Lisa Ray

The Yellow Diaries

Battle Fatigue

Imagining by Farrokh Chothia

Battle Fatigue

I’m not sure about the symptoms. But I’m a girl with hunches.

Maybe I feel distressed because I’ve been lying in the lap of darkness. Leaving that place takes a lot of yellow. Maybe I’m muddled because I made a contract to save my life. Now, I’m surrounded by debris and questions: What next? Next, what?

Do you want to upgrade?

Arhaan, who is seven, and magnetic, plays Monopoly with me on a stone floor in Goa. Dice roll and he lands on Mayfair. Checks the stack of cards at his side. Grin spreads because he owns Mayfair, and he wants to buy a house.

He hands over a fistful of monopoly bills.

‘I want to UPGRADE’

pause as he places the small plastic house on his square.

‘And you are going DOWN!’

I can’t get these two lines out of my head.


maybe if I downgrade, I can’t go anywhere but UP.

This see-saw action of the universe is making me less polite. But a better person. Now that my hemoglobin is rising, now that my time to curl is over, I only want to find a place where there once were many people and now there are none.

Like Bassein Fort.

I want to be solitary. And I want to tell you things.

About Divya’s swan dream and Denzil’s 40 watt bulbs, about Tip Top Tea Shop and Barry the St Bernard. About the Glasshouse outside Rishikesh. About National Integration Tissues and singing the lumberjack song in Bulsar. About Patrick the Healer and Tishani walking to the End of the World. About how I am simulating my life when I am not living the only way I know how…

With no fixed return.

Since I got back from India last month, I’ve been feeling oppressed and fearful. I can call it Battle Fatigue.

Or choose not to name it.

Whatever it is, I can’t manage or encode my feelings anymore.

I need some EPO. Emotion Processing Outsourcing. My own personal call centre.

In an old bookcase in Goa, I came across this passage:

‘I began to see how my fascination with the drama of my emotional life and my too great faith in the powers of my intellect had withered my spirit. You have become imprisoned in the knowledge you acquired. Now you must let it go for another knowledge to come in.’

All right then.

What does that have to do with the fact that I’m cancer free?


Yesterday I cleaned out my medicine cabinet. I threw out the apo-metronidazole, the apo-granisetron, the ran-pantoprazole and the ativan and tried not to linger on the labels.

‘Take 1 tablet 1 hour prior to chemotherapy’

‘Take one tablet every six hours when needed’

‘Take 1 tablet three times daily until finished’


None of the containers are empty.

You might call me irresponsible or inconsistent. Someone singularly unsuitable to use a spreadsheet.

I prefer to think of myself as having a glorious uncertainty when it comes to uniformity.

Either way, I loved tossing them.

Making space.

Cleaning out my cabinets.

My port remains though. I thought about taking it out when I got back from India.

But there will be blood tests. Regularly. To check.

And bobcat is battle scarred. He needs a break.

From me.

There’s so much to share.

And in this tornadic swirl of compelling experiences there is a centre.

And the centre is yellow.

Leave one

11,062 Responses

  1. Amazing! This blog looks just like my old one! It’s on a totally
    different subject but it has pretty much the same page layout and design. Great choice of colors!

  2. Hi there to aⅼl, tҺе contentѕ present ɑt
    thos web site aree гeally amazing for people experience,
    ԝell, keep up tthe nice worҝ fellows.

  3. I loved as much as you’ll receive carried out right here.
    The sketch is tasteful, your authored material stylish.

    nonetheless, you command get bought an edginess over that you wish
    be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come
    further formerly again since exactly the same nearly very often inside case
    you shield this hike.

  4. Amazing! This blog looks just like my old one! It’s on a totally

  5. It’s appropriate time to make some plans for the future and it’s time
    to be happy. I have read this post and if I could I desire to suggest you some
    interesting things or advice. Perhaps you can write next articles referring to this article.
    I want to read even more things about it!

  6. Good day! This is kind of off topic but I need some guidance
    from an established blog. Is it difficult to set up your own blog?
    I’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty quick.
    I’m thinking about creating my own but I’m not sure where to
    start. Do you have any tips or suggestions?

  7. Wonderful website you have here but I was curious if you knew of any community forums that cover the
    same topics discussed here? I’d really like to be a part of
    community where I can get suggestions from other knowledgeable people that share the same interest.

    If you have any recommendations, please let me know. Cheers!

  8. Creative USB Touch Sensor Desk Lamp Night Light with Speaker Music Player ( 14.77 $)
    Creative USB Touch Sensor Desk Lamp Night Light with Speaker Music Player …


    Aukey 36w dual usb port travel wall charger with qualcomm quick charge 3.0 for motorola nexus 6 and more smartphone ( 24.99 $)
    Original ASUS Zenfone Pegasus 3 X008 32GB16GB ROM 5.2 ( 238.45 $)
    Chispaulo women genuine leather handbags designer handbags high quality women’s shoulder bags lady messenger crossbody bags x39 ( 38.46 $)
    3pcslot imieye 720p 1.0 megapixel wireless ip camera wifi onvif p2p plugplay ir night vision support 64g sd card baby monitor ( 127.92 $)
    Newest Environmental Carbon Fiber Case For iPhone 6 6S Plus Soft Anti-Skid Anti-Knock Cover For iPhone 7 Plus Leather Skin Bag ( 4.86 $)
    Ograff women messenger bag luxury handbags high quality women bag designer purses and handbag crossbody bags clutch famous brand ( 65.23 $)
    Junsun 7 inch android car dvr gps radar dash camera video recorder 16gb rear view truck gps navigation fm avin wifi sat nav ( 171.81 $)
    Chispaulo brand designer lady real cow women genuine leather handbags fashion women’s shoulder bags for women messenger bags x12 ( 269.00 $)
    Cnsunnylight h4 hb2 9003 hilo led high power 40w 4000lm 3000k 4300k 6000k strong bright car headlight fog light conversion kit ( 55.88 $)
    Indian straight virgin hair 4 bundle deals 7a grade indian virgin hair straight human hair weave sale raw indian hair bundles 1b ( 73.03 $)
    V Neck Long Sleeve Waisted Mini Dress ( 73.36 $)
    Fashion alligator leather women handbags famous designer brand bags luxury ladies hand bags and purses messenger shoulder bags ( 39.98 $)
    Plus size women hoodies & sweatshirts winter thickening warm cotton fashion female cat print big size casual turtleneck dress ( 32.80 $)
    3.1a motorcycle 2 in 1 dual usb port phone charger and red led voltmeter with waterproof cover free shipping ( 13.86 $)
    Gradient FuchsiaCoral Wool and Cashmere Stole ( 60.00 $)

  9. [url=]purchase albuterol inhaler[/url] [url=]seroquel generic[/url] [url=]ditropan[/url] [url=]clonidine[/url] [url=]buy kamagra oral jelly[/url] [url=]tretinoin cream 0.05[/url] [url=]arimidex[/url] [url=]60 mg cymbalta[/url]

  10. [url=]ventolin with out prescription[/url] [url=]bentyl[/url] [url=]buy aldactone[/url] [url=]buy apcalis[/url] [url=]tretinoin cream 025[/url] [url=]elimite[/url] [url=]augmentin antibiotic[/url]

  11. [url=]generic cymbalta online[/url] [url=]buy crestor[/url] [url=]lisinopril prices[/url] [url=]prednisone[/url] [url=]atenolol drug[/url] [url=]your domain name[/url] [url=]rulide[/url]

  12. Лыжный костюм. Цена 6 778 р.
    Комментарий службы поддержки : Параметры изделия: S – обхват груди 118 см, длина рукава 78 см, длина 67 см, длина брюк 101 см, обхват талии 76-83 см, подходит на рост 165-172 см, на вес 45-60 кг; M – обхват груди 122 см…


    Fonmor 2016 New Men’s bags Cowhide Leather Shoulder Bag Multiple Zipper Leisure Bag Man Cross body Travel bags ( 39.81 $)
    Skateboard Tool $3.02
    8a full frontal lace closure 13×4 with bundles straight peruvian virgin hair with closure cheap ear to ear lace frontal closure ( 32.00 $)
    2 Pcs Easy-using Sexy Lip Kiss Bathroom Tube Dispenser Toothpaste Cream Squeezer Free Shipping ( 0.59 $)
    Two Fingers Bronze Ring w3 Laps Snake ( 175.00 $)
    Free gift blackview a8 smartphone mtk6580 5.0 inch ips hd quad core android 5.1 mobile phone 1gb ram 8gb rom 8mp 3g cell phone ( 59.99 $)
    Super bright car headlights h7 led h8h11 hb39005 hb49006 h1 70w 7000lm auto front bulb automobile headlamp 6000k car lighting ( 49.99 $)
    20Pcs Super Large Pumpkin Seeds Vegetable NON-GMO Edible DIY home garden bonsai Giant pumpkin seed gift for Halloween fun plants ( 0.99 $)
    New kerui g19 pet against pir infrared security motion movement siren sensor detector home smart alarm system ( 113.99 $)
    Tibetan Plating Metal Alloy Hollow Lily Connectors Chandelier Component Findings Fit DIY Jewelry Making 20pcslot 3036mm 7082 ( 4.46 $)
    amethyst cross finger ring for lady paved cz zircon luxury hot Princess women Wedding Engagement Ring purple pink color jewelry ( 2.36 $)
    1a Prima Classe – Geo Printed Heart Shoulder Bag ( 155.00 $)
    Dioufond New Floral Long Sleeve Vintage Blouse Cherry Turn Down Collar Shirt Blusas Feminino Ladies Blouses Womens Tops Fashion ( 10.17 $)
    Money box people face to eat money piggy bank saving money creative gift for kids friends 3 colors home decoration accessories ( 10.89 $)
    Jabbah 872S Leopard Print Acetate Cat Eye Womens Sunglasses ( 180.00 $)

  13. [url=]cytotec[/url] [url=]cymbalta[/url] [url=]avana[/url] [url=]citalopram[/url]

  14. [url=]chloromycetin[/url] [url=]buy indocin[/url] [url=]buy baclofen[/url] [url=]prednisone on line[/url] [url=]citalopram 40 mg[/url] [url=]shatavari for fertility[/url]

  15. [url=]generic crestor canada[/url] [url=]seroquel[/url] [url=]medication nexium[/url] [url=]buy ciprofloxacin online cheap without a prescription[/url] [url=]nexium[/url] [url=]buy elimite[/url] [url=]zoloft[/url]

  16. [url=]buy zetia[/url] [url=]avodart online[/url] [url=]cymbalta[/url] [url=]nexium 40mg[/url]

  17. Тканевые сумки. Цена 1 031 р.
    Складная : Да…


    8GB Ram+128GB SSD+1000GB HDD Ultrathin Quad Core J1900 Fast Running Windows10 system Laptop Notebook Computer, free shipping ( 399.00 $)
    Plaid Wool Blend Fur Collar Coat ( 98.92 $)
    Solid Blue Cashmere Tie ( 78.00 $)
    Famous brand ladies hand bags women pu leather bag brown medium shoulder bags 2016 autumn sacs new fashion messenger bags frauen ( 37.33 $)
    Famous Brand Women Leather Handbag Women’s Trunk bolsos Quality Messenger Bags Single Shoulder Bag Sac A Main Femme De Marque ( 43.00 $)
    Original Unlocked Sony Xperia Z Ultra XL39h Android Quad-Cor 16GB ROM C6802 C6833 GSM 3G&4G 6.4 inch 8MP WIFI Refurbished Phone ( 331.00 $)
    Bicycle bell horn Bike Ordinary Bell Bike Bell mountain Road Bike Horn Cycling Bell Bicycle Accessories free shipping BB0302 ( 0.79 $)
    Gym Women Yoga Clothing Sports Pants Legging Tights Workout Sport Fitness Bodybuilding And Clothes Running Leggings For Female ( 19.85 $)
    ZS patent leather PU passport bags ID Travel Passport Holder Passport Cover Card Passport Case ( 4.50 $)
    Santic cycling gloves spring autumn black gel windproof full finger 5c09046 ( 35.99 $)
    Jj airsoft acog style 4×32 scope with docter mini red dot light sensorqd mount (black) free shipping ( 106.19 $)
    BL – 02 Multifunctional Home Theater LCD Projector ( 2600 LM 800 x 480 Pixels ) Support 1080P ( AC 110 – 240V ) ( 151.60 $)
    8A Mink Brazilian Virgin Hair Straight 4 Bundles Queen Hair Products Unprocessed Brazilian Straight Human Hair Weave Bundles ( 73.50 $)
    Luggage double-shoulder professional valiz camouflage mountaineering bag camouflage 80 l waterproof backpack travel backpacks ba ( 106.13 $)
    13 kinds of color patterns hand-woven rope watch Geneva watch fashion casual quartz watch women men Is fit for wrist watch ( 6.99 $)
    Самые ужасные места планеты парижские катакомбы

  18. wh0cd39359 [url=]minipress drug[/url] [url=]avodart[/url] [url=]nolvadex for men[/url] [url=]elimite online[/url] [url=]atomoxetine cost[/url]

  19. wh0cd281114 [url=]generic serpina[/url] [url=]buy citalopram 20 mg[/url] [url=]bupropion hcl[/url] [url=]hair loss cream[/url]

  20. wh0cd54707 [url=]buy bentyl[/url] [url=]diclofenac[/url] [url=]effexor[/url] [url=]hydrochlorothiazide[/url] [url=]norvasc[/url]

  21. wh0cd199761 [url=]online doxycycline[/url] [url=]quibron-t[/url] [url=]vantin[/url] [url=]revia[/url] [url=]yasmin contraceptive[/url] [url=]prednisolone 40mg[/url] [url=]cream tretinoin[/url]

Leave a Reply