Lisa Ray

The Yellow Diaries

From the Marrow

A few months ago my bone marrow started sending me messages.

The signals: I was always exhausted, pale, drained, and completely depleted of red blood cells. The lack of oxygen made me a serial yawner and spacier than a displaced Czarina. Little did I know, but my hemoglobin had fallen to levels where even a dedicated Blood sucker would turn their thoughts to revival. In between work and travel in India this year, I got a routine blood test and the results sent me to the hospital for a blood transfusion.

But not a reason to stop and, like, change my life?

The attempt to communicate probably started earlier. Time when I was ‘busy’. Building a career and impersonating myself. Travelling a lot and stock-piling impressions and drama and super hyped destinations and a life in ‘art’. So I couldn’t hear my marrow gently carbonating. Trying to get my attention. Instead of tuning in to my body, I tuned out like a landlocked pirate tuning out the sounds of the sea.

And then I stopped travelling and returned to Canada. Got myself tested by Dr Susy Lin, landed in emergency and eventually got full membership into the Cancer Club.

That’s how I found out I have Multiple Myeloma.

Cancer Club, Multiple Myeloma Division, June 2009.

aka The Yellow Diaries

LIVESHOCK: the recurring shock of being alive. More on this later.

Don’t get me wrong. Its true the deepest crises are moments of great opportunity. An event that shocks you into seeing with heart. A place from which to combine survival and celebration. Our boy Lance Armstrong called his Cancer survivor story: a Journey Back to Life.

I believe. But right now I’m a Cancer intern, covert social watcher and I’m doing all this against the backdrop of preparing to premiere two films at the Toronto International Film Festival and wondering if I should have cancelled that meeting with that director while bloated up on my ‘roids’ or I should have just come clean. ‘Yes- I have cancer. The meds shift the shape of my body in ways I can’t predict- but I can still perform torridly well and are looks really¬†still that important in showbiz anyways? I have so much more to say now than ever before…’

Should have said it.

Didn’t.

But I’m writing this blog.

I’m not sure why and that’s probably the best beginning.

Many people become members of the cancer club. Loads of actors and artists struggle with a the capricious nature of our business. There’s lots of ‘coming home’ stories out there.

Maybe I’m just finally listening to my marrow.

I asked around if I should speak openly about getting diagnosed recently with Multiple Myeloma. Some ¬†advised me to keep my ‘condition’ a secret as it could negatively affect my career. Buh? I’m plumper, redder, more energetic and wily than ever before- Kiss me like I’ve been kidnapped!

Tara Maclean, surrogate sister and super talented singer, talked about how the role of an artist is to use every experience- especially the painful ones- and transform them by sharing.

Laura Simms my NY based professional Story teller/surrogate jewish mother highlighted the ‘pathology of perfection’ which we suffer from in this age. How celebrity culture and media create unrealistic expectations in ourselves and others and how perhaps sharing my experiences in preparing for the Toronto Film Festival juxtaposed with my ongoing chemotherapy and treatments could inform and loosen these expectations.

Ted Grand reminded me of the power of community and interconnectivity. Ted’s the founder/director of Moksha Yoga and introduced me to the concept of Sangha or a community with a common vision or purpose. Like on the days when your ‘yellow’ wattage is low and the chemo makes you feel like a nauseous mound of subcutaneous fat, well, it’s good to know that there are others feeling shitty in ways which only the Sangha can understand.

Then there is no getting around this message from Martha Katherine Smith Macgee:

My husband has Multiple Myeloma. If we had not had Myeloma Awareness and donations in the past, he would not be here after nine years and nine months. Thank you for what you have done and will do for Cancer Awareness.

www.myelomacanada.ca/

Labelling and categorizing have their perils as well as their uses.

Sometimes there’s just stop. Find your corner, your own patch from which to speak. And follow the tug.

The Yellow Diaries. Remission-Transmission. TIFF.

Besides. I like to work from this place right now. It’s easy to find.

Previous post
Leave one

1,136 Responses

  1. How prevention and prognosis controls are implemented is normally just as important as the handles themselves They determine if you
    have a position to make sure that they will get their refund Even now,
    the basic rules are: You have the two options connected with secured very own or credit card personal loans?

  2. Zeros come into an exclusive classification, although solely talking they are actually not varieties.

  3. Any time you are in need of obtaining extra cash, either
    to make completely new purchases as well as to pay debts, secured personal loans
    could be the answer They also received earphones, bedsheets, and pillows and on the seatbacks, there
    was videos monitor this showed shows, television shows, and
    also our progress toward Europe The top terms are available from government loans,
    while using the alternative to be the more costly confidential loan method People
    urgently demand a better car or truck but in the current financial
    condition it is merely not easy for you to spend less and purchase a
    brand new car if you are paying the full pay in amount

  4. I still can not claim for sure if Anthony utilized dependable telepathic abilities
    to provide me the assistance I required.

  5. The Enchanted Map has verified to become the most remarkably precise oracle deck that Lisa Caza has ever personally used!

  6. Decide on a clairvoyant psychic viewers rather
    if you don’t like tarot memory card results for some main reason.

  7. Revenue up to 2500 for Yr can be easily fetched in this which will help to fulfill the crisis situation On the other hand, the thought develops along with is
    beneficial on the world economic niche These financing options are being available from the
    payday lenders to people who can pay their particular obligation as
    they have a continual salary If you have a great organization idea or plan, or if you want to broaden your existing companies, do not let not enough funds prevent you in your rails.

  8. Satisfy keep both of these aspects of this particular in mind when selecting a tool guide to make sure that you
    acquire the most out of your treatment.

  9. My final result I possessed was actually a handful of times ago
    as well as she was spot on along with something that has actually been actually bothering me for a long
    time.

  10. Asthma tends to run in families, so children whose parents
    have asthma are more likely to develop it themselves. Every asthma patient should see a doctor to develop a therapeutic
    way of managing the disorder. Excess weight is one of the major causes of asthma and one must maintain weight
    with respect to height.

  11. Good day! I know this is kinda off topic but I was wondering iff you knew where I could find a captcha
    plugin for my comment form? I’m using the
    same blog platform as yours and I’mhaving difficulty finding one?
    Thanks a lot!

  12. It’s very easy to find out any matter on web as compared to
    books, as I found this piece of writing at this site.

  13. Have you ever considered about adding a little bit more than just your articles?
    I mean, what you say is important and everything.
    However think of if you added some great photos or videos to give your posts more, “pop”!
    Your content is excellent but with images and video clips, this website could definitely be one of the very best in its niche.
    Wonderful blog!

  14. I have been surfing on-line more than 3 hours as of late, yet I never found any interesting article like yours.
    It’s pretty value sufficient for me. In my view, if all website owners and bloggers made excellent content as you did, the internet will probably be much more useful than ever before.

  15. The massage therapy is started by putting an alert towel around the face
    for a few mins, this helps the face muscle mass to unwind.

  16. Please note: The pressed distribution (2 years inclusive) of the Massage therapy Therapy program
    is a wintertime intake/start just and also includes the summertime term, no term break.

  17. Each discipline possesses 6 telephoned number powers (coming from 1 to 6) and a
    7th ‘Primaris’ energy.

Leave a Reply