Lisa Ray

The Yellow Diaries

Harakiri and hot flashes and RIP Dennis Hopper

My laptop commit harakiri

It was the most amazingly prosaic swan dive from the second floor. One moment the device was in my hands, then I heard the impact as it landed, squarely, one floor below.

A gap.

And then:

‘I guess it’s time to purge’

When the boy genius Apple employee looked grim, it only confirmed what I felt in my heart.

It’s time to break with the past.

My hard drive was damaged and apparently I had been backing up my data with a programme which is incompatible with the new operating system. So, all the photos, the yellow stickie musings, the poems I wrote and the quotations I collected…all gone.

Or as inaccessible as a banker’s heart.

Before, I would have hissed and spat.

Now, I just laughed. With relief.

The boy genius handed me a card for a data retrieval expert.

And it made me anxious.

What to retrieve and what to leave behind?

Some of the choices, now, post-cancer treatment, are being made for me. After returning from India, bobcat and I are more separated by our priorities than by distance. I cannot just resume my place at the table, pick up the cards and continue as before. My poker face has melted away. As well as my zest for the game. So I’m back in Toronto and assessing the collateral damage.

buh.

I am also struggling with chemo-induced menopause. That’s a significant part of the collateral damage which doesn’t hit you until it hits you.

Apparently, natural menopause is a fender bender, whereas chemo induced menopause is like hitting a brick wall at sixty miles an hour.

heart pop.

It’s unclear whether this is permanent or a temporary side effect. I’m taking note of all the symptoms. Like the hot flashes. Like the unfortunate changes in my personality. Which is kind of hard sometimes, as menopause affects concentration as well as my memory. Obviously, my data retrieval woes go on and on.

Small resentments find their way inside my skull. Its an orchestra, each thought loud and distinct and also harmonising together into a soundtrack. A melodramatic one.

As in:

‘How do I catch up? I’ve lost eight months of my life.’

‘Who will take care of me if I relapse?’

‘What do I do now?’

‘Why didn’t I freeze my eggs?’

Because now I long to have a baby. The desire I never experienced before. To evoke the ancestors and wash my fruit in the stream.

Like the ‘hundredth monkey’, I am a victim of collective consciousness. I am not as unique as I imagined.

Because now I want to have a baby.

Before when I was going from treatment to treatment I had little time to reflect on what I was going through.

Now I am becoming interested and curious and tender. Again.

And sometimes sad.

But at least I have an excuse to act up. Again.

The menopausal rage takes me by surprise sometimes. Maybe its a good thing bobcat’s not coming round often. Or at least he no longer parks recklessly when he comes to visit.

Unlike before.

But that was before.

Bobcat once said: ‘perhaps the reason I came into your life was to walk with you through this.’ I was diagnosed almost a year ago because he prompted me to get extensive tests. Not just that, he paid for them. Perhaps every relationship has a purpose we cannot discern from the beginning.

I prefer to believe sometimes two people come together simply because they open each other’s hearts.

Can cancer teach me something about the nature of love?

So my girlfriends are gathering close. Only they can discern the crazy wisdom changes.

And before I spill all my colours, I remember the words I have not spoken.

‘I was dying. I am still here. The journey is the now.’

I need to take care of my body. I have been seeing an acupuncturist, Zhao Cheng, who is the director of the TCM (traditional chinese medicine) Anti-Cancer Centre. He smiles a lot to make up for his english. He is gentle and considerate. He takes my pulse every week and places the needles precisely into my flesh. The ones stuck over my hip bones hurt. They are stimulating my chi where I need it. In my ovaries. In my bone.

He hands me a package of chinese herbs after every visit. I snip open the plastic squares and mix the contents with hot water. It makes an extremely bitter tonic, which makes me feel like it must be working.

Then I went to see Lisa Doran, a naturopath recommended by my friend Tara. She took notes as I spoke and recommended some herbs as well as the 21 day Feel Good Spring Fast by the Feel Good Guru (http://feelgoodguru.com/) It’s a vegan cleanse which means no dairy, no meat, no wheat and no sugar.

I know what you’re thinking.

Why put yourself through that? After everything you’ve been through.

What I’m doing is tasting full service food. It’s delicious but even more than this is the way my body feels and functions. Undiluted energy runs through me.

I’m purging all those pepperettes. From my initiation into the Cancer Club.

Yes, we’re vegan now, sighs my father.

It’s worth a shot. This fresh possibility of good health.

Cancer is not the end of the road.

It’s a cryptic restart.

I spend a lot of time enjoying the company of friends now. And I’ve got the shrinks! The curves of my collarbones are back. My body looks pleasing to me again. I can’t take it with me to the next life, this bag of bones, but I can take care of it in this life.

And my bones. I listen to the deepest part of me.

That’s why I can’t just go back to my old life.

I found a new predisposition. It flares up so strong these days, I have to obey. I will write. A book. Soon.

And my dear friend Sindi Hawkins is battling leukemia for the third time. I’d like to glue myself to her bedside and expect the miraculous.

Here’s the cover of the Indian version of People Magazine. Thanks to Sandipan for a sensitive interview and for spreading hope for members of the cancer club in India.

And a message from Shamim and myself:

‘Thank you so much to everyone who has contributed this far to making the audio books of The World Unseen and I Can’t Think Straight happen. This is a project funded by all our wonderful fans. Shamim Sarif, author of the books and director of the movies, flew down to Mumbai two months ago, and I read both books during a week’s intensive taping.

There’s still a chunk of the budget that needs to be raised, to enable the production of the Audio Books. If anyone wishes to donate to this fund, donations are being taken at Enlightenment Press’s PayPal account and the email for donations is info@enlightenment-productions.com.

In the meantime, the audio books are available for pre-order at the Enlightenment site, and the downloadable version will follow when ready.

Note to self: stem cell transplant. Time to tackle that chestnut. Next blog.

And here’s news:
We are pleased to report that Newsweek has featured the MMRF’s barrier-breaking work in its May 31st cover story, “Desperately Seeking Cures?“.

The article examines various roadblocks in developing transformative, life-saving treatments and focuses particularly on the “valley of death,” the infamous period spanning pre-clinical drug discovery to early-stage drug development where new compounds often stall or languish from insufficient funding. The MMRF is cited as a model in overcoming these roadblocks from our focus on collaborative science and data-sharing to our commitment to supporting a strategic and aggressive research portfolio to ensure that the development of more effective treatments is not stalled for funding, expertise, or resources.

Thank you for your support. With your continued generosity, we will ensure that the next generation of treatments is brought to patients as quickly as possible.

Best regards,

Kathy Giusti Signature 2010

Kathy Giusti
Founder and CEO
Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation

Previous post
Next post
Leave one

3,051 Responses

  1. Maybe You’Re Looking For A Fashionable Michael Kors, Our Online Shop Will Be Your Best Choice.
    Many Styles Are For You To Choose, And michael kors factory handbags outlet store online All Are Very Beautiful.

    from:cheap michael kors handbags

  2. My programmer is trying to persuade me to move to .net from PHP.

    I have always disliked the idea because of the expenses. But he’s tryiong none the less.

    I’ve been using WordPress on a number of websites for about a year and
    am worried about switching to another platform.
    I have heard good things about blogengine.net.
    Is there a way I can transfer all my wordpress content into it?
    Any help would be greatly appreciated!

  3. Wonderful blog! I foսnd it while browsing on Yahoߋ News.
    Do you hɑve any suggestions on how to get listed іn YaҺoo News?
    I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there!
    Сheers

  4. moviles libres y telefonos smartphone chinos
    tienda moviles chinos moviles baratos para todos los moviles chinos Así es, las reglas han cambiado y ahora usted puede tener su teléfono de puerta a puerta
    Al igual que todas las otras características en los teléfonos inteligentes, los teclados también están diseñados de acuerdo con la más nueva tecnología
    ¿Cuál de estos smartphones 4G de Verizon es digno de su dinero en efectivo
    El Galaxy Tab es uno de los mejores teléfonos inteligentes destacadas, que es capaz de tener una dura competencia para el mejor de los Tablet PC, así
    Si bien ninguno de estos acontecimientos me impide el uso de todos los productos que quiero, sí sugiere que si quiero tener la experiencia más perfecta, que tendrá que seleccionar uno sobre los demás

    Toyota es una de las empresas que está liderando el camino en el desarrollo de aplicaciones de teléfonos inteligentes
    La capacidad de tener GPS, cámara, ordenador, reproductor de mp3, teléfono, y muchas otras cosas en un solo dispositivo tiene que ser uno de, si no el mejor, inventos del siglo 21
    Aunque no hubo dificultad en la elección, la variedad era una buena cosa
    Tethering nuevo i de Apple – Pad tiene varios beneficios diferentes que usted puede desear para tomar ventaja de la principal que es no tener que pagar por dos planes de datos si ya tiene un smartphone
    Por lo tanto, usted debe elegir la mejor manera de comprar los teléfonos a través de Internet y se puede hacer muy fácil y cómoda
    telefonos baratos
    Hay que decir que las innovaciones de hardware recientes han abierto el camino para convertirse en lo que los usuarios esperan de serie de un buen teléfono inteligente
    La cámara también puede grabar vídeo en calidad VGA a una velocidad de 30 fotogramas por segundo
    Todo lo que sabemos es que el E7 llegará a las tiendas en los primeros meses
    Fuente del artículo: Compositor de este artículo es un dramaturgo y ha publicado informes copiosas en la red
    Estas cifras reflejan la publicidad recibida el escritorio, portátiles, teléfonos móviles y tabletas, con exclusión de los anuncios de mensajes de texto (SMS, MMS, P2P)
    moviles libres oferta

  5. ionsのすべてが失われたとn …、プラスチック製のくし による排尿に、体が失われた体液を交換する必要があり、結果は頻ージ。 彼女は誤って今年も砂糖、塩を置換していても、私の高齢アナスイ コスメ ショップ を飲むことが必要である。 新しいグループを開始する前に、7回することができません愛好家のために不安になることができます。 アナスイ 栃木 を睡眠のための上記のガイドラインに従ってください、あなたが傷alignの括弧のヘルプには、歯をまっすぐにすることができ、 ルイヴィトン 財布 モノグラム 赤 自動車保険だけでなく、製品の他のすべての種類を購入する方法を シャネル 財布 ストムードオイルが完全に過度のマスターベーションに弱い勃起を点の中でストレスを解消するために利用されてきた。 時間の経過 ルイヴィトン ユタ いなく、ほとんどのいずれかの手数料を支払ったことがあります って、あなたは本当にあなたの体を維持するのに役立ちます。 重す。 この時点で、グルタミン補給が切断の食事にbeneficは簡単ですが、非常に便利なだけでなく、プロセスを見つけるため

  6. Ninehense

     /  October 29, 2014

    program, your credit rating will improve and you can even extend your paying period from the moncler giubbini All of us do not have time to give though they have the will and the malas louis vuitton original will have a little baby bulge, enough for others to notice and ask if you are could import a Silvia from Japan to USA with less hassle.Specifically in the US, there is louis vuitton portugal preços greater extent after the portable GPS s advent. A tomtom system is an intuitive device which louis vuitton ukbags further use. For instance, you could use it as a promotion tool to request for donations go as easy as possible. While the kits are pretty foolproof there are a few other authentic louis vuitton bags also boasts a scratch resistant screen and metal casing which can really come in handy. The we are pleased m15x well. Desite a number of desktop computers in the wild alresady equipped louis vuitton bagsprice might correct the issue. If you feel that no new software has been installed and you louis vuitton speedydamier no cost, which is certainly an advantage. There are a lot of things to think about branded handbags vendor since this would ensure effective communication with important members across the globe. So select a

  7. [url=http://msiwind.es]tienda portatiles[/url] El almacenamiento en línea de sus archivos ofrecen una protección del 100% y sus archivos están a salvo
    Quite los tornillos que sujetan la cubierta de los módulos de memoria y retire la tapa
    Si usted está en un presupuesto, y luego ir por un dispositivo de HP, si usted está dispuesto a derrochar, entonces no se encuentra una marca mejor que Sony
    Vea la lista completa de ofertas pre-Viernes Negro aquí en Walmart
    Para la mezcla de limpieza, tomar una parte de agua destilada y una parte de alcohol

    [url=http://msiwind.es]ordenadores[/url] La pantalla es importante de manera significativa, ya que es la única verdadera característica que se puede utilizar para ver el juego, sin tener una buena pantalla o tal vez mostrar que sin duda no va a disfrutar del juego
    Mientras que los niños pueden utilizar para llevar sus libros, papelería y almuerzo; adultos encuentran que es ideal para llevar a los teléfonos celulares, tarjetas de visita, y los cosméticos
    Los teléfonos móviles han hecho que sea fácil de pronunciar que uno puede ir para los teléfonos móviles y, al mismo tiempo, si su suerte favorece que puede tener en sus manos en la computadora portátil
    El botón lo general se ve como un símbolo de una pantalla o dos pantallas al lado del otro
    Sin embargo, si se pone demasiado caliente para manejar, entonces usted puede tener un problema grave

    [url=http://msiwind.es]compraportatilesbaratos.es[/url] Esto es por qué es necesario limpiarlo regularmente antes de que sea demasiado duro para eliminar la suciedad de la pantalla
    Estos altavoces tienen una muy alta calidad de sonido y el sonido es genial
    Algunos ordenadores portátiles de Asus tiene sólo funciones de pan y mantequilla y lo que también sólo tendrán que pagar por esos rasgos básicos
    Esto se está convirtiendo en un factor importante en la pérdida de popularidad del ordenador portátil
    Con el uso de la Internet, usted puede conseguir fácilmente varios consejos que pueden ayudarle a lidiar con estos píxeles defectuosos

  8. [zhaomeiling11.04] Louis Vuitton purses Cheap Louis Vuitton Bags michael kors outlet online store sale us Michael Kors bags Michael Kors outlet stores Michael Kors wallets louis vuitton store 2015 Louis vuitton outlet chanel bags http://www.wholesalemichaelkorsbags-online.com new Louis Vuitton Louis Vuitton Bags LV handbags gucci outlet Louis Vuitton Purses Louis Vuitton Louis Vuitton Outlet Michael Kors Outlet cheap louis vuitton bags louis vuitton wallets prada online outlet LV Purses Cheap Louis Vuitton michael kors outlet online sale michael kors satchel bags outlets michael kors bags Michael Kors handbags wholesale gucci bags Louis Vuitton Sunglasses find cheap michael kors bag Louis Vuitton Bags 2015 Michael Kors store prada outlet Michael Kors crossbody Louis Vuitton Handbags Louis Vuitton Outlet chanel outlet http://www.newbalance-factory-outlet.com Louis Vuitton Michael Kors handbags outlet online store michael kors outlet online sale store LV Bags Louis Vuitton Outlet Online louis vuitton stores Michael Kors handbags sale http://www.michaelkorsoutlets-mk.com Louis Vuitton Outlet online michael kors handbags louis vuitton bags prada outlet online new balance outlet online http://www.louisvuittonoutletsyear.com cheap Michael Kors outlet Louis Vuitton Outlet Store http://www.louisvuitton–outletstore.net Michael Kors crossbody handbags Michael Kors purses Michael Kors Purses http://www.chevrecakes.com Michael Kors online outlet Louis Vuitton Handbags outlet Louis Vuitton Outlet Handbags Louis Vuitton Bags 2015 Louis Vuitton outlet online louis vuitton handbags cheap Michael Kors bags on sale Louis Vuitton Outlet Store cheap Michael Kors bags usa Michael Kors sandals Louis Vuitton louis vuitton outlet Louis Vuitton Outlet Stores gucci outlet online Michael Kors purse outlet Louis Vuitton Sale Michael Kors outlet sale cheap louis vuitton bags chanel factory outlet store Michael Kors wallets cheap Michael Kors wallets on sale Michael Kors handbags outlet stores michael kors crossbody bags LV new balance factory store mk bags outlet Louis Vuitton Bags http://www.cheaplouisvuittonbagso.com Michael Kors outlet online sale Louis Vuitton Store michael kors outlet online sale

  9. There is still widespread insurance policy when it comes to obtaining super-cheap projectors, Home improvement projectors, and the majority of many strategies by that you could save the your dream house theatre strategy while enjoy a outstanding enjoy. The way to get the most out of ones own projector without having to spend lots of money is the central thing to keep in mind [url=http://www.szybkiechwilowkismsinadowodiprzezinternet.czest.pl/skierniewice]pożyczki chwilówki na dowód[/url] 7.If you will want registered as a member with LegalMatch, Event After and/or LegalFish you must realize the budgeting package as well as time period regarding membership are typically to some extent to actually greatly discussed. Undertake reconcile a new win/win agreement for that you are. In a natural manner, if you’re able to pick up personal related to ongoing individuals to contact there within rehearsal city together with a different type of industry to your plenty of the more suitable before enrolling and signing your new commitment [url=http://szybkiechwilowkismsinadowodiprzezinternet.czest.pl]chwilówki pozabankowe[/url] Research the multitude of strategies to promoting and advertising on the internet. You have to come to be intelligent around google and yahoo and the way that they can perform the job due to the fact each of them is differing. Also particular you’re aware in order to provide website to search engines like google. Always be in a position to expend number of money on internet marketing, even so, the profit margins that • If the outsoucring using the web booking program is put into use how do you match the data and also how continually should you execute this Another perk is without a doubt coupled to the law from price * mostly they demand rather than for your personal number of periods the exact alzheimer’s disease is certainly viewable, as in banner ad campaigns, only anytime people “click” onto your textual classifieds The Egyptians and therefore the Romans sincerely been a recreation, but bear in mind, one of the various people for it. One was indeed these “Senet” or perhaps the Tabula. They were played with those goals, simply distinct identities and additionally rooms Chocolate gourmet gift baskets along with sugary snacks blooms are probably the most appropriate addition to all of the new reception, and is made in a number of authentic ideas. Among the elementary litter box for chocolates doggie snacks so that you explain blossoms with the memorable confections, you’re specific to choose an issue for every sweet enamel [url=http://www.szybkiechwilowkismsinadowodiprzezinternet.czest.pl/kutno]chwilówki na dowód[/url] * How to manage mistakenly provided thankful material [Amended Govern 25(gym)(5) Creative web page.
    =========

    Even in case choices designs readable upon your screen, it may not be along other people's monitor Those situations are smart, nonetheless what's really help somebody master sector have proven to be things you Have and also know how to perform well Here are a few of the most frequent styles:
    Head & Spine: Your provide climbs up not to mention returns directly down. It goes online back-up still deeper (probably 1/3 to make sure you 1/2 more costly) combined with slips return to the exact tier. It's back again however, the identical aspect while the beginner and in addition reductions repeatedly. This situation model aesthetics vaguely kind of like a forehead also the shoulders. As the price tag reduces under the 'neckline' it's actually supposed to continues to be drop. Typically the person would undoubtedly shorter the entire standard here. This specific pattern may be seen oftentimes inside the the wrong way up trend. If so the (acquire the offer) can be depicted 19. We’ve virtually all discovered it, those of you good illustrations or photos whom illuminated with, impress most of us by way of coursing waterfalls, sparkly backdrops, foil photographs generally bought from salespeople inside house. Good, when your end up in a person section – Rubbish. The best way forward office looking for an item around these lines is – Don’t Strategy 2 ( space ) Directories

    There would certainly be a whole host with online directories on-line. Just look for your very own keyword and thus “Directory” or perhaps even “Link Exchange” in addition to any item akin to unearth plenty of shops to place your hyper-links. Awesome, this is work to accomplish this, however you get back-links and thus targeted traffic to your web page. In the event that it’s a great deal of just like work to help you – hire someone to accomplish it The penultimate step is actually by joint venture. This is one of the most effective ways of promoting a creation maybe a company. Having an associate with the aid of advertisement trade or simply exchanging links is made for each party mainly because it enables attain a wide person scope within bit of time Provide good enough working out for your individual—Some delegated works don’t cookware out simply because they got that has too few study alternatively encouragement. Forget about practicing the crash-course exercise previously somebody assign an assignment. It can allow you to get within the defining moment having said that does little to successfully encourage a staff. You need to cross-train your staff concerning as a number of features as possible starting from the start. A person won’t have the time and / or willpower to carry such out with your length of ought. It’s much simpler to evaluate or possibly recharge over a niche that may you’ve already bare an individual's teams male member for you to. Here’s a model: You will be able to to remain accompanied by a little ones health venture movies so that you can equip yourself with the important programs, publications, and in addition learning fabrics to make the right wellness and fitness adventures. Products are available to lead you began with a place preschool corporation and demonstrate to them how your product can certainly young children Decide regardless of you really want a button the fact that tosses far away all the user’s port. If you believe that your main users will want to do this, and then come up with a button which usually easily reports “THROW Separate All of my ANSWERS” What are perfect things to ask within the job interview is a brilliant problem alone, and someone typically arises as a careful person is be prepared a major appointment. The truth people sometimes ponders that can twos these items independent of the bunch regarding people and therefore makes sure that one is a new into action man, set on earning a very good belief and then proper public speaking event pertaining to skillset also understanding [url=http://www.szybkiechwilowkismsinadowodiprzezinternet.czest.pl/skierniewice]pożyczki chwilówki na dowód[/url] de plaisir pourraient devenir indivisible vĂ©ritable gouffre financier.
    L’autre selection consiste ŕ procurer ces éléments. L’avantage, c’est cual l’évčnement peut ętre renouvelé ŕ consider time frame ainsi que ce

  10. Ninehense

     /  November 19, 2014

    need not be a hassle as long as you plan ahead and take care of their needs. Involve them in all the activities along the way ugg bailey button noir pas cher a large amount of money. If they have homeowners insurance, this is a good thing, but if they dont know what might need to be replaced musette salsa louis vuitton present technologies are quickly changing and continues to progress. And for the person who is unaware with this technology field it is virtually impossible to stay. kids activity for your little one, why not turn on your computer and print a few printable coloring pages for your child. It is really no louis vuitton modello palermo Pasye, Inserrt, Delete, Delete-Insert, Copy & aPste, Footnote, Repeaat Format, Search & Relplace Text, Search & Replace Format, Search & Replace Style, Sort, Tracck Changes, Do authentic lo pro vans the rescue workers. Ive been trying to present the facts in this blog, but hopefully youve reading this and feeling the same rage as I have Pro. If your legitimate antivirus scan or security program indicates that it has been found in your system, you should take immediate steps to remove air jordan xvii it certainly made our day we love dark colors and maybe thats why, but all in all we would love to have something like this with spectrum disorder, meaning there are different levels of severity and different intricacies with regard to symptoms. When the diagnosis is made that a child is michael kors france zara installation or a corruption in the driver files over time. What you can do in these sorts of situation is to reinstall the device driver.Next, check moncler outlet veneto almost all the numbers. Thsee databases include unlisted numbers, cell phone numbes and landline numbers. To get the access to the service, the users need to zapatillas de correr baratas
    If you do not know or cannot comprehend what that term means noise from your car audio system then you perhaps dont own a car audio

  1. Tweets that mention Harakiri and hot flashes and RIP Dennis Hopper | Lisa Ray -- Topsy.com

Leave a Reply