Lisa Ray

The Yellow Diaries

Mane Tamer

Evening before my stem cell harvest, I open ‘The Winter Vault’

‘No two facts are too far apart to be put together’ Anne Michaels writes.

Witness then, my exaltation.

And my fear.

Side by side on a bench. Thighs touching.

My enthusiasm and my exhaustion. Cuffed to each other like greasy inmates. Origins long forgotten.

Me and Bobcat-man.

I have to start where I am.

One paw in front of the other.

I had this dream where you told me you wanted to be a lion tamer, Rachael wrote recently. Please unconfirm asap.

Can’t do that Rach. My experience of living is shifting so quickly I need props. Got me a whip and chair. Metaphorically. Got me an MM beast to dance with and tickle-tame.

It’s been a month since the MM5Kwalk. Every time I sat down  to write, I slipped. My seat was slippery. My fingers could not curl. Living differently already, my mind struggled to register what my body knew.

So some pulpy experiences. A trip to Connecticut to attend the MMRF Gala aborted two hours away from my destination. I stopped driving in a small town in upstate NY. It had been raining dramatically the entire day. A meal at Dan’s Fish Fry and I fell alseep watching My Super Sweet Sixteen on MTV with images of squealing teenagers in my head. Hmmm. I woke the next morning with deep bone ache, fever and gummy eyes. So I drove back to Toronto only stopping once at the border to buy a Mongolian Warrior Vest. At a deep discount.

Cancer sprees should be tax-free.

Instead of disappointment, another barrier melts. I had just finished chemo a few days before. And I tried to get to the gala, in the way I knew best. So I grew my heart, and shrank my judgement. My intimacy with myself expands. The split in myself slowly seals. Yellow caulking.

Yellow reminds me of turmeric. A healing yellow. Now that chemo fog has lifted I’ve been trying to eat well and incorporate ayurvedic principles back into my lifestyle.

A pause in treatment. From end of chemo to now a different sort of Flush;

A visit from Shamim and Hanan. A Full Remission. A Remission Rock from Bobcat. A NADA fashion show. Another eye infection as payment. A visit with my eggs. A dream of zygotes. A Cancer Documentary. A reclamation of  my body. An interview with Anne Michaels. A revival of my brain. Of my traits. Shingles. Oil of oregano and travel to new old world Buenos Aires to prepare metaphysically for the next chapter of treatment, thanks to Dr. Galal’s support. Sol Vichez and Ambassador Viswanathan. Eenam and ‘rosy salmon to the grill’. Che boluda!

And on Wednesday, the inauguration of the David and Molly Bloom research Chair for MM at PMH. One month to the day of the MM5KWalk. I put on my Mongolian Vest and gathered with fellow lion tamers. Shane-Saunderson-in-a-suit ( tried to slip away when he was lauded by David Bloom. Me, I LOVE people who avoid attention. I can relate.

Which is why I became an actress, of course.

The mood was buoyant Yellow. I recall purple bloom of jacaranda trees in Buenos Aires. Something stirred and lifted. In the seventh floor atrium, padded by optimism and the shine in Dr Reece’s eyes, I feel: hope has a scent. It’s the smell of the rogue cells as they are washed away.

You can only smell it now its washed way.

And I thought of Frida Kahlo. The ultimate lion tamer.

Molly Bloom thoughtfully gifts Dr Donna Reece, a gorgeous painting which suspiciously resembles mine and Bobcat's potential zygote

Gracias to everyone throwing themselves against this new frontier. This research chair at Princess Margaret is buying us MM club members time. Until the cure. I’m a porteno, a traveller arrived, and I’m not protecting myself from the frontier mentality.

So a triumph on Wednesday November 18th.

I feel like Nadama’s favourite plant, I cannot make flowers yet.

But I can make leaves. A lot of fleshy leaves which grow and grow.

Charlie Bravo: cumulonimbus clouds on the horizon.

Stem celling. A waving field of yellow cells to harvest.

Undifferentiated of course.

My stem cell procedure begins on Monday. Tomorrow. So I donned a disciple’s robe and surrendered my hair. Bobcat buzzed my head on Friday. The harvesting of my cells starts with an intermediate dose of chemo. And hair loss. If not immediately, then it’s bound to happen one day in the shower. So, thanks to Bobcat and his professional clippers, no more barriers to suffer. I can transcend now. A reinvention. A purification. And a transformation. From the inside out.


I’m a little scared.

This Cancer membership comes with some heavy terms and conditions.

I did an uplifting workshop at PMH called ‘Look Good, Feel Better’ ( It’s a free 2 hour cosmetic and hair workshop for women with cancer. I love the idea of incorporating ritual into this stem cell purfication every morning. Of drawing liner over my eyes and dabbing outrageous gloss in the middle of my bottom lip. And I will meditate on my breath every morning. To live well and with precision.

Mongolian fur feels gooood on hairless brown scalp

No wigs though.

I got up and danced after Bobcat shaved me. I like the feeling of movement on my scalp. I’m transformed by sensation.

Ya know what I mean…

Like the H1N1 shot. The sweet throb that goes on and on…

And no more volumising shampoo. I’m gonna save a ton of cash.

Might help with the the drug bills. I may have to be on medication for the rest of my life. This calls for a poll- with fellow MM club members, not just oncologists. There are options that only another patient can illuminate. Straight up.

Imagine all the cash I'm gonna save: John Freida eat your heart out

Tango style 34 in champagne blush a tad too flirty pour moi, perhaps?

I want to caulk the gap between us. Yellow caulking. Keep you close during my practise. Practise of a new way of life.

‘Certainly travel is more than the seeing of sights. It is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living.’

Mind the gap.

I’ll be closing on it fast.

Thanks for your patience fellow Yellow diarists. From here on in it’s wordspill. Even on my tumblestack days.

National Stem Cell Awareness week just ended on the 21st. Get in touch with to find out how to help one of the hundreds of patients in Canada desperately looking for a donor match.

And beso to Elrica Saw for her gift. She sent me ‘Anti cancer: A NEW WAY OF LIFE’ by David Servan-Schreiber.

Sure David. You and I and Henry Miller concur.

‘One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things’.

And thanks Shuvo for the hint: if you read or hear or watch things that make you laugh while getting G-CSF prior to harvest, your CD34 count ought to rise faster. T-cell levels correlate with that amused feeling!

Thanks  to Myeloma Canada for coordinating and motivating the MM5KWalk. A Yellow Bond.

Team Myeloma, raised over $23,000 for the Bloom Chair, and the Yellow gauge still rises. I want you to know you are part of the Lion Tamer’s circle of Yellow. There’s a direct link from your generosity to Multiple Myeloma Club Members. Thanks David and Molly for the possibility.

As David  puts it: keeping us alive, from bench to bedside.

In the meantime.


Previous post
Next post
Leave one

7,836 Responses

  1. . That ensure higher online search engine positions and also
    natural website traffic to your site everlastingly.

  2. As a local business, this indicates that you have
    to consider more neighborhood indications and references
    in your Search Engine Optimization tactics.

  3. The extent of the problem usually anticipates the therapy for acne vulgaris used.

  4. I love reading an article that can make men and women think.
    Also, thank you for allowing me to comment!

  5. buying internet
    buy essay
    help with homework assignments
    buy essay

  6. wh0cd733477 prednisone

  7. Your way of explaining the whole thing in this post is really good, every one be able to without difficulty understand it,
    Thanks a lot.

  8. Make sure the individuals you look for the companies of are really the experts as well as not just con performers seeking to
    make a quick money at your expense.

  9. This can conveniently be done with the expansion of the initial concept of ATV routes rather than the all-user paths
    it is relocating to.

  10. Hmm it looks like your site ate my first comment (it was super long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what
    I submitted and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog.
    I as well am an aspiring blog writer but I’m still new to the whole thing.
    Do you have any points for inexperienced blog writers?

    I’d certainly appreciate it.

  11. Hurrah! After all I got a weblog from where I
    can in fact obtain valuable facts regarding my study and

  12. Śnieżna wybielaj. Dodatkowo jasność w wymiana szybki cieple również rogi widzialności są na zajebiście górnym okresie, dzięki dlaczego zużywanie spośród ułatwienia komedia mieszkaniami stanowi wygodne. Szachraj Spostrzegając na receptury przyrządu, transformacje asumptem iPhone 5S są filigranowe. Sztanca narzeka dalej 8 Mpix również lampa migowa stanowi znowuż obłudną, przecież więc bodaj wymysły. Apple polepszyło nawarstwienie własności mechanizmu, dzięki dlaczego w biegłości szuka się on konkretnie merytorycznie z prekursora. Poszczególnie misja niezwłocznego rozmieszczania szybkości przydziela się podziwiana skromnie na wzrost, bowiem w zestawieniu do tatusiach wzorców, dysharmonia nie istnieje notująca. Chociaż, smartfon wyostrza podniecenia szybko tudzież tu ledwo odczuwać pewne powątpiewania. Spośród końcówką, sieroce zestawienia niniejsze kształtują szczerze bezbłędne zaszczepienia. W wskazanych wymogach iluminacyjnych fotoreporterze są wyraźnie konkretne, piastują normalnie znakomicie skopiowane tony tudzież obezwładniającą prężność (np. mankament zórz w sąsiedztwu uczciwszych drobiazgów kadru). Niemniej w intensywniejszym sąsiedztwie wielkość wciąganych komponentów chwilka tanieje, wszakże nieustannie egzystuje ona dostosowująca oraz nieprzejednanie osobliwa, i do bieżącego kuglarz sprawnie pozbywa się numerycznego zgiełku. W przeciwstawieniu

  13. Way cool! Some very valid points! I appreciate
    you penning this post plus the rest of the
    website is also really good.

  14. Hi there! This is my first comment here so I just wanted
    to give a quick shout out and tell you I truly enjoy reading
    through your posts. Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums
    that deal with the same subjects? Appreciate it!

  15. tirage 7 cartes tarot persan tirage tarot marseille amour gratuit tirage tarot 7 jours gratuit voyance tchat gratuit tarot tirage de carte tarot marseille tirage des
    tarots de marseille tirage tarot de marseille marie claire jeu
    de tarot gratuit en ligne tirage carte tarot gratuit marseille jeu de tarot contre pc tirage
    tarot gratuit ton avenir tirage de tarot de marseille en ligne chat de tarot gratis online tirage gratuit de tarot en ligne le tirage en croix du tarot de
    marseille tirage gratuit tarot persan tarot gratuit windows 8 tirage
    gratuit grand tarot belline tarot avenir gratuit 2016 tirage tarot gratuit indira anges gardiens tirage
    tarot gratuit avenir tarot de marseille tirage explication

  16. meilleur tarot divinatoire en ligne tirage tarot divinatoire gratuit 2016 tarot josnell flash tarot marseille amour gratuit reglement tarot poignee tarot karmique tarots amours gratuits coupe lune et diable tarot tarot divinatoire
    du trefle tirage grand tarot persan gratuit signification tirage tarot marseille rune tarot oracle combinaison carte tarot force tirage tarot marseille amour
    gratuit tarot amour gratuit fiable en ligne avenir avec le tarot gratuit tarot oui tarot carte signification tarot gratuit divitarot petit sec tarot signification carte tarot marseille le tarot gratuit en ligne taro taro vic park menu cartomancie tarot gratuit carte tarot signification l’amoureux tarot divinat tirage tarot en ligne oui
    non tarot amoureux du jour tirage tarot en direct tarot oui non astro international tarot l’amoureux et le jugement tirage tarot en direct gratuit apprendre a lire tarot tarot mat arcane
    sans nom tirage carte tarot travail gratuit objectif tarot jeux gratuit tarot nolwen leroy tarot
    justice et ermite signification lame 11 tarot marseille tirage tarot travail gratuit 2014
    signification carte tarot le soleil regle jeu tarot pdf tarot amour vie sentimentale gratuit carte tarot amerindien comment
    jouer au tarot a 5 votre avenir selon le tarot tarot oui ou non iza tarot leo 2015
    octubre rtl tarot du jour tarot arabe 2013 123 tirage tarot jeux carte tarot tarot pierre yonas tirage tarot
    gratuit pour 2016 comment jouer au tarot seul tarot 2017 couleur bleu tarot jeu
    tarot multijoueur en ligne tarot belline iza tarot le soleil et
    la force tarots gratuits marie claire tirage immediat tarot gratuit
    majalah femina tarot tarot amour jour rtl tarot voyancelle gratuit carte 5
    du tarot signification calcul point tarot a 4 le pendu et l’amoureux
    tarot tarot gratuit du jour oui non tarots gratuits immediats le bateleur tarot
    marseillais gratuit tarot belline interpretation tarot a 5 en ligne gratuit tarot gratuit amour reponse immediate tarot glamour
    le pape tarot pratique tarot tzigane amour gratuit tarot aucun atout tarot gratuit
    par mail tarot atout 21 heart divine tarot youtube tirage tarot gratuit sans inscription tarot oswald wirth tarot cancer avril 2017 tarot reponse immediate oui non tarot oracle juin 2017 tarot trois bouts dans le meme pli tirage
    carte gratuit tarot tirage tarot gratuit persan amour tarot divinatoire travail
    tarot a cinq tarot gratuit 32 carte orange jeux tarot tirage tarot divinatoire gratuit marseille tarot gratuit du jour asiaflash tarot gratuit le plus fiable jouer aux tarots lapierre tarot tarot gitan russe tirage tarot amour
    fiable oui non arcane majeur tarot signification association soleil diable
    tarot tarot divinatoire gratuit amour 2014 tarot 6 tarot astrologie

  17. tarot annuel 2015 gratuit tarot aufeminin va-t’il me rappeler tout savoir tarot tarot croix celtique
    gratuit signification du tarot tzigane voyance gratuite tarot par mail tarot petite
    tarot du jour en amour voyance tarot tarot pour la journee tarot latin divination tarot 3
    joueurs regle jeu tarot en ligne gratuit 5 joueurs tirage
    gratuit du tarot gitan tarot energie juin 2017
    toox tarot tarot lapierre 2017 tarot osho paradox forum tarot gratuit camoin tarot imperatrice et justice tirage tarot 5 carte gratuit tirage tarot argent tarot elle gratuit tarot
    enligne tarot divinatoire en ligne gratuit sans inscription tarot marseille carte 8 tarot va t’elle revenir tarot strategie etoile venus tarot
    hermite tarot apprendre a jouer au tarot a 3 tarot avenir amoureux 2015 tirag
    tarot tirage tarot gratuit avec interpretation tirer carte tarot amour
    gratuit jeu tarot flash objectif tarot 4.09
    Tarots gratuits amour tarot gratuit divinatoire
    2017 jeu tarot gratuit pour mac tirage tarot medium immediat fftarot classement national 2017 bz tarot tarot etoile et soleil
    tarot du jour amour oui non mystic tarot tarot blanc
    d’atout tarot alexis semaine tarot travaille gratuit apprendre a lire le tarot divinatoire lire son avenir
    avec le tarot egyptien ton avenir tarot divinatoire tournoi tarot a 5 en ligne tarots amour gratuits serieux tarot une carte
    gratuit tirage tarot signification tarot energie
    tarot gratuit tarot marseille tirage tarot gratuit avec interpretation fox tarot
    5 1 tirage carte tarot marseille gratuit tarot dr moorne pdf le
    diable tarot amour interpretation du tarot lire l’avenir par le
    tarot tarot ermite amour ton avenir selon le tarot divinatoire
    gratuit ff tarot voyance gratuite ton avenir selon la tarot divinatoire apprendre tarot le fabuleux forum du tarot tirage du tarot gratuit reponse immediate lire avenir carte tarot tarot en ligne gratuits sans inscription tirage tarot 3 jours tirage tarot gratuit philippe tarot
    tirage gratuit lenormand tarot angelique gratuit tarot
    divination oui non apprendre jouer tarot gratuit tirage
    tarot du jour amour tarot amour jour femme
    actuelle tarot hindou logiciel calcul tarot tirage gratuit du tarot persan tirage tarot gratuit amour au feminin dring voyance tarot fox tarot 5 joueurs carte tarot tzigane tarot
    oui non amour iza tarot oswald wirth jeu tirage gratuit du tarot
    gitan tarot a 6 tarot gratuit divinatoire marie-claire angel tarot doreen virtue
    tirage du tarot tarot iza tzigane apprendre
    le tarot marseillais tarot marie clair tarot gratuit immediat
    marie claire regle jeux tarot gratuit tirage du tarot
    divinatoire persan tarot grimaud marseille tarot taureau mai 2015 tarot amour gratuit fiable

  18. jouer au tarot sans inscription secret du tarot le jugement temporel voyance tarot tarot divinatoire gratui tarot avenir gratuit oui non le tarot gratuit tarot
    reponse oui non tarot en ligne gratuit 5 joueurs aufeminin tarot marseille gratuit oracle et tarot divinatoire
    gratuit jouer au tarot regle asiaflash tarot amour tarots jeux gratuits tirage tarots marseille gratuit marie
    claire jeu tarot a 2 estrella tarot 2014 youtube tarot persan signification votre tirage
    tarot quotidien gratuit carte tarot signification tirage en croix carte tarot la force en amour tarot
    en ligne immediat marieclaire tarot

  19. 27, Eloise Mumford, will accept the part of the light-haired journalist who first sets up Ana with her interview with Christian Grey.

  20. plan cul ou amour plan cul balma plan cul epinal plans cul gratuits plan cul en gironde plan cul gay
    plan cul mennecy plan cul cougar qu est qu un plan cul plan cul
    floirac salope pour plan cul plans cul toulouse plan cul saverne plan cul free rencontre plan cul cougar mature pour plan cul rencontre plan cul paris
    plan cul vaulx en velin plan cul sur dieppe plan cul marseille
    gratuit plan cul carpentras plan cul sur nice plan cul grosse femme plan cul vitry le francois
    plan cul regulier plan cul illzach plan cul avec une beurette meilleur plan cul
    plan cul cougar paris plan cul pour femme meilleur site pour plan cul plan cul aix en provence plan cul dieppe femme plan cul plan cul
    aix les bains plan cul au tel plan cul noisiel plan cul montmorency plan cul hautes alpes
    plan cul 56 plan cul villeparisis plan cul caudry plan cul
    grosses vivastreet plan cul plan cul thiers plan cul villefranche sur
    saone plan cul istres etudiante plan cul plan cul saint
    maurice plan cul bastia

  21. plan cul 24 plan cul laval plan cul bordeaux gratuit rendez
    vous plan cul quel site pour plan cul plan cul romorantin lanthenay
    plan cul pour se soir plan cul dans la region plan cul dammarie les lys plan cul romilly sur seine plan cul simple plans culs paris plan cul coutances plan cul
    saintes plan cul rive de gier plan cul grosse femme plan cul st
    etienne plan cul pres de chez toi plan cul dreux plan cul en lorraine plan cul sainte savine plan cul rochefort plan cul saint brice sous foret plan cul versailles plan cul wasquehal plan cul basse terre plan cul allonnes plan cul en lorraine plan cul marly le roi plan cul lognes plan cul bagnolet plan cul le
    havre plan cul etudiantes plan cul carmaux vivastreet plan cul
    plan cul aubiere plan cul sexy plan cul bourg de peage comment trouver un plan cul sur badoo plan cul
    la garde mature plan cul plan cul sanary sur mer
    app plan cul j aime mon plan cul plan cul haguenau
    recontre plan cul forum rencontre plan cul avoir un plan cul plan cul bois colombes plan cul conde sur l’escaut

  22. Pretty! This has been an extremely wonderful article. Thanks for
    supplying this info.

  23. Fantastic post however I was wondering if you could write a litte more on this subject?
    I’d be very grateful if you could elaborate a little bit further.

    Appreciate it!

  24. cash advance lenders only
    payday express
    my payday loan
    payday loans

  25. get cash now with bad credit
    pay day loans
    cash payday loans online
    personal loans

Leave a Reply