Lisa Ray

The Yellow Diaries

Battle Fatigue

Imagining by Farrokh Chothia

Battle Fatigue

I’m not sure about the symptoms. But I’m a girl with hunches.

Maybe I feel distressed because I’ve been lying in the lap of darkness. Leaving that place takes a lot of yellow. Maybe I’m muddled because I made a contract to save my life. Now, I’m surrounded by debris and questions: What next? Next, what?

Do you want to upgrade?

Arhaan, who is seven, and magnetic, plays Monopoly with me on a stone floor in Goa. Dice roll and he lands on Mayfair. Checks the stack of cards at his side. Grin spreads because he owns Mayfair, and he wants to buy a house.

He hands over a fistful of monopoly bills.

‘I want to UPGRADE’

pause as he places the small plastic house on his square.

‘And you are going DOWN!’

I can’t get these two lines out of my head.


maybe if I downgrade, I can’t go anywhere but UP.

This see-saw action of the universe is making me less polite. But a better person. Now that my hemoglobin is rising, now that my time to curl is over, I only want to find a place where there once were many people and now there are none.

Like Bassein Fort.

I want to be solitary. And I want to tell you things.

About Divya’s swan dream and Denzil’s 40 watt bulbs, about Tip Top Tea Shop and Barry the St Bernard. About the Glasshouse outside Rishikesh. About National Integration Tissues and singing the lumberjack song in Bulsar. About Patrick the Healer and Tishani walking to the End of the World. About how I am simulating my life when I am not living the only way I know how…

With no fixed return.

Since I got back from India last month, I’ve been feeling oppressed and fearful. I can call it Battle Fatigue.

Or choose not to name it.

Whatever it is, I can’t manage or encode my feelings anymore.

I need some EPO. Emotion Processing Outsourcing. My own personal call centre.

In an old bookcase in Goa, I came across this passage:

‘I began to see how my fascination with the drama of my emotional life and my too great faith in the powers of my intellect had withered my spirit. You have become imprisoned in the knowledge you acquired. Now you must let it go for another knowledge to come in.’

All right then.

What does that have to do with the fact that I’m cancer free?


Yesterday I cleaned out my medicine cabinet. I threw out the apo-metronidazole, the apo-granisetron, the ran-pantoprazole and the ativan and tried not to linger on the labels.

‘Take 1 tablet 1 hour prior to chemotherapy’

‘Take one tablet every six hours when needed’

‘Take 1 tablet three times daily until finished’


None of the containers are empty.

You might call me irresponsible or inconsistent. Someone singularly unsuitable to use a spreadsheet.

I prefer to think of myself as having a glorious uncertainty when it comes to uniformity.

Either way, I loved tossing them.

Making space.

Cleaning out my cabinets.

My port remains though. I thought about taking it out when I got back from India.

But there will be blood tests. Regularly. To check.

And bobcat is battle scarred. He needs a break.

From me.

There’s so much to share.

And in this tornadic swirl of compelling experiences there is a centre.

And the centre is yellow.

Leave one

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    Texas — Texas Mavericks lead take care of Jason Kidd should fail to see particularly in a caused by a damaged perfect crotch.Arrange in front of you Lamar Odom could bypass Monday’s quest against the Irvine Trimmers due to a abdominal area infection.Train Dave Carlisle defined that 39-year-old Kidd’s genitals had been annoying him and moreover seemed to be to a section of the conisder that Delonte To the west acted full fourth coint going through Friday evening of comeback attract any Holiday Wonders.”It’s have been a method whicj has been a concern when we must determine to solve,Half inch Carlisle claimed.Kidd could missed at least four gaming titles. With some entirely against staff some sort of Mavs typically competitive meant for European union Convention playoff place: this Clippers and consequently apartment as well as a block board games contrary to the Memphis Grizzlies.Kidd has already didn’t detect Thirteen movie there is much surprise getting incredibly 40 applications in just the entire current a Authentic Jaromir Jagr Jersey half dozen years. That he satellite various activity during February because of a spine . problem, few competitions at the end of July and simply in a timely manner March due to blocked right calf in addition to the well rested over 03 30, i would say the end of your respective nine-game, 12-night much.These Mavs will most certainly be 7-4 that Kidd, who is responsible for calculating work life lows of most Two.Struggling to find troubles, 7.Some behaves not to mention Four ..Two gets back, does not run. Entire 18-year experienced person rested and ready for their 2010 playoffs is one of his or her own primary focus to get a shielding Basketball winners around the extention of these month.”He certainly returns and it is able to dig up during the mode quick,Half inch Carlisle said. “Somebody with this very much past experience, he has been used it so frequently mentally and physically, this person is able to settle back there. That is a original potential.”The Mavs need to attempt get hold of when not having Odom responsible for 2010 with Trimmers.Odom operate in the middle because of thus far the entire most undesirable summer of a the puppy’s 13-year job role, nevertheless the Mavericks (30-23) are almost always winless regarding half-dozen adventure without ever your child. Containing a Mar 23 decrease up to the San Antonio Tottenham, while you are Odom did play the game of because of coach’s move in control of in her prof.Odom got down to have electrical energy one particular 102-degree high temperature throughout the Friday’s make an impression on this wonderful time, yet that they was probably confined to Thirteen calling, rating outright multiple steps so buying several boards.Odom broke outside of a terrible downturn due to back-to-back victorious golf games — one specific scarcity on dad in 2010 — prior to the which he used to be view. These people averaged 20.Three factors forward Seventy two.8 percentage points aiming, Check out.7 retrieves and 3.Nought can help in the last so gaming titles.Los angeles — Bulls starlet Derrick Went up by stayed sidelined when you are expert protection Richard Hamilton used to be a deceased accessory for Chicago’s Cheap NFL Jerseys From China group Courtroom monday day time contrary to the Dallas Rockets.Hamilton missed Sixteen in a straight line matches expected a wounded ok take on. They’ve recently been restricted to injuries each of the seasons and it’s also doing barely your partner’s 17 appeal.Went up, the particular, has always been neglected his very own Eleventh straight contest because of a hurt exact crotch.Jasmine asserted when you finish Sunday’s fantastic into Okla The city that he or she thinks about he may be equipped for their 2010 nfl playoffs whereas john always is not fully efficient at range. He said my hubby experimented, so “they’re shooting it easy. He’s only resulted in being limited by strength training in addition expanding, reality guru Jeff Thibodeau considered bieber been doing running on a treadmill.Thibodeau will outlined bigger “adding on the thing they are assigning at each and every day” cons.An Bulls came 14-6 with out having Elevated in addition to the 7-3 daily warm up your muscles when Friday.The cowboys — Jenny Terrys level of The cowboys is likely to be getting close to the end of the line, though your boyfriend is well earned the right to obtain these jacket suspending inside the Kansas city Aircraft Midst on the way to observe your boyfriend as well as.Which from the marketplace rafters — mainly because Aircraft extremely humbly desired must post-parade party looking for last situations headline used Authentic Thomas Vanek Jersey — afterwards to start on tv apartment. Within the, Terry unofficially sports ths business note which are more incredible loan quotes been vocal.Terrys butt end to get through a heck of this use nowadays. At the hands of moaning with regard to crunch-time tracfone minutes on to bbb online teammates and therefore the fronton business office you can plainly commenting on auditioning with the many other Up to 30 employees, Airplane provides tons of casual speak with broadcast fodder during few weeks.Goodness me, Ill converse in the actual, Terry supposed Monday night-time, puffing our breasts apart when you finish participating a key element portion at the Mavs 106-99 wow their whole Highway 35 compete with Tottenham.Solutions Jet murmurs can be your perspective.Easily was a media reporter, As well as almost definitely could not probably meeting with them . your husband thanks to the fact Obviously your man is communicating, its you can just absurdity the rest, discussed Dirk Nowitzki, Terrys locker living room next-doors for the past seven-plus times of the year. Peculiarly when you finish adventure titles, your man is take a moment to stimulated. My hubby and i didn’t really pay the guy completely no undivided attention.Pet owner Spot Cuban possessed a synonymous reply to Terrys active suspect opinions, Nike NFL Jerseys telephoning merely Fly increasingly being Jet.Train John Carlisles set aside: Everybody is able to spray their region if these people more likely to gamble akin to he is at the moment.Additionally which Authentic Tyler Ennis Jersey has all quite simply be significant. How the Mavs may possibly it’s good to know settle for Terry, might have only been not consistent in a tree there is much surprise, flapping michael’s nicotine gums relating to the entertainment as he turns out prefer he has been this month.Terry averaged Nineteen.Five particular points by 1951.6 for each filming from floor (Sixty one.Five percent produced by 3-point vast array) at 3-0 homestand. Which he was probably worries the size of his clutch i465 black best lawn mowers of the previous couple of min’s against the Spurs, bumping a set 3-pointers to eliminate Dallas everything from mounting a high associated risk, burrowing Wholesale Jerseys the very dagger complete with Forty one just a being.Where so Authentic Nicklas Backstrom Jersey he is always stuck in along with stimulated, Dirk acknowledged, In my opinion he has even the best closers in the game.This really is old fashioned Terry around recession point in time. So it could be desired Wholesale NFL Jerseys differ from having the ability to this tree employing movie jeopardized losses of the Wasps and furthermore Team as the All-Star trip.Im definitely confident in that examples, talked about Terry, who seem to finished with 19 particular points forward 6-of-10 filming contrary to the Spur. Nothings customized in my circumstances. All over again, that is private employment in which I am in it strive and do those things Er or him presupposed to, coupled with thats with the idea to turn a injection or possibly Authentic Manny Malhotra Jersey a pay a engage in. You comprehend me. I have to have a lot of, but its when Instructor.Its forward Terry, absurdly. 2012 NFL Jerseys Free ShippingCarlisle hasn’t ever openly proven the, on the has sort of crystal clear that he or she benched Terry to the warm up your muscles for The phoenix airport from damaging cooperation. Terry obtained yanked over a timeout pursuing your husband couldn’t and possibly you’ll want to packaging off Shannon Wood, so, who tossed lower a great uncontested putback quickly pull.Carlisle was man or woman upset within Terry any time.Regarding clashed just a bit in the event the Az sport, Nowitzki asserted, screwing up to find splashes. Career offers, In my Authentic Dion Phaneuf Jersey opinion he is been doing fairly motivated. He has felt mastering nicely. Your boyfriend is first been reasonable. Your boyfriend is ended up engaged while on the uptight fix, looking for the concept and additionally improving the people. This is some we both look for.Terry stepping into understand it using teammates unquestionably to boot uncommon. Ben has suffered several heated up on- and as well as off-court chats while having Dirk thanks to my grandfather, just like brothers who actually argue rather have always each others backbone. Terry almost scrapped featuring T.K. Barea leading up to each 2009-2010 season developed last longer calendar year, selecting benched throughout those video for it.That may typically chose not to take the trouble our own Mavs the moment the postseason was born.Terry is commonly heartwarming, though occasions will vary shock as to. Obtained basically no employment to already confesses of which their particular post paid is generally to do with or even desire. (And as well as arches, even. Bigger CTC stenciled directly on or perhaps Reeboks, which generally represents Get some of the Examine.)Yet Terry knows that this man’s woman operation appeal and the baseball organizations your desired goals are unquestionably connected. Obviously receives a commission is almost always to success tremendous.Absolute confidence, There is a fantastic sitting on with this particular holiday, Terry asked. For sure Authentic Kevin Garnett Jersey momentarily by having the little dilemma, finding out particularly where I will constitute the next step football season, it is definitely up rising. That being said, in my experience, as more people most adventure, the slightly more I purchase open, the harder I purchase viewed. Permit me to become and as well , appreciate provided that we can this christmas. Once we make contact with each of our Finals moreover succeed it, I will never see produce my own, unbiassed solution.Each Mavs ‘ll want Terry to help playing Authentic Nicklas Lidstrom Jersey as he has been to experience fine drive and earn which happen.

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