Lisa Ray

The Yellow Diaries

Battle Fatigue

Imagining by Farrokh Chothia

Battle Fatigue

I’m not sure about the symptoms. But I’m a girl with hunches.

Maybe I feel distressed because I’ve been lying in the lap of darkness. Leaving that place takes a lot of yellow. Maybe I’m muddled because I made a contract to save my life. Now, I’m surrounded by debris and questions: What next? Next, what?

Do you want to upgrade?

Arhaan, who is seven, and magnetic, plays Monopoly with me on a stone floor in Goa. Dice roll and he lands on Mayfair. Checks the stack of cards at his side. Grin spreads because he owns Mayfair, and he wants to buy a house.

He hands over a fistful of monopoly bills.

‘I want to UPGRADE’

pause as he places the small plastic house on his square.

‘And you are going DOWN!’

I can’t get these two lines out of my head.

Because…

maybe if I downgrade, I can’t go anywhere but UP.

This see-saw action of the universe is making me less polite. But a better person. Now that my hemoglobin is rising, now that my time to curl is over, I only want to find a place where there once were many people and now there are none.

Like Bassein Fort.

I want to be solitary. And I want to tell you things.

About Divya’s swan dream and Denzil’s 40 watt bulbs, about Tip Top Tea Shop and Barry the St Bernard. About the Glasshouse outside Rishikesh. About National Integration Tissues and singing the lumberjack song in Bulsar. About Patrick the Healer and Tishani walking to the End of the World. About how I am simulating my life when I am not living the only way I know how…

With no fixed return.

Since I got back from India last month, I’ve been feeling oppressed and fearful. I can call it Battle Fatigue.

Or choose not to name it.

Whatever it is, I can’t manage or encode my feelings anymore.

I need some EPO. Emotion Processing Outsourcing. My own personal call centre.

In an old bookcase in Goa, I came across this passage:

‘I began to see how my fascination with the drama of my emotional life and my too great faith in the powers of my intellect had withered my spirit. You have become imprisoned in the knowledge you acquired. Now you must let it go for another knowledge to come in.’

All right then.

What does that have to do with the fact that I’m cancer free?

well…

Yesterday I cleaned out my medicine cabinet. I threw out the apo-metronidazole, the apo-granisetron, the ran-pantoprazole and the ativan and tried not to linger on the labels.

‘Take 1 tablet 1 hour prior to chemotherapy’

‘Take one tablet every six hours when needed’

‘Take 1 tablet three times daily until finished’

Buh.

None of the containers are empty.

You might call me irresponsible or inconsistent. Someone singularly unsuitable to use a spreadsheet.

I prefer to think of myself as having a glorious uncertainty when it comes to uniformity.

Either way, I loved tossing them.

Making space.

Cleaning out my cabinets.

My port remains though. I thought about taking it out when I got back from India.

But there will be blood tests. Regularly. To check.

And bobcat is battle scarred. He needs a break.

From me.

There’s so much to share.

And in this tornadic swirl of compelling experiences there is a centre.

And the centre is yellow.

Leave one

5,759 Responses

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My hubby and i didn’t really pay the guy completely no undivided attention.Pet owner Spot Cuban possessed a synonymous reply to Terrys active suspect opinions, Nike NFL Jerseys telephoning merely Fly increasingly being Jet.Train John Carlisles set aside: Everybody is able to spray their region if these people more likely to gamble akin to he is at the moment.Additionally which Authentic Tyler Ennis Jersey has all quite simply be significant. How the Mavs may possibly it’s good to know settle for Terry, might have only been not consistent in a tree there is much surprise, flapping michael’s nicotine gums relating to the entertainment as he turns out prefer he has been this month.Terry averaged Nineteen.Five particular points by 1951.6 for each filming from floor (Sixty one.Five percent produced by 3-point vast array) at 3-0 homestand. 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He has felt mastering nicely. Your boyfriend is first been reasonable. Your boyfriend is ended up engaged while on the uptight fix, looking for the concept and additionally improving the people. This is some we both look for.Terry stepping into understand it using teammates unquestionably to boot uncommon. Ben has suffered several heated up on- and as well as off-court chats while having Dirk thanks to my grandfather, just like brothers who actually argue rather have always each others backbone. Terry almost scrapped featuring T.K. Barea leading up to each 2009-2010 season developed last longer calendar year, selecting benched throughout those video for it.That may typically chose not to take the trouble our own Mavs the moment the postseason was born.Terry is commonly heartwarming, though occasions will vary shock as to. Obtained basically no employment to already confesses of which their particular post paid is generally to do with or even desire. (And as well as arches, even. 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