Harakiri and hot flashes and RIP Dennis Hopper

My laptop commit harakiri

It was the most amazingly prosaic swan dive from the second floor. One moment the device was in my hands, then I heard the impact as it landed, squarely, one floor below.

A gap.

And then:

‘I guess it’s time to purge’

When the boy genius Apple employee looked grim, it only confirmed what I felt in my heart.

It’s time to break with the past.

My hard drive was damaged and apparently I had been backing up my data with a programme which is incompatible with the new operating system. So, all the photos, the yellow stickie musings, the poems I wrote and the quotations I collected…all gone.

Or as inaccessible as a banker’s heart.

Before, I would have hissed and spat.

Now, I just laughed. With relief.

The boy genius handed me a card for a data retrieval expert.

And it made me anxious.

What to retrieve and what to leave behind?

Some of the choices, now, post-cancer treatment, are being made for me. After returning from India, bobcat and I are more separated by our priorities than by distance. I cannot just resume my place at the table, pick up the cards and continue as before. My poker face has melted away. As well as my zest for the game. So I’m back in Toronto and assessing the collateral damage.


I am also struggling with chemo-induced menopause. That’s a significant part of the collateral damage which doesn’t hit you until it hits you.

Apparently, natural menopause is a fender bender, whereas chemo induced menopause is like hitting a brick wall at sixty miles an hour.

heart pop.

It’s unclear whether this is permanent or a temporary side effect. I’m taking note of all the symptoms. Like the hot flashes. Like the unfortunate changes in my personality. Which is kind of hard sometimes, as menopause affects concentration as well as my memory. Obviously, my data retrieval woes go on and on.

Small resentments find their way inside my skull. Its an orchestra, each thought loud and distinct and also harmonising together into a soundtrack. A melodramatic one.

As in:

‘How do I catch up? I’ve lost eight months of my life.’

‘Who will take care of me if I relapse?’

‘What do I do now?’

‘Why didn’t I freeze my eggs?’

Because now I long to have a baby. The desire I never experienced before. To evoke the ancestors and wash my fruit in the stream.

Like the ‘hundredth monkey’, I am a victim of collective consciousness. I am not as unique as I imagined.

Because now I want to have a baby.

Before when I was going from treatment to treatment I had little time to reflect on what I was going through.

Now I am becoming interested and curious and tender. Again.

And sometimes sad.

But at least I have an excuse to act up. Again.

The menopausal rage takes me by surprise sometimes. Maybe its a good thing bobcat’s not coming round often. Or at least he no longer parks recklessly when he comes to visit.

Unlike before.

But that was before.

Bobcat once said: ‘perhaps the reason I came into your life was to walk with you through this.’ I was diagnosed almost a year ago because he prompted me to get extensive tests. Not just that, he paid for them. Perhaps every relationship has a purpose we cannot discern from the beginning.

I prefer to believe sometimes two people come together simply because they open each other’s hearts.

Can cancer teach me something about the nature of love?

So my girlfriends are gathering close. Only they can discern the crazy wisdom changes.

And before I spill all my colours, I remember the words I have not spoken.

‘I was dying. I am still here. The journey is the now.’

I need to take care of my body. I have been seeing an acupuncturist, Zhao Cheng, who is the director of the TCM (traditional chinese medicine) Anti-Cancer Centre. He smiles a lot to make up for his english. He is gentle and considerate. He takes my pulse every week and places the needles precisely into my flesh. The ones stuck over my hip bones hurt. They are stimulating my chi where I need it. In my ovaries. In my bone.

He hands me a package of chinese herbs after every visit. I snip open the plastic squares and mix the contents with hot water. It makes an extremely bitter tonic, which makes me feel like it must be working.

Then I went to see Lisa Doran, a naturopath recommended by my friend Tara. She took notes as I spoke and recommended some herbs as well as the 21 day Feel Good Spring Fast by the Feel Good Guru (http://feelgoodguru.com/) It’s a vegan cleanse which means no dairy, no meat, no wheat and no sugar.

I know what you’re thinking.

Why put yourself through that? After everything you’ve been through.

What I’m doing is tasting full service food. It’s delicious but even more than this is the way my body feels and functions. Undiluted energy runs through me.

I’m purging all those pepperettes. From my initiation into the Cancer Club.

Yes, we’re vegan now, sighs my father.

It’s worth a shot. This fresh possibility of good health.

Cancer is not the end of the road.

It’s a cryptic restart.

I spend a lot of time enjoying the company of friends now. And I’ve got the shrinks! The curves of my collarbones are back. My body looks pleasing to me again. I can’t take it with me to the next life, this bag of bones, but I can take care of it in this life.

And my bones. I listen to the deepest part of me.

That’s why I can’t just go back to my old life.

I found a new predisposition. It flares up so strong these days, I have to obey. I will write. A book. Soon.

And my dear friend Sindi Hawkins is battling leukemia for the third time. I’d like to glue myself to her bedside and expect the miraculous.

Here’s the cover of the Indian version of People Magazine. Thanks to Sandipan for a sensitive interview and for spreading hope for members of the cancer club in India.

And a message from Shamim and myself:

‘Thank you so much to everyone who has contributed this far to making the audio books of The World Unseen and I Can’t Think Straight happen. This is a project funded by all our wonderful fans. Shamim Sarif, author of the books and director of the movies, flew down to Mumbai two months ago, and I read both books during a week’s intensive taping.

There’s still a chunk of the budget that needs to be raised, to enable the production of the Audio Books. If anyone wishes to donate to this fund, donations are being taken at Enlightenment Press’s PayPal account and the email for donations is info@enlightenment-productions.com.

In the meantime, the audio books are available for pre-order at the Enlightenment site, and the downloadable version will follow when ready.

Note to self: stem cell transplant. Time to tackle that chestnut. Next blog.

And here’s news:
We are pleased to report that Newsweek has featured the MMRF’s barrier-breaking work in its May 31st cover story, “Desperately Seeking Cures?“.

The article examines various roadblocks in developing transformative, life-saving treatments and focuses particularly on the “valley of death,” the infamous period spanning pre-clinical drug discovery to early-stage drug development where new compounds often stall or languish from insufficient funding. The MMRF is cited as a model in overcoming these roadblocks from our focus on collaborative science and data-sharing to our commitment to supporting a strategic and aggressive research portfolio to ensure that the development of more effective treatments is not stalled for funding, expertise, or resources.

Thank you for your support. With your continued generosity, we will ensure that the next generation of treatments is brought to patients as quickly as possible.

Best regards,

Kathy Giusti Signature 2010

Kathy Giusti
Founder and CEO
Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation

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5,307 Responses

  1. jane

     /  May 30, 2010

    i read your words…feel them too…”you have a talent, make sure to do something with it”…

  2. A very long entry that I will have to read the rest of at a latyer time, because I am excited to tell you (Shamim is aware also) That because the Oprah Winfrey show is ending in 2011 and because she is presenting a rare opportunity for her viewers to write in a tell Oprah who we want to see her interview.
    I have posted om my website: http://sapphisdezire.t35.com (Which is now a one page Lisa Rani Ray Tribute Page) Instructions and links to complete the form to let Oprah know we want to see you Sheetal and Shamim interviewed. The manner in which you are facing your challenge, with: Openess, Honesty and Candor.
    The Charisma that you shared with Shamim portraying empathy and dignity and Shamim for dismantling assumptions surrounding religion, sexual identity and East Asian women influenced by Western ideation.

    Hopefully the readers on this Blog will join me, Shamim, and Fans of Enlightenmnt Productions and indulge Oprah with many many messages to bring you onto the show.

    MOVING ON Go to: myotherdrive.com and create an account so you can back up your important files online. I use it and you get 2 gigs for free. If you need more space it’s $4.85 per month.

    Okay well that’s about it. Do you suffer from sinus problems? I have had the worst sinus headache all weekend.

  3. Oops I meant to write: The Charisma you share with Sheetal (not Shamim, although I’m sure that existed also).

  4. this is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. first to let go. finally, take a step without feet.

    RIP old laptop. and old before.
    welcome (gently) with openheart: new beauty, new truth and this moment.. you can:)

    also: this week’s horoscope for aries*
    mozart once challenged his friend haydn to play a harpsichord piece he’d written. haydn tried, but stopped partway through when the musical score called for him to play a note in the middle of the keyboard even though his right hand was fully occupied at the high end and his left hand at the low end. “nobody can play this,” protested haydn. “i can,” said mozart, who proceeded to perform the piece flawlessly, dipping down to play the problematic note with his nose. in the coming week, aries, be inspired by mozart as you not only cover the extremes but also take care of the center.

  5. Sometimes it seems that there is always a purpose behind everything that happens around us — meeting someone, being somewhere, and even suffering physically and emotionally. But then, at times, I do wonder whose purpose is that? We identify purposes only in the context and against the backgrounds of our lives. Therefore, there is always a possibility of there being other purposes that are beyond our comprehension at a certain point of time and we may realize them much later. May be, the time to understand the ‘real’ or the ‘most significant’ purpose is yet to arrive.

    It was good to read the entry, and your reflections about the ‘purpose’ behind meeting someone invoked a minor chain of thought, which I felt compelled to share with you, for it was your thought that made me think. Thanks. :)

  6. FingerLakes Tourist

     /  May 30, 2010

    WOW! This entry is amazing!!! Still processing it, as my brain is already asleep from mucking up formulas. Babe, I am sure your hard drive can/will be salvaged. And you know, I am looking at BobCat with newfound respect — he paid your medical bills, that is simply kind kind hearted and speaks of his love to you. Hold on to him and enjoy every moment you have with him. (I had to do that with my RobMouse and boo-hoo its been over :-P ).

    Menopause huh? Babygal, I wish these daang issues would end and leave you alone. I thought I read in one of your entries that you were going to see the freezologist to save your eggs. Didn’t happen kya? Good to hear you are taking care of everything (food, health, looks ;) ). And more power to you and your friends. Let your hair down and have lots of fun. I will proudly carry your book (when you write it) in my bag everywhere I go, cuz I know it will be a masterpiece of emotions and brilliant writing. Merci Boku for posting this soon. Love you! tc

  7. Azimah

     /  May 30, 2010

    Hi lisa,

    I enjoyed reading your blog so far. It makes me more aware of my career and from your sharings, some things i could learn. I’m looking forward for more of your writing and hope you will publish a book from this life experience. (pls make sure it’s easily available in my country)

    P/S: You look gorgoeus in that mag cover and i <3 that smile as always.

  8. yuxyyu

     /  May 30, 2010

    yuo look great! and thanks to keep this blog update and be sure there is always a lot of people who wish the best to you… :) and like when you are in twittmode

  9. J.

     /  May 30, 2010

    Lisa: Hello. I actually wished to refrain from commenting – feels a little weired addressing you w/out really knowing you. See how you move people? :) Your repeated words – longing for a child – moved me. The seemingly early cessation of that possibility… only time will tell, yes? – I believe with God, all things are possible. I think you do too. Here’s a little prayer I learned as a child. It is to our guardian angels. We each have one – remember? Our eternal advocates, always by our side: “Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom God’s love entrusts me here… ever this day be at my side… to watch… to guard… to rule… and to guide.” Amen. May God bless you and continue to keep watch over you. With love -

  10. Anupam

     /  May 30, 2010

    back from Maa Vaishno Devi. Maa’s Benevolence is overwhelming. Jai Mata Di.

  11. Wow am I the “Dumb American” or what? I was redoing the webpage (redesigning etc and I saw your People Cover. I mean I had NO Idea. Sheesh I feel like an uninformed dullard. I knew you had an international following and all but to get the cover of People Magazine is

  12. (cont) mOn a whole new level. I am therefore particularly honored when I see Toronto Canada on my website (How do I know it’s you?) Just a vibe I get.

  13. Michelle

     /  May 31, 2010

    Hey Lisa,
    I don’t know what it is about you, but you give me hope in my own life. I battle depression almost on a daily basis sometimes to the point where I can’t get out of bed or leave my house, or worst just feeling like death is the only option to feel better. I know you are cured from your cancer but now there are side effects. And that is your new obstacle. From what I read in your blog, that no matter how bad it gets you can handle it. And it give me strength knowing that we all have battles and we need to be strong. You have so many people who are tightly circled around you, whether its bobcat a thousand miles away from you or inches from you, he, your family, and friends will always be there no matter what. I work in surgery and in vascular I get to help the surgeon put in portacaths, some patients come in so sick, while others are crying and just can’t believe what is going on. I wish I could take their pain away but I can’t. And it depresses me because I just to be the person who makes everything better for everyone. And I learned I can’t, but I did learn to smile with my eyes through my mask. Some patients lock eyes with me and I feel they forget for a few seconds what is going on. And it makes me feel amazing. Lisa by you being by your friend’s side, Sindi Hawkins during her battle with leukemia, you are doing a wonderful thing. The little things Lisa, are what make life feel so good. I put your photo on my cell phone, and even though my boss gets so mad for me having my phone in the surgery suite. Just seeing your smile gives me a boost of happiness. I dont know what it is. It’s like randomly walking down the street and someone out of nowhere smiles at you, and for me it makes me feel better. Like in their own way they were meant to be there at that given time to give me that boost of “it will get better soon” power.
    I hope you get back in the entertainment business soon. Will you make a series for I Can’t Think Straight? Every weekend I have been trying to find your movies, because they all share so many sides of you. One thing though I wish you could do a reality series, I love your movies, but I would like to see who Lisa Ray really is. I loved the audiobook taping that was so funny. You are just an all around amazing person who is so full of life. I know you are going through changes, but little by little, like a a rose bud blooming in the sun, you will be completely opened back up to who you used to be. It wont happen over night, but over time, you will feel completely better.
    My family went nuts when I told them I wanted to cut my hair like yours. I wanted to shave my head so we could grow back our hair together, but most of them would stop talking to me. My family is not open to too many things. One me being a lesbian, they would go nuts if I looked like butch lesbian. I think I am just me being me, who loves women. I am a normal human who gets depressed lol. Speaking of being a lesbian, I only liked hispanic women, because I myself is half Salvadorean and half italian. I have never been interested in middle eastern or indian women. But looking at you and Sheetal out of no where, this doctor (from Iran) I work with came back from a trip in Fiji, and she instantly got my attention, even though I had seen her before for almost 3 months. Weird thing was that maybe it’s cause she never talked to me, but she started talking to me. She is an all around amazing person who is in the wrong line of work. She is so outspoken that fixing bones isn’t for her, she is perfect for clinical psychology. I have fallen head over heal for this woman, but I have to respect her by not over stepping the boundaries and making a move. I have learned to leave sraight women alone from past experienced, lol. The reason why I tell you about her is that you have a gift like her that when she speaks or writes to me anything she has to say is so inspirational!! You have been given this beautiful gift Lisa!! Don’t ever stop speaking to us your fans, no matter what you say as an actress or just Lisa Ray, we listen to it, we ralate, and for some of us your words give us strength to live another day. As you are here for us, we are here fo you.
    Lisa if it does come to the point where you can’t have children. Lisa adopt some from even India raise them like your own and give them a better life. Lisa think of it this way, you could have had a child before cancer, you could have had many. But your focus shouldn’t be on that! Lisa I know blah! Things happen for a reason Blah! Fine whatever, but what if it does! What if you are meant to adopt and change the life of a child or children who might not have parents, or a good foundation in their life. I know something so powerful will come into your life and it will blow you away with the amount of happiness you are going to experience! I sometimes tell myself that life will get bettter you just have to hold on just a little while longer. Here I am 26 years old, and I just have to give it one more day because I think something is waiting for me in the future. I know I have to wait and some days it hurts, but I have to hang on. That’s why I like right now you are my life line and lifesaver. Please dont be sad Lisa, I want to smile with you.
    I know I write you like if I have known you my whole life but you just give me that comfortibility to be able to write to you. Thank you for you time Lisa. I hope you feel better. Things will get better, be patient.



  14. 东芳

     /  May 31, 2010

    Hi Lisa,
    love you so much!
    Always feel very happy no matter see your photo, your words or talk about you. Although my English is not so good that I can not express very well, i just want to say, i love you! Hope one day i can see you!

  15. Your blog takes my breath away!

    I’m proud of you..God bless you Lisa Ray

  16. Dearest Lisa,

    I feel your pain and a certain melancholy riptide tightens my heart… Reading this blog entry made me all the more concern for you…

    It’s sometimes unsettling when our certainties are stripped away… but Life is always fluid and there are so many possibilities that lie within us… sometimes they are just hidden in the heart of things…

    You have been through so much in the last 8 months and you overcame the biggest hurdle that one can face in Life… and although the challenges are still an ongoing thing, you have always proven that you can always weather the storms.

    You are that ‘Yellow beacon’… and the Light within you is just always there.

    I Believe in You.

    I deeply pray that you will always have all the Love, Support and continuous Strength that will help you wade through these new terrains…

    At the moment, how I wish that I can do more than write this message… there are so many things that I wanted to say… just know that I am also here for You.

    More than ever, I’ll fervently keep you in my prayers and I will always be sending positive chi and chakras for you.

    Something glorious will happen… and it’s just inching its way through you…

    Giving you all the Love & Support I can muster,


    I am giving energy to that ‘miraculous thing’ for your friend Sindi and for you as well.

  17. DK

     /  May 31, 2010

    Thank you. Obviously from the other posts, many of us feel you are an amazing writer and an inspiring human! I agree that sometimes we cannot see the reason…but know you are an inspiration to many, which I hope can be enough for now.
    Strength, love & peace be with you! Prayers :) K

  18. Theresa

     /  May 31, 2010

    Hello Lisa,

    You are a voice that helps heal many. I myself do not have any life threating disease but you made me wake up. I stumbled upon you by watching one of your movies, “Can’t Think Straight” and something about you made me want to see where your life was taking you and that is when I found your website and learned of your illness. I seriously stopped and said, “This can’t be happening!’ But it was to you and to so many other people around the world. And I think this made me even more upset that I had never sat down and pondered about the illnesses that cut so many people’s lives short. I then, decided to take a more active part in my community about Cancer and participated in Relay for Life and joined a clinical survey that will be over a 20 year span. I just wanted you to know that you have inspired me to open my eyes and see. You have all my prayers and wishes for a full and speedy recovery from the Chemo side affects. And I will look forward to seeing where your life takes you on this new, exciting, daring road, YOU have made for yourself! Take Care! And I hope you understand, YOU have made a difference in the World because you chose TO STAND UP and not be silent and not be alone!

  19. A Cryptic Restart – and rainbow of emotions!
    Victory of humane over virtuosity and masks !!

    I guess your fans from past are yet to throng to this post of yours, and those who are more close to your present are already here.. am here coz I found something that touch a chord – notes of emotions unbirdled!

    Keep walking…

  20. It’s good to hear you Lisa !
    Keep the faith for all…
    We love you

  21. Sun of Germany

     /  May 31, 2010

    Dear Lisa,
    we are so glad to here from you…
    Your plans…babies and a book…what a wunderful massage…
    Thats so beautiful…
    We all love you and wish you all the best…for all your plan’s.
    Have ever many, many sunshine in your heart <3

  22. Sun of Germany

     /  May 31, 2010

    Dear Lisa,
    we are so glad to here from you…
    Your plans…babies and a book…what a wunderful massage…
    Thats so beautiful…
    We all love you and wish you all the best…for all your plan’s.
    Have always many, many sunshine in your heart <3

  23. michelle Chang

     /  May 31, 2010

    Dear Lisa Ray
    Wishes Best ~加油~加油~!!!!
    ~ ^+++ ^

  24. Christine W

     /  May 31, 2010


    I’m sorry you dropped your laptop. I’m sure if I dropped mine and then lost those constituent parts of a sociologist’s dissertation I’ve managed to produce, I’d have hissed, then spat, and then laughed. But the news of the day for me is that you plan to write a book. I’m thrilled to hear that. Be well. Keep shining.


  25. clemence

     /  May 31, 2010

    my dear lisa we are always here by your side to listen to you and love u bcz we really care for u. maybe for u we r just fans that u do not know it,but we know you well bcz you were brought into our lives that’s why we feel with you every word you written, and wait for your next blod..God knows how hard was all that you’ve lived my dear but thanx GOD u feel good right now … i have made a donation for the Audio book and i will do it again and again if necessary. (sorry for my english)

  26. Nikki

     /  May 31, 2010


    I am glad you feel better. I pray for you everyday. I can imaging what are you going through with the side effects my mom died of colon cancer at age of 52. I am the one who used to take care of her while my father, my brother and sister worked. At that time I was 24 yrs old and I choose to stayed home and take care of her, now I am 37 yrs old and I will do it all over again if I need to. I am glad you have your family, friends and Bobcat, I assumed he is your boyfriend next to you during this 8 months. Taking care of you and giving you all the support that you need. It will get better you’ll see.
    I am happy to hear you thinking about having a baby and writing a book. Good thoughts of you. I saw People magazine and you look beautiful. Your beautiful smile.
    I just want you to know you are very love in Miami, Florida where I live.
    Take care yourself, we want to see more Lisa Ray.
    Lets know when is your next project.
    I love you

  27. Anne

     /  May 31, 2010

    Love does not mean
    that we stay together forever,
    but you have some time together is going the way of life,
    and then only to go further,
    with the love of the other in the heart
    and that for the rest of your life!

  28. Raffaela

     /  May 31, 2010

    I hope with all my heart that you’re better. You’re beautiful. God bless you. Kisses.

  29. Thanks for sharing. I know, loss must be allowed to be experienced, but sorry about your laptop. Since all of us have experienced pain and loss of dear one’s and dear objects, I guess all I can say is, loss makes you walk over to the other side, which you would not see otherwise.
    Everything we love, gives us strength and ..holds us back from something…anyways..I love your honesty. You make me feel, like my problems are ridiculous :)

  30. Débora

     /  May 31, 2010


    You captivate me, fascinates me and inspires me
    You are a great example and it is exciting to see your strength and courage.
    And it is beautiful to see the sparkle in your eyes is not deleted!
    May your life be beautiful and bright! Even from afar, I am always hoping to read nice things about you. Congratulations on being the person you are and never stop fighting and believing!

  31. Ximena

     /  May 31, 2010

    Hello Lisa!!

    Is good to see you here again!! :)

    Mmm…. A new life. New experiences, of course.

    And a beautiful light. You. :) :)

    Thank you very much for your effort and for sharing with us…

    Sorry for my english. I would say much more. But I think you understand. Uff!!! :(

    Best wishes, like always…

    Ximena. :) :)

  32. ciao Lisa,

    a propos your internal chatter and especially “How do I catch up? I’ve lost eight months of my life.” … you did not lose anything.
    If anything you have been given a profound insight into the human condition, the incredible insight into the nature of your soul.
    We all enter this realm of deep insight through different portals, for good or bad your portal was through your illness. But the illness factor should not be a reason for not to be … instead of me writing an essay right now, please read “Dark Nights of the Soul” by Thomas Moore.
    I have an audio version, read by the author. Let me know if you are interested.

    A propos your bobcat and people “who will take care of you” – I once came across this:
    “People come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime.

    When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

    Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

    LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

    Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime.”

    Be well !

    PS: if you backed up your files to an external hard disk, it can’t be gone! Just find somebody with Mac’s old operating system and using the same back-up software that you used to back-up your stuff, recover it on their computer. After that, from their computer, transfer your recovered files to your new computer.

  33. sarika/sarky

     /  May 31, 2010

    hye Lisa,
    nice to see u back and i am glad u r better now and will be much stronger now, love all the mags cover of u.
    hope ur india trip was awesome and that u r okay now and yes i wud LOVE to see u on oprah 1 day, u wud make a amazing entry.
    god bless u

  34. faith

     /  May 31, 2010

    I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe Bobcat’s purpose was for that door to testing be opened. He seems to be the reason you have gotten to this point in your life and that alone is a powerful thing. Love is amazing and people do just come together cause they open each other’s hearts. Even on the worst of days love heals all and true love transform you into the best version of yourself.

    kids…having kids is an amazing thing. It has transformed me into the kind of person I am today. I don’t know what holds you back at this point from having a baby, but it is a decision that will enrich your life like no other.

  35. Dear Lisa, good to see you full of questions, that's great, do think about what did or did not do, or you want to do; reflection in our lives are necessarias.A pain that hits you makes you kicked out the other pains Also, I like doctors now also I'm sick, but it's just a bad cold where I am almost deaf, and it makes me feel that so many other things are also necessary for me, as one sees flu, which heals with rest and very liquids, and makes me think of many things, not to be capable of quoting here, now you stand here wondering, because he had children! them because sometimes there are no answers that queriamos.Eu when I'm in my ER, I am thinking of the children who are here in this hospital, so lacking in all sense, health so fragile as a porcelain Slide in any breaks. Oh come into my home and see my son for 15 years, my daughter 11, so i am looking for healthy resposta.Minha hand my wisdom healing and sometimes not, and I have little patients resposta.Meus are all my children, I feel I was born to treat them as a mother medica.meu leptop also have to format it, because I blew in surveys at conferences, on research, to find something new, where can I use it in patients, it is more than researches, studies, back to the start, treat the body as life here is nesscesario, the rest after the spirits help us, that's for sure, so dear Lisa, do everything you can or want, for my passage here our and all boils down to so little, that we must never lose Fé.Volto to say where his mother is, I'm sure she must be there by your side in this struggle, so we'll be a winner, you can and should, hugs Dr. Luzimar

  36. Parul

     /  May 31, 2010

    Dear Lisa,
    Sorry to hear that you dropped your laptop and lost all the data. But may be it’s a sign? Did you ever think about that? May be someone up there is telling you to leave your past behind and move on, look ahead!!! About Bobcat, if it’s meant to be, he will be with you again. Sometimes, people just come in our lives when we need them the most and then just move on when things are better. You may feel like he was just a phase in your life but give him some time-he needs to absorb everything from past year. You want to have a baby and it’s natural and may be you feel like your biological clock is ticking but you shouldn’t worry. It will happen for you..soon. You definitely sounded ‘better’ from your last blog. I am happy for you. Acupuncture does work-I am not speaking from experience but a friend of mine swears by it. So may be you trying alternative medicine and changing your life style a bit; is a start in new direction-sort of. I was a caregiver to my sister last year when she went through couple of surgeries. And I tell you, it does take a toll on you. She went through depression but with support of family and friends, is doing better now. Her life style is different now. She has her ‘good days’ and some ‘not so good days’ but has learned to accept what life gives her. It’s very easy to give advise-as she used to say, you don’t know what I am going through’. And I knew that I could take her pain away but did all I could to cheer her up. You seem to have a good support system around you but they also need your support, does that make sense? On a different note, I did pre-order those audio books because it’s for your cause and i want to support you in any way I can. Looking forward to your book:) Please keep writing. It helps and motivates so many of us.
    Love Always,

  37. Julieta

     /  May 31, 2010

    Lisa, nice to hear from you again! we’ve missed you
    I just wanted to say I LOVE YOU!!

  38. ladyd

     /  May 31, 2010

    Dear Lisa

    You are a miracle. You made a commitment, followed through, and had a positive outcome. I know that there are a lot of things you would like to do. Sometimes it takes time and you need to take one step at a time. You have gone through a lot. I look on here and see the many people who adore you and want you to continue to do well. I for one. You have a very big fan base. You are going to go through a lot of ups and downs in your life but I know that you have fight in you. You have to be strongwilled. You seem as though you are doing a good job so far.

    We miss your acting and we hope that you will be back in the swing of things real soon. Good luck with your goals. I am sure that they will be accomplished.

  39. Okay my dear elusive friend Ms Ray
    It’s very hot in these parts bof the United States toda. As a result I am held captive in my air conditioned apartment, so I decided to address a little m,ore of your latest Blog post:

    ‘How do I catch up? I’ve lost eight months of my life.’

    “You don’t have to catch up, \ because you haven’t fallen behind. Instead you’ve kept progressing forward but on a different path. You don’t want to go back and retrace your steps to a point where you belive you should be because that it an illusion. Rather think: Where do I go from here?”

    ‘Who will take care of me if I relapse?’

    “I live alone and two years ago I experienced a major relapse. I live in a state where I have no family (even if I lived near family, they’d prove to be useless). However life makes things happen. This is why it’s important to establish a support network. Become a part of a support group for survivors of MM. Even if you don’t attend any meetings when you need someone to be there they may be able to help. If it’s a worst case scenario and there is NO ONE then you can write to me at hypervisionvideos@gmail.com and there is additional contact information at my artist websitewhich can also be reached through the “Lisa Rani Ray Tribute Page at: http://sapphisdezire.t35.com.
    I will do my best to ensure that the proper individuals are there for you. Because no one should suffer the uncertainty of Catastrophic Illness alone.”

    ‘What do I do now?’

    “Embrace life Lisa, bask in the love of those around you and the love of your friends all over the globe (Even me the American Chick who wants to get you on the Oprah Winfrey show.)”

    “Why didn’t I freeze my eggs?”
    Look I have mine and let life distract me anyway. Don’t beat yourself up over why you did or didn’t do something. It’s done, that’s all that nmatters, we cannot change the past.

    “Because now I long to have a baby. The desire I never experienced before. To evoke the ancestors and wash my fruit in the stream.”

    “Here’s the thing: We want most that which seems unattainable. But there are ways to “have” this need met. However it mnay not be in the conventional way but you have to decide which path to take. I understand this and ironically I never wanted a baby..UNTIL that is I had surgery that resulted in a permanent inability tom have children. At that moment I never wanted a baby so bad.
    That was then and there are so many children in the world that need our love and gifts we must come to understand that there is no prerequisite that we bear a child in order to love a child”

    Like the ‘hundredth monkey’, I am a victim of collective consciousness. I am not as unique as I imagined.

    “Umm, well I used to think I was pretty unique also. Catastrosphic Illness has lowered my expectations considerably HA! Now I am a mere mortal like everyone else, buh :o / LOL. However I am still unique and so are you Habibi”

    Before when I was going from treatment to treatment I had little time to reflect on what I was going through.

    “Yes preoccupation can be a savior.”

    Now I am becoming interested and curious and tender.

    “Take a deep breath and realize that is going to occur on occasion. When we are diagnosed with catastrophic illness we go through a series of emotions like grieving, anger, fear etc.
    Having these emotions is not a one time thing: The anxiousness, anger and uncertainty can re-occur until we have reached our personal level of acceptance.
    BTW I never imagined you as anything other than “tender”

    And sometimes sad.

    “See above quote”

  40. “Bobcat once said: ‘perhaps the reason I came into your life was to walk with you through this.’ I was diagnosed almost a year ago because he prompted me to get extensive tests. Not just that, he paid for them. Perhaps every relationship has a purpose we cannot discern from the beginning.”

    I don’t believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that things happen, period. I am unsure that humans are predestined in any particular fashion, but I do believe our destiny is a result of our reactions to the current situation.

    Good that Bobcat paid for the tests, To be honest that is what a long term partner should do if they are able to.

  41. Dearest Ms. Ray,

    I don’t know you but on some level I do…. thank you for taking us on your journey with you…. You have touched my life as you have touched others. I couldn’t help but chuckle when I read about you and menopause. I like you am undergoing it for the 2nd time in my life!!! Having made it through endometriol cancer and getting it then and now after 20 years of estrogens…. Well, it’s the little things. I’ll take it because I am still glad to be on this journey. It’s interesting that answers come when we think they don’t. I like you longed for children but life showed me a different path and it has been wonderful. Remember no one steps in the same river twice.
    Continue to be you and continue to share with all of us your insight. God Bless.


  42. Maureen

     /  May 31, 2010


    As if it weren’t bad enough that you have a bit of PTSD due to the cancer scare (battle fatigue) now you have chemo-induced menopause? I bet you want to slug the person who said we’re never given anything we can’t handle!

    Sorry about the computer, but it does seem to “fit” the bigger picture at play. Funny that.

    Sometimes I just shake my head… Life.

  43. melc

     /  May 31, 2010

    …, …?

  44. FingerLakes Tourist

     /  May 31, 2010

    Olaa, am back again, sorry for the spam. I always wondered, if only you had grown up with a couple of siblings, your support system would be so much bigger. Babe, I know you are afraid cuz you think you are losing BobCat, cuz things are not the way they used to be. And I hope that doesn’t come true.

    Please don’t mention relapse, maybe its realistic, but lets not even think about it now. I know, I know, whats your blog without you pouring your heart out in it. If its unsettling for us to read your pain, I can imagine what you must go through. Hats off to you for being so honest and sharing. As for babies, there is still time, if it can’t happen just now, then we won’t give up, NO? :) tc sweetum, until next time, mucho besos.

  45. wan díaz

     /  May 31, 2010

    as we learned to “question authority” back in the sixties, now we have to question computer experts: get second, third & fourth opinions if need be. the harakiri version of facts is probably an exaggeration. that laptop does not fit the profile, but what do i know?!?… no, seriously, if you want to retrieve, i hope u can!
    check out this site & if so inclined, the forum will give u great tips and instructions: http://www.en.kioskea.com
    vegans & fruitarians are the happiest campers on Earth! to your health!!!!!!
    hugs, wan.

  46. Alana

     /  May 31, 2010


    I just wanted thank you for sharing your life with us and send you many prayers and hugs from the state of Indiana. I might not be able to read all of your posts but this one hit home. I too believe everyone is brought into our lives for a purpose, for no matter how long or short of time that might be. It may sound selfish to want to hold on longer but putting a chapter of our lives to rest is very natural, as I have learned recently. I also wanted to tell you not to let that book linger in your mind too long without letting it flow to paper. I’ve been telling myself the same thing for almost five years but I’m scared to even begin, after all it’s the story of me. When I find the time to put pen to paper (or fingertips to keyboard) I start questioning myself. I wonder why I would want to endure some of those memories again, and if it would be worth it in the end. If it inspires one person, it will be very much worth it. And so I say the same to you: If it will conclude a chapter in your life and bring hope and enlightenment to others then… pen… paper…go for it! (and if you decide to use a computer again keep it at ground level lol)

    Keep posting. A vegan diet can cleanse your body, but letting your thoughts flow freely reduces build-ups and crashes. ;)

    Best Wishes,
    Alana J.

  47. paawun

     /  June 1, 2010

    What you have stated about Bobcat…that makes me believe in Providence.

    You are being taken care of…God bless!!

  48. Irnita

     /  June 1, 2010

    Dear Ray…

    I just want to say… I love the spirit of your life.. it’s great for sharing with your all big fans.. be strong and keep going what ever it takes… I’m waiting for the book anyway..

    - Ir -

  49. Losing the hard drive on your laptop and re-birthing your bone marrow___that’s a lot of coincidence and perhaps serendipitous. Starting anew refreshes the soul.

    Thanks for your always creative perspective on living with cancer.

  50. Dearest Lisa,

    I don’t ever want to see you refer to “suicide” EVER! Not Metaphorically, not in the ritualistic sense not ever. Do you understand that no matter what you face in life that suicide is never an option?
    Now I vacillate in my feelings concerning BobCat because I am unsure of the dynamics however if it’s to be then it will be.

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