Lisa Ray

The Yellow Diaries

Battle Fatigue

Imagining by Farrokh Chothia

Battle Fatigue

I’m not sure about the symptoms. But I’m a girl with hunches.

Maybe I feel distressed because I’ve been lying in the lap of darkness. Leaving that place takes a lot of yellow. Maybe I’m muddled because I made a contract to save my life. Now, I’m surrounded by debris and questions: What next? Next, what?

Do you want to upgrade?

Arhaan, who is seven, and magnetic, plays Monopoly with me on a stone floor in Goa. Dice roll and he lands on Mayfair. Checks the stack of cards at his side. Grin spreads because he owns Mayfair, and he wants to buy a house.

He hands over a fistful of monopoly bills.

‘I want to UPGRADE’

pause as he places the small plastic house on his square.

‘And you are going DOWN!’

I can’t get these two lines out of my head.

Because…

maybe if I downgrade, I can’t go anywhere but UP.

This see-saw action of the universe is making me less polite. But a better person. Now that my hemoglobin is rising, now that my time to curl is over, I only want to find a place where there once were many people and now there are none.

Like Bassein Fort.

I want to be solitary. And I want to tell you things.

About Divya’s swan dream and Denzil’s 40 watt bulbs, about Tip Top Tea Shop and Barry the St Bernard. About the Glasshouse outside Rishikesh. About National Integration Tissues and singing the lumberjack song in Bulsar. About Patrick the Healer and Tishani walking to the End of the World. About how I am simulating my life when I am not living the only way I know how…

With no fixed return.

Since I got back from India last month, I’ve been feeling oppressed and fearful. I can call it Battle Fatigue.

Or choose not to name it.

Whatever it is, I can’t manage or encode my feelings anymore.

I need some EPO. Emotion Processing Outsourcing. My own personal call centre.

In an old bookcase in Goa, I came across this passage:

‘I began to see how my fascination with the drama of my emotional life and my too great faith in the powers of my intellect had withered my spirit. You have become imprisoned in the knowledge you acquired. Now you must let it go for another knowledge to come in.’

All right then.

What does that have to do with the fact that I’m cancer free?

well…

Yesterday I cleaned out my medicine cabinet. I threw out the apo-metronidazole, the apo-granisetron, the ran-pantoprazole and the ativan and tried not to linger on the labels.

‘Take 1 tablet 1 hour prior to chemotherapy’

‘Take one tablet every six hours when needed’

‘Take 1 tablet three times daily until finished’

Buh.

None of the containers are empty.

You might call me irresponsible or inconsistent. Someone singularly unsuitable to use a spreadsheet.

I prefer to think of myself as having a glorious uncertainty when it comes to uniformity.

Either way, I loved tossing them.

Making space.

Cleaning out my cabinets.

My port remains though. I thought about taking it out when I got back from India.

But there will be blood tests. Regularly. To check.

And bobcat is battle scarred. He needs a break.

From me.

There’s so much to share.

And in this tornadic swirl of compelling experiences there is a centre.

And the centre is yellow.

Leave one

11,113 Responses

  1. payday loans payday payday loans online payday loan

  2. loans with no credit check cash loan advance cash loans no credit check payday loans no credit check

  3. cheap full coverage auto insurance buy car insurance online cheap insurance cheap insurance

  4. chaturbate mature chat lines hot cams hotcams

  5. teen webcams webcams mongo chat camzap

  6. fast payday easy payday loans loans no bank account payday loan fast

  7. online payday loans no credit check online payday payday loans online payday loans online

  8. online loan application loan application online apply for loan apply for loan

  9. easy cash payday loan payday loans online no credit check personal loans no credit check payday loans no credit check

  10. car insurance quote auto insurance allstate insurance claims auto insurance quote

  11. sex chat live sex cams free sex cams sex cams

  12. need cash now cash loans online need cash now cash now

  13. cover letters cover letters cover letters good cover letter

  14. mature cams bbw cam cams cams

  15. online loan application nevada payday loans loan application loan application

  16. need a loan with bad credit easy payday loans native american loans fast payday

  17. bad credit personal loans guaranteed approval bad credit installment loans guaranteed bad credit loans guaranteed approval loans for anyone

  18. texas payday loan lenders cash lenders quick payday loans

  19. payday advance loan money lender installment loans direct lenders first payday loan

  20. sex cams sex cams webcam sex webcam sex

  21. get a loan get a loan online apply for a loan loan online

  22. lenders lenders lenders lenders

  23. fast cash advance quick cash loans no credit check cash loans no credit check payday cash

  24. cash loans no credit check money loan best pay day loans direct lenders payday loans

  25. payday loans online payday loans online payday loans online loans for bad credit

  26. cheap car insurance in michigan cheap full coverage auto insurance cheap insurance cheap insurance

  27. get multiple auto insurance quotes auto insurance quotes comparison get multiple auto insurance quotes cheap auto insurance quotes online

  28. direct lender loans online loans payday loan online click here

  29. no fax payday loan payday loans no fax payday loan faxless payday loan

  30. personal loans 100 approval payday loans louisiana lenders lenders

  31. get multiple auto insurance quotes auto insurance comparison cheap auto insurance quotes online gocompare car insurance

  32. sexcam amateur cams teen cams cams

  33. maturecam nude web cams porn live chat nude webcams

  34. advance cash loan bad credit loans direct lenders get a loan without a job advance cash

  35. cash loans online cash now payday loan online no fax get cash now

  36. automobile insurance compare auto insurance cheapest auto insurance companies compare car insurance

  37. free adult webcam teencams sexcam webcam

Leave a Reply