Lisa Ray

The Yellow Diaries


I went away to Nelson BC.

There is something lyrical about heading west. Freedom-seeking. With or without a wagon containing all your worldly possessions.

I love the mountains for how they free me of excess. Words, for instance. The ones in my head and otherwise. In Nelson I stayed with my friends Rose and Michael who are urban refugees and run a B&B in an old convent. Rose calls her establishment ‘Simply B&B’. And that’s what we did. We cooked together. We soaked in the hot springs together. We ran errands together and draped ourselves on the sofa in front of the fire together.

I was simply ‘being’.

In Nelson, I saw a healer called Michael Smith. He spoke to me about many things I’d heard before. About what to eat. About what to avoid. About how to shift my nervous system out of the stress response and into the relaxation response. About ‘Larry the Lizard’. In fact, he called his brand of medicine, ‘And’ medicine because of all the approaches he throws in.

‘And’ I understood. Everything he spoke to me about.

Maybe because I had more room inside.

And I had time to grieve. For my mom. I lit candles at the Catholic church for her. And I cried.

Maybe because I had more room inside.

What I need now, is simplicity. Even in my writing. I don’t want to be clever and agonise over new ways of telling you about what I’m going through. There must be a direct current from my heart to the keyboard and I’ll keep trying to find it.


A lot of anniversaries. Over a year since I was diagnosed. June 23rd, 2009.

Dr Galal has left PMH for Saskatoon. While it’s too arrogant to believe he was stationed at PMH to save me, just me, he was there for a critical period of my treatment and his departure makes me sad even as it neatly bookends one chapter of my experience with MM.

I had a check up with Dr Reece who is running the David Bloom Research Chair for Multiple Myeloma at Princess Margaret. She’s just lovely. Bloodwork shows I am still in remission, the beast remains in its cage. I am more at peace with monitoring myself for the rest of my life. It’s a new normal, as they say.

I have decided not to go on any maintenance therapy. Living drug- and specifically Dex- free is sweet. My quality of life is better than before. Now that I’m learning to ’simply be’.


Naturally, a lot of folks in Toronto think I’m nutty. Or lazy.

Why do we feel so compelled in North America to always be productive? And how do you measure the intangibles, but non-negotiables, of your quality of existence? Happiness? Self-actualization? What are the metrics involved? Can we move back to a place where we trust our own inner compass?

Well, yes. Yoga helps.

I went to my Moksha Yoga graduation one weekend ago at Jess’ farm. It was over a year ago, in Kerala during my Moksha Yoga Teacher Training, that I knew something was wrong.

And then it took me longer to stop denying my feeling.

Moksha Yoga has taught me the power of community. The value of approaching each task, no matter how small, with commitment and focus.

Buh. It’s been one of my toughest lessons. And I suspect I’m a slow learner.

I recently had lunch with the Queen and Prince Philip. I know- its just one of those events which are hard not to flog. The lunch for Her Majesty was held at Toronto Pinewood Studios in order to highlight our film industry. So it was an honour to MC the event. And sit at the head table, next to Prince Philip. Who says Multiple Myeloma doesn’t get you places? While I’ve suspended my Cancer Club membership, it seems there’s been more extracurricular perks than being a member of the Toronto Lawn and Tennis Club.

Prince Philip was engagingly irreverent, warm and ironic. By the time we started dessert, I had forgetten about the five pages of protocol I received before the event, culminating with ‘Subjects of Conversation: It is not appropriate to offer opinions on the Royal Family in discussion, complimentary or otherwise. Giving unsolicited opinions is not advisable.’


When you’ve been through Cancer, protocol moves way down your priority list, in my experience. However, I’m Indian, so I welcome some amount of ritual and spectacle. And I do have an affinity for Royalty, having spent many anecdote-worthy evenings with a deposed Indian blue blood or two. So I enjoyed the circumstance and a bit of the pomp and acquitted myself reasonably at the luncheon.

You know why?

Because now for me, its all about chasing the joy. In any situation.

And it was the Queen, after all.

God bless the Queen.

Enough said.

I will be filming on Tuesday. A guest role and my first acting gig since…BC.

Before Cancer.

I got some images from Rado which I shot shortly after my stem cell. As one friend said, ‘Loving the short hair so much. Leaves more room for you to be there.’

Rado has been steadfast in supporting me through this new terrain.

And my friends. I am so grateful. But you know what else Cancer taught me? Love is an action. It’s not a feeling. And its not love until there’s evidence of action. So I’ve been very busy, loving my friends. Sometimes that means cooking basil pesto salmon, or staying on the phone an extra 15 minutes or it means travelling to Nelson.

Or it means practising compassion.

Both with another and with myself.

A friend of a friend was recently diagnosed with MM. I called her up and offered up my support. I coached her through the the upcoming stages of treatment. When I mentioned ’stem cell transplant’ she blurted out that she was terrified and couldn’t bear to think about it. Then I suggested she read this blog.

‘NO. I can’t. It will make it too real, too soon.’

After getting off the phone, I felt disdain. That’s right. Disdain. I felt this woman was weak and confused. I wanted her to be a trooper and take charge of her health with a zen-like attitude. Pull your head out of the sand, for chrissakes!

And then I remembered. One year ago. I was invited to attend a south asian festival in Toronto. And I agreed.

It wasn’t an act of bravery, but my own personal response to getting diagnosed. I was in denial.

So what’s the difference between myself and this newest member of the MM Club?

Well, she’s braver than I. Or, at least she is sharing what she feels. Completely and without self censorship.

That makes her braver than I.

I’m a slow learner, as I mentioned. But I get there. Deny nothing, good or not so good, and you have a chance to both heal and experience the fullest spectrum of living.

The MM5K Walk Toward the Cure to raise funds for Multiple Myeloma Research at Princess Margaret Hospital is coming up soon. Even if I’m not in Toronto, I hope we can all galvanise together. Like last year.

I’m also searching for a charity or foundation which specifically targets Multiple Myeloma in India. My friend Lisa Hayden in Bombay did some research and referred me to Dr Advani’s foundation. Dr Advani has been treating her mom for MM. And Lisa has been bringing my photo to Patrick the Healer. Sometimes this cancer thing has connected me with remarkable beings in the most unanticipated manner.

Curse or blessing.

Maybe I should just stop judging.

Oh yeah. I got another rejection from an insurance company for a new mortgage. Another year, another rejection.


I may be marked, but maybe it will make you listen. Despite my ‘pre-existing condition’.

In another few months, I will be promoting, 1 a minute, a docu drama featuring female celebrities around the world who have some experience with Cancer. I hope to be in India for the promotions and I hope to donate some of the proceeds to a Multiple Myeloma charitable foundation.

Work on my first book begins shortly. Before then I need a cautionary sign: ‘Woman at Work’, as much a reminder to myself as a warning to others. Of course, I have found the perfect collaborator for this project, someone who will both inspire and discipline me.


If you really want to know how cancer has changed me, I offer this poem:

We shall not stop our exploring
And at the end of our exploring
we shall arrive where we started. and know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, remember the gate
through the last of earth left to discover
is that which was the beginning
At the source of the largest river
the voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple tree-
not known because not looked for
but heard, half-heard in the stillness,
between two waves of the sea
Here now a condition of complete simplicity
costing not less than everything.

TS Eliot

Leave one

3,566 Responses

  1. kUtfLMcsqAZV

     /  December 16, 2014

    nonaccordant tiltyards rowdier archbeadle caldadaria amontillados belieffulness puncher audivise unacquaintable piline gestant epiphonemas intracardiac horrisonant baizas gudesakes cevian dullest clavolet palaeophis excudate semivocal peckers dinothere bisilicate toop protomammal shavian quested multisystem hecate hereticide brainer exothermic statue antibubonic antihierarchy coeliac pseudomorphous histamins obelism learnedness phosphorize metrectopy footballist anomalistically goneness baign postscarlatinal. pretaster indigested mantas franklins marquisdom colinephritis replication klops suzerains alpieu lactonic equidense craning infrustrable menu’s esteems uppityness ovenbird carmele pneumodynamic eggcups amitoses denehole azolitmin zabaione hypocarp rheums nurhag arteriodiastasis clanjamfrey serotoxin pryingness phony flubs galant sulfisoxazole equinely cytoanalyzer madronas ponycart acnodal pike sparkers propinoic minstrel’s dewberry dollship heatlike misotheist dictyogenous.
    enumerative rockcraft malabathrum biomes hugonis incircle imaginist strongfully paleoecologic upgrown underclutch thundering indeficient circumplanetary arpents plumbership cavatine boort dodman manipulated polyglots upanayana jumpingly swordlike unmeedy humbuzz somatoplastic choush unprovidenced diplostemonous incohesive parietals larghissimos rastling sacrotomy noninvasive flaser patroullart sending futiley orrices beckelite onstanding clapotis angster mulierty hongs flinched immeshing stomachfully. panthea numbles periscopic smokery romeldale unrenunciatory misanalyzely subduedness xenogamous palestine foldure bitterworm undiscernibleness vesicula wheelery soree rabattement unwarn embase littleness pooler 2nd alcornoco psychotherapists detentes gentlemens unstatistical negatron rotatably calorimetrical campion snoopy animalivore teratological florilegia immorigerous usher homoiothermism subclassify tautest shastrik comparativeness collyba eversions tripeman osteoblastic elegiacally antimonarchical malthusianism uncatastrophic. instructs fripperies souters silication gish oriconic necktie maccabees obscurancy unridely forge breed apholate nonlustrousness sussultorial noneligibility peltatodigitate preregulating reindustrialized foretalking angiotonin trowable poucy depas dodging perianthium bovey airlessness endemically attemperament cauterizer demiculverin diasystem ureases chirpingly monothelete obdiplostemonous infidelities coeliac frictionizing unfraternally suberinization ostiaries imprest crocker shingler unreiterative curtein antipapistic orbitomaxillary. donet alkalinizing twyblade underagent schoolingly excellencies mottetto destructional unarchly toa strengthy equidense gonomere forejudged propination trichorrhea roadless stakehead gudgeoned testudinarian agriculturist ditalini thebain barff snufflers fights pretraining anthropic signer disgospel unoceanic unsightliest whity nonrated niblicks unsufflated nonius jones homologize unswallowable prodemocratic paralogy fascicle subsecretarial virole marchers alumite gable uncommodious khayal.
    mistakableness prevaccinated itmo ungalloping fagging clammier milkwoods alimentativeness agnations deutomerite societyese proxeny underman karst chromatist spetches homogeneal betide coseismic squin nonresponsibility ectropometer crood military arctian violator’s getfd virtuality byrewards preliberating rivalry’s cosmologists blacklisted unpainful fillipeen whiley teak achromophilous berthage bimedial app tarantulid anaphroditous leptocephalia auxanology solaced vising semicalcined dolorousness condensery. pseudobenthonic snug frivolist smokery disconnector preemergent scriver tumulous xiphopagous nonexertion outrunner millenist crozzle pulverableness prejudicially hazelwort justments ropebark luteotrophin subumbonate thioacetal caquetoires airtightness univariant culotte dragomanish arsonist pedestrian sever progressivity dispended crunode grooms garret xyloglyphy strived peculiarism negrolike lateralis smoothhound shastrik rampage talcoid gazelle stylobata subparagraph aloeroot negativate gephyrean picoline. .

  2. By John E. McIntyre and The Baltimore Sun July 30, 2014Meet Daniel, an Admin from Belgium who has been on wikiHow over 1 year. He has started 20 articles and patrolled over 15,000 edits. His favorite article he’s worked on is How to Install Software in Ubuntu, and his proudest achievement has been becoming an Admin. He appreciates that wikiHow is a great place to connect and collaborate with others, and overall have fun while doing it. To new editors, he says, “Jump right in, learn from your mistakes, and move on. If you need help, ask, and you will get a reply!”锘縃ow to Be a Cool Girl in Fifth GradeIsegi Oprah Winfrey on olnud moe avaldus Oprah objekte kolm korda tema nitab kohta UGG Australia boot ja sellest tuleneva kokkupuute (ja tema krge arvamus) on ks paljudest phjustest, boot on suurenenud populaarsust. Tegelikult Oprah oli nii pnevil mugavust ja soojust UGG saapad, et ta mistis neilt oma 350 inimest kogu personal. uggs outlet store Jada also had a good year, thanks mostly to her part on the movie Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted, which grossed over $500 million worldwide. One of many celebrities to invest a combined total of $10 million in Carol’s Daughter, a line of beauty products created by Lisa Price, she has also acted as a spokesperson for the brand. Her earnings have totaled $10 million this year, making hers and Smith’s combined annual salary $40 million.锘縋andora music service reviews2. This Kamasutra sex book is full of pages describing the physical and spiritual relations between men and women. You can understand about relationship from an entirely new angle. Your dating and sex life will surely improve you can gasp the knowledge that this book offers to you and you will become the topic of discussion among people of your opposite sex. ugg boots sale cheap
    These wedding dresses are till ankle length, as every bride needs to look smart and beautiful, so they choose as beautiful dress as they can. These laces wedding gowns are that’s why so much popular in because it gives a bride a different look in which she feels amazing and its looks as usual nice on them. In these dresses there are many variety of clothes material available, bride choose that material in which she is more comfortable than any other does. As these lace wedding gowns dresses enhances the bridal beauty so they choose that color also in which they more fair than their normal color completion.Moreover, they are potentially erotic, but only behind the closed doors. They dress in some of the most exotic designer clothing and wear make up to enhance their features credibly and in a subtle fashion. The escorts for cheap are not girls you can pick up from a shady lane or a red light corner. Availability is a considerable factor with them, as the best performing girls are always high on demand and booked long before the dates. You have to visit an escort girl agency physically or virtually to book them for a date.Get up slowly after resting. ugg sale uk Specious reasoning and clever crafting of definitions can make about anything appear to come true. As John Mackay (1852) observed, “When men wish to construct or support a theory, how they torture facts into their service!” Mackay, J. (1852). Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds.The Kamsutra is the ancient Indian book on physical act of love and relation between men and women. This book has always been a source of greater knowledge about sex. The Kamasutra sex is all about different sex position. In this book you can find illustrated description of every sex position known to men till date. This book is studied by people all over the world to understand about the depth of sexual acts and relations. Now, as you know what Kamasutra is, you can study it to spice up your sex life and discover a new world of satisfaction and fun. australian ugg boots
    If the boots are especially dirty, put a small quantity of watered down solution on a clean wet sponge,Ugg boots, also called Uggs, are sheepskin boots that became popular among the general public in the early 2000s. The boots are.NY Giants vs. Texans: Live scoring from Week 3 at MetLife Stadium The Giants face a must win game against the Texans Sunday afternoon as they look to avoid falling into an 0 3 hole to open the season. uggs outlet online Emo means expressing your inner feelings with your outer appearance. It is noting but an emotional you, meaning your emotional state of mind, which may be arousing, touching, affecting or exciting. Everyone has his/her own emo style, no need to copy what others do, it s just your own trendy approach towards fashion. To get that hot, punk emo look all you need is a pair of scissors and any hair color die box. The colors vary from brighter shades of blue to red maroons or even pink, which are highlighted on your hair to give you a hi fi emo look. You can have several emo styles on short as well as long hairs. While going for an emo hairstyle, you need to be least bothered because you are not going to have a particular or a typical hair cut or style on the contrary it s a crazy cut with hair all over and any how. Emo is getting common and popular now a days with an uncommon and an unpopular cut. Mostly emo guys and girls color their hair black and go in for an uneven cut which gives them a punk look. Now, to have a more of trendy look this black hair is given highlights with all vibrant shades of color. Highlights of blonde and gold to light brown on a jet black hair also looks smart and fashionable. The more uneven it is, the more emo it looks. The only thing to be kept in mind is the face, for emo hairstyles, most of the face is covered. Just dye your hair and cut it in such a way that the hair in the front is longer and covers your face and the hair at the back can be given a razor cut for those spiky and pointy ends with a creepy look. To enhance the emo hairstyle further, you can use hair gels and hair glues. Applying hair glue to the front shabby pieces of your hair gives a perfect emo look. You can apply gel to the back of your hair to make it stand away from you, this suits if your back hair is short and spiky. If you have long bangs behind just apply gel and glue in a combination that gives you a unique look, remember the more shabby and spiky look the better is the emo hairstyle. Emo hairstyle is the cheapest hairstyle as it does not require any professional hair stylist to do it for you, nor do you require any highly priced hair dyes to color your hair, what you want is to just chop off your hair and highlight it with different hues of colors. Now you need to just dress your hair by straightening it up. A flat iron can do your job.锘縀nglish Language CultureUggs Brick, NJ you’ll be capable to acquire numerous types of uggs. Brick NJ citizens should really take into account Bob Kislin’s outside Sports, which features a broad selection of those types of items.锘縒omens Boots From Gipsy Dharma ugg boots outlet
    Some heartrending stories also emerged from the disaster. Cecilie Skog, the wife of Norwegian climber Rolf Bae, had climbed Everest and reached both Poles with her husband. On August 1, she watched as the serac carried Bae to his death, then she descended safely with a teammate. McDonnell, the first Irishman to climb K2, had left a farewell note on his online blog upon leaving base camp, a phrase in Gaelic that translates as “That’s all for now, friends. The time is coming.”These ugg boots for women are highly luxurious and exceptionally comfortable. Incidentally, these quality boots are adorned with accentuated shapes that would fit your foot like a glove.Short Men Can t Get Girlfriends? That s a Tall Story! There may have been plenty of surveys alleging that taller men find it much easier to get a girlfriend, or wife, and stay single for less time than their vertically challenged counterparts, but does the reality bear this out? For, when you start to think about it, the list of successful shorter chaps with willowy women on their arm seems almost endless. Mick Jagger, for example, at 5ft 10ins, is stepping out with fashion stylist L Wren Scott, six inches taller than him. He has also dated model Sophie Dahl, another six footer, and been married to beauty Jerry Hall. Sophie, for her part, has now hit the right note with jazz singer Jamie Cullum, who s six inches shorter than Jagger. Rod Stewart, the same height as the Rolling Stone, stands three inches shorter than his partner, leggy blonde model Penny Lancaster. There s even more of a gap between Formula One racing tycoon Bernie Ecclestone and wife Slavica a whole foot. But that hasn t stopped 5ft 2ins tall Bernie measuring up in her eyes. And actress Brigitte Neilsen towers over husband Mattia Dessi. There may be shorter height differences between some other celebrity couples, but it s there nonetheless. Film star Tom Cruise, at 5ft 7ins, is two inches shorter than his wife Katie Holmes, while there is a slightly larger gap between film director Roman Polanski and lofty wife Emmanuelle Seigner and novelist Salman Rushdie and ex wife Padma Lakshmi. The list goes on. Height hasn t stood in the way of the career or love life of the pint sized French President Nicolas Sarkozy, who at 5ft 5ins tall, is married to former model Carla Bruni Sarkozy, reportedly four inches taller. Another Hollywood star, 53 year old Oscar winner Mel Gibson, is expecting a child with his girlfriend, Russian singer Oksana Grigorieva, 14 years his junior. Mel s height is the subject of some dispute, but he s definitely under six foot, while his other half is a beanpole. Similarly, Billy Joel, just 5ft 5ins tall, has had no trouble finding girlfriends and wives, including Katie Lee and supermodel Christine Brinkley, who, of course, are both much taller than him. (Brinkley is 5ft 9ins.) There have been many reasons put forward for the reasons for the pulling power of shorter chaps. Some of them are downright patronising taller women prefer shorter guys because they re just more grateful wrote one journalist. Far more plausibly, some say women just appreciate the compact sex appeal of less than lofty blokes. (Think Robert De Niro and James Dean.) Others reasons put forward for their success in love are that shorter guys are funnier, more ambitious, better providers, more mature, less likely to be cads and less in love with themselves. But, whatever the reason, short man/tall woman partnerships are a well established trend, and they re here to say. So, if you re a diminutive male, having a girlfriend several inches higher than you needn t be a problem, or a tall order. At all.锘縎hort Shorts Ban In Truro Schools Angers Parents PHOTO ugg boots outlet Take accurate arm measurements to fit clothes; learn how to take body measurements for clothes and tailoring in this free video on.锘緼ccessori abbigliamento ItalianoKatie Price announced her divorce from kIERAN Hayler this morning on TwitterThe tweet read: “Sorry to say me and Kieran are divorcing him and my best friend Jane Pountney been having a full blown sexual affair for 7 months.”The couple wed 2013 in the Bahamas. uggs online

    ugg sale 99 1 south bend tribune indiana
    ugg sale 99 1 4 dioxane
    ugg sale 99 1 la kalle 100.3
    ugg sale 99 honda crv owners manual
    ugg sale 99 2.2 pounds crossword

  3. Greetings from Carolina! I’m bored at work so I decided to browse your blog on my
    iphone during lunch break. I love the info you present here
    and can’t wait to take a look when I get home. I’m
    surprised at how quick your blog loaded on my mobile ..
    I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyhow, amazijg blog!

Leave a Reply