Battle Fatigue

Imagining by Farrokh Chothia

Battle Fatigue

I’m not sure about the symptoms. But I’m a girl with hunches.

Maybe I feel distressed because I’ve been lying in the lap of darkness. Leaving that place takes a lot of yellow. Maybe I’m muddled because I made a contract to save my life. Now, I’m surrounded by debris and questions: What next? Next, what?

Do you want to upgrade?

Arhaan, who is seven, and magnetic, plays Monopoly with me on a stone floor in Goa. Dice roll and he lands on Mayfair. Checks the stack of cards at his side. Grin spreads because he owns Mayfair, and he wants to buy a house.

He hands over a fistful of monopoly bills.

‘I want to UPGRADE’

pause as he places the small plastic house on his square.

‘And you are going DOWN!’

I can’t get these two lines out of my head.


maybe if I downgrade, I can’t go anywhere but UP.

This see-saw action of the universe is making me less polite. But a better person. Now that my hemoglobin is rising, now that my time to curl is over, I only want to find a place where there once were many people and now there are none.

Like Bassein Fort.

I want to be solitary. And I want to tell you things.

About Divya’s swan dream and Denzil’s 40 watt bulbs, about Tip Top Tea Shop and Barry the St Bernard. About the Glasshouse outside Rishikesh. About National Integration Tissues and singing the lumberjack song in Bulsar. About Patrick the Healer and Tishani walking to the End of the World. About how I am simulating my life when I am not living the only way I know how…

With no fixed return.

Since I got back from India last month, I’ve been feeling oppressed and fearful. I can call it Battle Fatigue.

Or choose not to name it.

Whatever it is, I can’t manage or encode my feelings anymore.

I need some EPO. Emotion Processing Outsourcing. My own personal call centre.

In an old bookcase in Goa, I came across this passage:

‘I began to see how my fascination with the drama of my emotional life and my too great faith in the powers of my intellect had withered my spirit. You have become imprisoned in the knowledge you acquired. Now you must let it go for another knowledge to come in.’

All right then.

What does that have to do with the fact that I’m cancer free?


Yesterday I cleaned out my medicine cabinet. I threw out the apo-metronidazole, the apo-granisetron, the ran-pantoprazole and the ativan and tried not to linger on the labels.

‘Take 1 tablet 1 hour prior to chemotherapy’

‘Take one tablet every six hours when needed’

‘Take 1 tablet three times daily until finished’


None of the containers are empty.

You might call me irresponsible or inconsistent. Someone singularly unsuitable to use a spreadsheet.

I prefer to think of myself as having a glorious uncertainty when it comes to uniformity.

Either way, I loved tossing them.

Making space.

Cleaning out my cabinets.

My port remains though. I thought about taking it out when I got back from India.

But there will be blood tests. Regularly. To check.

And bobcat is battle scarred. He needs a break.

From me.

There’s so much to share.

And in this tornadic swirl of compelling experiences there is a centre.

And the centre is yellow.

Leave one

12,337 Responses

  1. K

     /  May 15, 2010

    It’s always the darkest before dawn. Wish you well.

  2. B

     /  May 15, 2010

    Animo Lisa. Un paso a la vez.

  3. Candace

     /  May 15, 2010

    Hi Lisa,

    These are two books that sometimes help me when I’m experiencing my own personal “battle fatigue”:

    1. Tao Te Ching (Stephen Mitchell’s translation)
    2. Pride & Prejudice & Zombies (Jane Austen & Seth Grahame Smith)


    All the best,

  4. Margaret

     /  May 15, 2010

    you keep the portals open, we’ll keep sending positive light shining your way…

    Blessed be!

  5. FingerLakes Tourist

     /  May 15, 2010

    Hmmm… once there were many and none now (the ones that count)? Where are you now? Thats not your apt. The piccture is blurry, but your beauty comes through even that nebula. Ok, lets ask BobCat to not be gone for long. What next? You are doing well, so don’t dwell on the next. You are the doing the best you can. Take it easy babe!

    Luv Luv Luv

  6. erica

     /  May 15, 2010

    out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing,
    there is a field.
    i’ll meet you there.

    when the soul lies down in that grass,
    the world is too full to talk about.
    ideas, language, even the phrase
    each other
    doesn’t make any sense.

    i happened on your blog by chance last week and for whatever reason i was sucked in :) and compelled to send you tons of positive energy and love. so – sending. i’m also sending you a mental mix cd of all the songs you should be listening to right now while battling said fatigue..

    things always get better.

  7. Kareen

     /  May 15, 2010

    Hey Lisa,

    You left me completely speechless. I am still trying to decipher every word that you said. But I cannot hold myself back from saying, wow, these words are powerful, raw, real and beautiful.

    Someone with a restless heart and mind like you needs a guide through your journey and one thing I do have is the perfect companion to; something to nurture you and help you upgrade or see things a different way; Below is a book, my most prized possession;

    “The Philosophical Journey” by William F. Lawhead, 4th Edition

    you only have to say the word and I’ll give this treasure of mine to you, along with a couple of essays that are fruits of ideas from this book.

    Philosophy, the search for the meaning of life, is not just a compilation of ideas, it is a journey, and this is what this book is all about. I also would be happy to recommend a brilliant professor of mine, who encouraged me to think for myself and challenge these ideas.

    If you are interested here are the topics that this book covers;

    The Search for Knowledge : Epistemology
    -Skepticism – Rene Descartes
    -Rationalism – Plato
    -Empiricism – Locke, Berkeley and Hume
    -Constructivism – Immanuel Kant
    -Relativism – Frierich Nietzche
    -Pragmatism – William James
    -Feminist Epistemology – Garry, Pearsall

    The Search for Ultimate Reality: Metaphysics

    The Search for God: Cosmology

    The Search for Ethical Values: Ethics

    The Search for Justice: Political Philosophy

    The Search for the Meaning of Life: Philosophy

    hey Lisa, let me know if you want it. I wish you well and wish you a revolution of the mind.


  8. Lisa,
    I know it’s hard not to think or worry about it, but you have all of us supporting you :)
    Whenever you need us we’ll be here! So, you should just enjoy everything..go to an art exhibition for example..or a movie screening. Speaking of movie screening, I’m thinking about having a short film competition here in Alabama. I’m still looking for a place to sponsor us, but I asked Aida if S&H will do the honor to be our juror..we’ll see :) I don’t know if they would like to sit 2 hours trying to watch amateur film makers Ha Ha, but it’ll be fun. I can’t wait for those audio books. Thanks for sharing the’s always nice to see you smile :)
    Have fun tomorrow!

  9. Kareen

     /  May 15, 2010

    just want to add, this book doesn’t tell you what to believe, it challenges you to think. this book is very powerful. anyone that has the possesion of such knowledge and ideas in this book is considered “dangerous,” hehehe just something we say in my line of work when someone is armed to the tooth.

    best wishes.

  10. Michelle Casale

     /  May 15, 2010

    Hi Lisa,

    I wish I could tell you the “perfect” words to make you feel better about this battle fatigue. For me, I have found light through your words. I have even made a blog of my own to see if it will help me in my own daily battles. You are someone who is very different from most people you meet on a daily basis, you show us that you are human and that everything isn’t always pretty. You have fallen in front of us, but you have also picked yourself back up in front of us. When you show us things like this, you show us that in our darkest days, we too can get up. I just got this twitter thing today and I sent you a message that I accidentally found you on youtube. Since I had found you, and then your yellow diaries, I have found something during my darkest days that give me a glimpse of light into the future. Things happen for a reason, I used to think blah! But its weird how certain things happen in life that in turn bring us to things that change our lives forever, whether it being good or bad, it’s something that makes you who you are in the future. I thank God I found you. I pray to God and I ask him to watch over. You are so important to us all that we just can’t let you go, or be by yourself. We are all here for you. I wish you had a film to bring to San Diego, CA for some festival. I wish I could shake your hand, and thank you for being brave!!

    PS: You should post those pictures of you with the white and blue striped shirt. Those pictures are truly beautiful. The hair is so kool!! I really would cut my hair off to grow it back with you!! I hope as time goes by you feel better…. We miss your blogs so don’t stop!!

  11. gracias a la vida que me ha dado tanto me ha dado la risa y me ha dado el llanto asi yo distingo dicha de quebranto los dos materiales que forman mi canto el canto de ustedes que es el mismo canto el canto de todos que es mi propio canto ! gracias a la vida ¡ autora chilena VIOLETA PARRA ! que DIOS LA BENDIGA ¡

  12. querida lisa: le invito de una cancion que dice… gracias a la vida que me ha dado tanto me dio dos luceros que cuando los abro perfecto distingo lo negro del blanco y en el alto cielo su fondo estrellado y en las multitudes al hombre que yo amo. gracias a la vida que me a dado tanto me ha dado el sonido y el abecedario con el las palabras que pienso y declaro madre amigo hermano y luz alumbrando la ruta del alma del que estoy amando. gracias a la vida que me ha dado tanto me ha dado la marcha de mis pies cansados con ellos anduve ciudades y charcos playas y desiertos montañas y llanos y la casa tuya tu calle y tu patio. gracias a la vida que me ha dado tanto me dio el corazon que agita su marco cuando miro el fruto del cerebro

  13. damini

     /  May 15, 2010

    Dear Lisa,

    I am a big fan of yours and it seems like I know you very well. I also have a Polish-Bengali connection – I am Bengali, my husband is Polish and my kids (7 and 3) speak both languages. We are also Canadian.

    Just want to tell you to hang in there !! It is inspiring for me to read your yellow diaries. I send my best positive energy your way


  14. QUERIDA LISA: esto se llama ” TE DARE ” Te regalo mi silencio el baul de mis recuerdos , mi cancion comprometida el archivo de mis sueños . Te regalo mis deseos con el mapa de mi vida, con el miedo a equivocarme mis verdades y mentiras . Te dare y no me quedare con nada te entrego todas mis mañanas con una historia que esta escrita . Te dare mi corazon equivocado te ofrezco todo mi pasado sin importarme lo que digan. Te regalo mis poemas y una rima que no existe la he escrito con la tinta de un dolor irresistible . Te regalo mis momentos con un llanto inconsolable una luz que se apagaba y un destino inalterable. desconozco al aut@r … recuerde que DIOS rie con usted a carcajadas¡¡¡¡¡¡¡

  15. Bibiana Muñoz, desde Panamá

     /  May 15, 2010

    Hola Corazón: You wrote something before … “Chemo and Love. Loving. Lots of it.” Remember that … Now there is no chem… But love… loving… The silence, and being alone, the sound of your favorite music, and the voice on the phone, or in person, from your loved ones; The yellow in the sun, and the heat. So many things to share.
    Of course you have to be tired, my sweet love, you went to a battle, yellow warrior, And now you’re back, and you have scars that will heal with time and love, loving. a lot. So What’s next … More Love. Loving more.
    We are with you… you know? Each step of the road. Even if they are rocky roads. Even from the distance, From our soul, but… WITH YOU. Faith, hope and love. That’s my prescription to keep in the cabinet of your heart.

  16. Pluie

     /  May 16, 2010

    Hi! Lisa

    Don’t stop fighting!!!
    Take care~

  17. Satwati

     /  May 16, 2010

    Dear Lisa,

    Great news for all of us. We had been praying for you all along…i thank GOD heartily….Lisa…u r a ray of hope…..n thank u GOD for making the ray shine brighter!! The cancer demon is finally out of u….Be happy n take care of yourself….
    We LOVE you…We’ll always be by ur side….

    P.S. I Love You.

  18. dace

     /  May 16, 2010

    Love you. You shine and you’ll shine:)

  19. shane

     /  May 16, 2010

    hi, Lisa!

    I’m happy that you’re posting again. :) You give so much courage to everybody. Thanks to you. :)

    Stay happy and healthy!

  20. haobo

     /  May 16, 2010

    Love you !Bless for you everyday

  21. Kiki

     /  May 16, 2010

    Whenever I read one of your posts I am overwhelmed with the realization that I need to read more books and that I utterly ADORE you and wish you all the love and good health in the world.

  22. You are an inspiration :)

    let it unfold in it’s own time.

  23. I just want to let you know, I really like the writing on your site. But I am employing Chromium on a machine running version 9.04 of Crashbang Ubuntu and the design aren’t quite right. Not a strong deal, I can still fundamentally read the articles and look for for info, but just wanted to inform you about that. The navigation bar is kind of difficult to apply with the config I’m running. Keep up the great work!

  24. Veronika

     /  May 16, 2010

    Dear Lisa,

    I’m so happy to hear from you. Everybody is right, we are all here to send you energy & light & love. Lots of it. I know you want to find out what is next. If you can, trust that more good things will come your way. Here’s one thought that immediately I had when I read your posting: There seem to be so many funny, beautiful and touching stories inside of you. What if you took them and your talent for writing – and wrote a book. With short stories or any other form of storytelling that feels right. And use them (as well) to heal from the battle. Just a thought.


  25. Steeltrapped

     /  May 16, 2010

    The Mellow Diaries…resurrection!


    Change is always twisted!

    If you decide to let go the old, it decides to still stay.
    And if you desire to let it want to stay, it decides to leaves.
    Its like grinning, as if saying, “tough luck honey, I have a mind of my own!” :-)

    Just flow with it, and see the directions, dimensions & depths you meet…

    For the Yellolution, where:

    - chucking the meds is good, but keeping the faith is better!
    - facing the fatigue is temp., facing the fate is permanent!
    - downgrading is at times, upgrading is all times!
    - physical battles to be met with, emotional ones to be conquered!

    This one’s for how you Mellowed the Downgrade! :-)


  26. Dearest Lisa,

    Sometimes you make my Spirit bleed…

    The kind of bleeding that releases those wedged emotions that gravely needs to let go… and whenever I read your words, as if those feelings of pain spill uncontrollably and it immediately heals…

    Only God knows how specifically I am also going through these same things:

    ‘…How my fascination with the drama of my emotional life and my too great faith in the powers of my intellect had withered my spirit. You have become imprisoned in the knowledge you acquired…’

    Those words are so powerful and very apt… releasing something is sometimes so hard when you are used to having it and when believe that you are entitled to it…

    In the sometimes torrential deluge of emotions to transcend things, where it smashes against our ever practical mind that needs stability and certainty, I feel that one way or another we are all being taught to embrace uncertainty and all the paradox of Life.

    Your writing has a poignant poetry that touches the deepest cut and seeps cure generously into People you have touched just by sharing your journey…

    No matter what happens, whatever The Universe has in-stored for you in the inevitable roller-coaster ride, Please always write… regularly if you can… it would mean a lot, Thank you.

    I know you have heard this so many times, when you write, you are also ‘healing’ People and paving an example to follow…

    I do pray that your maintenance therapy always keep you cancer-free and know that daily, I pray for your continued health and well-being.

    Whatever psychological scars that still need to mend and whatever storms to tame, we are always behind you.

    In Stillness, it allows us to surrender everything…

    I feel that Yellow Lights beam radiantly in every direction from the core of your Being…

    With immeasurable pride for you,

  27. tess

     /  May 16, 2010

    Dear Lisa,

    Congrats on everything. Resuming writing here, most of all. I had written the comment here once. I am sure you know it in your heart, Ma’am, you are a WRITER!!! The way you connect ideas, words, imagery is beautiful. Even things stated can be sad and distressing, you are never in pathos, you bring out the beauty of everything, crystal clear. I am sure, you dont feel like this most often. But there is the immensity of talent just flowing through, mostly unnoticed. It stopped being a blog of a famous, very beautiful celebrity long back. Now I come here, to hear you speak, to read what you write. The writings transcends ‘the personal’ and speaks its soul…

    One day, I hope to hold your novel, a collection of short stories.. as I sip my late night coffee in the back ground of some good music.

    Congrats on everything.
    Stay blessed.

  28. Kati

     /  May 16, 2010

    My dear Lisa,

    I remember months ago you wrote you already used to the systematical chemotherapy and when finally the bell was ringing for you at your last ocassion you said that you would miss it even if it was strange. Maybe I don’t compose it exactly but you will understand what I mean.
    Today when I read your new blog after two months break I had the same feeling…in the past months you focused on your illness and the several therapies, it was a must and you did it so bravely and great, but now thank’s God and your strength and all yellow which you got from your doctors and the people around you, you are well and cancerfree.
    Even if I was not in this kind of situation I can understand what you mean. You feel some emptiness, you feel that your life has changed and you must find your way back or rather a new way to step forward. I strongly hope that Bobcat will accompany you further along your road!
    Dear Lisa, you are intelligent, talented in so many ways, beautiful and beloved not only by your family and friends but thousands of people around the world.
    I know that the life is not easy because now you face with other problems, but you should believe in yourself like all of us here believe in you!
    When I saw the video about your photo shooting you were radiant, looked so amazing, don’t be afraid of anything, you conquered the worst in the life, you have a lot to do, come back to the big screen and give us more from your playing or write more. We will follow you whatever you choose to do.
    Share your thoughts with us and we will support you with our love further on.

    Sending much yellow love and more strength
    Kati from Hungary

  29. Sue Ann

     /  May 16, 2010


    There is so much I want to say to you. Where to begin?!?

    Our fighting took place on very different battlefields, the battles took different forms, yet in both our battles life was on one side and death the other and now we are in much the same place, I think.

    Battle Fatigue. I get it. I’m there. I think perhaps I’ve become a little more comfortable with it at this point than you. But time goes on. Interminable. You will get your land legs back.

    We are not the same people we were when our battles started. Now nothing is the same for either of us because we have changed. I have changed. Deeply. Significantly.

    I’ve been living in this empty place for 4 years now. It is beginning to fill back up again. Differently. Unfamiliar. Terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time. I changed from deep inside and the outside is beginning to catch up.

    The people in my life didn’t change with me and now we don’t fit. I’m uncomfortable with them…I want to scream at them…shake them up…force them deep inside themselves. I don’t (much). I want to say that confrontation is not my nature. That use to be true. Now, I just don’t know.

    So, I sit in the emptiness. Observing. Reticent to label. Letting things be.

    I love you my Sister in this life…my fellow Warrior.

    Just breath.

  30. it’s amazing how you can speak to my heart…

  31. Joe

     /  May 16, 2010

    Dear Lisa,
    At present I have two friends who have cancer and because of the social networks sites and blogs they regularly post updates on their progress. One of them is under treatment for over 3 years now, another a student of mine with a four year old daughter and an adorable wife has been posting his treatment for the last year and a half. Its heart rending Lisa, to even think for a second on what goes on in their minds. I haven’t, even once put up a comment on their post, not because I don’t care for them, but I think… is because I feel so helpless when I empathize with their situation that I feel my words mean nothing when they are going through possibly their last days with their loved ones.
    Their posts are filled with hope…….even though the odds are against them
    I am so glad you have been healed……you have been truly blessed Lisa…..youre blogs are truly inspiring…this is the first time in my life that I have written a note to someone who has fought all by herself…..
    ……you know what, if you did not get cured I would not have written this note,…..but in the silence of my heart i would have said a prayer for you…..

  32. Tammy

     /  May 16, 2010

    It is very rare for me to comment on a celebrity blog or website mainly because I seriously doubt most celebrities ever actually read the comments and I’ve always had the attitude of why bother commenting on someone’s blog that I don’t know and won’t ever meet. In your case though your blogs are so real and do something that no other celebrity does, which is show that no matter who you are that life has a lot of ups and downs and that everyone has struggles and rough times no matter how famous or beautiful the person is. Two months ago I had never heard of you and than while I was searching for a movie to watch in Netflix I stumbled across one of your movies. After I watched the movie I became a fan of your work as an actress so I watched a couple other movies you had made and then I found your yellow diaries and now I’m a fan of the person instead of the actress. You may never know how many lives you touch because of what you write in your blogs but you have a real gift for the written word and your williness to be so open with your daily life struggles is something that will help more people than you can ever imagine.
    Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime and too sleepy to worry at night.

  33. You are truly an amazing person.I am sure most folks just know you as an actress but I have been reading your blogs and your strength and courage amidst fighting against such an adverse situation is mind blowing. You are an inspiration to the millions of people who suffer from this dreadful disease..I sincerly hope you recover soon !

  34. casfin

     /  May 16, 2010

    Love you!
    Best wishes·
    from China·

  35. Ximena

     /  May 16, 2010


    You are here again. We are with you here. Anywhere. Don’t worry. :) :)

    And you know? You don’t have idea how many lifes changed because of you. :)

    People we have met because of you…

    People sit together in their suffering because of you…

    People who feel hopeful because of you…

    WOW!! How many people succeed in life so many things in others?…

    Step by step. Day by day. This is a life.

    Best wishes and a lot of kisses, “che warrior”, :) :)


  36. Dionne Davis

     /  May 16, 2010

    You are very powerful and as your strength blossoms it is not an illusion, it is real. You are affecting people in magical ways. “Don’t you know?” You know Michael Jackson comes to my mind now. He and his music not only moved people, literally, but his energy was electrifying. Although Michael seemed confident on many levels from the outside, I wonder if he truly believed his force. I am not one for cliches, but God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle, but makes us stronger. I have been stuck for a while in a cob web covered cocoon since my mom passed in 2005. “Can I move already and not lie down and die?” I realize mourning has its place. But, I’m fatigued of me. Your story and some recent events in my life have inspired me to get up off my ass and do more. You are special. I see it in your writing. I see it in your depth. I see it in your courage. Use yourself as a MUSE and let your ship sail far beyond the limits of circumstance.

  37. Wan Díaz

     /  May 16, 2010

    …yellow dreams…
    time out to rest on a field of wild daisies! sweet zzzzzzeeesss…
    restful lapses to recharge for a chunk more of life to unfold…
    i am grateful to u, Lisa, and to all yellow diarists
    i get to read every chance i have…
    this read is quite a workout! thank u! & now a mini break…
    wait up! daisy = from Old English daeges eage
    meaning day’s eye!
    always… immense hug, wan.

  38. ladyd

     /  May 16, 2010

    There will be a bright side again. You fought so hard to be where you are today and I know you have more fight left in you. Keep your head up!

  39. The transition from dark to light always squinch the eyes but as soon as you can feel the warmth of the first ray of light you know that you are blessed.
    wishing you positivity and good health.

  40. Anna (Poland)

     /  May 16, 2010

    Dear Lisa,

    It’s great to see you here writting again. I’m so happy that you are cancer free. I’ve never had any doubts that you will win this battle. I can imagine how difficult it is to find yourself in the new situation. Time is the best medicine. Hopefully you will find your way soon. You rock as nobody else!
    Any plans to come to Europe? I would love to meet you here.

    I’m sending you a lot of yellow energy.

    Duzo zdrowia i milosci kazdego dnia kochana Lisa.


  41. Terri

     /  May 16, 2010

    You are an inspiration! Stay strong. The rest of us are not ready to give you up.

  42. I am reluctant to write, but your journey has touched me and that’s not easy to do. As I sat outside soaking in the sun and warm breezes, I was contemplating your words, your will, your utter braveness, and a small yellow finch landed on a dandelion in the path of my gaze and looked at me. Signs flung in my face and I knew I must say something to you and hope you get to read it.

    I’ve been through my own battles; physical, emotional, spiritual, as we all have – All the world’s a stage and all that. Things change us, things break and they don’t go back together the way they used to, perspective and knowledge become completely useless. But we have to go on, don’t we, or what’s the point?

    Upgrading is a problem. What exactly do you upgrade – the new or the old? If you go up, must you inevitably come back down? And if you downgrade, how much do you lose? Questions I haven’t figured out the answers to, but I just keep trying to emulate water. Flow and be.

    Restoring my pieces with the little miracles, like the finch and hard-working bees, the shape of the clouds and the scent of fresh blossoms, the unshakeable love of friends and family and unconditional acts of kindness. Step by step, learning to relish the minutes before they go away, keeping the child fresh in my adult mind.

    And the unexpected draw and touch through the words of someone I don’t know, sharing her battle and her soul. We must travel our own journeys and keep going, keep discovering what’s around the next bend. Could be trolls, could be fairies, could be a clump of dirt, but whatever it is, it’s there for us to explore.

    Thank you Lisa. Always – Peace, Love, and Light.

  43. Clemence

     /  May 16, 2010

    1000 mabrouk lisa bcz now u r cancerfree, you made a great effort, you have fight very hard to save your life.bcz this life is yours and what is more precious than our life? … that’s why nobody can understand what u fell and what u went throught physically and moraly but we sure that it was really a battle fatigue. Bravo u r hero You beat hard the desease by your courage, your efforts and ur love for life. But do not ask… “what next?” bcz tomorow does not belong to anyone… It’s not mine and not yours,… So live ur life Lisa Ray … Love u ( i know that my english is soooo bad :( excuse meeeeee)

  44. Susan Grimshaw

     /  May 16, 2010

    Dear Lisa,
    Your’ve alive, you’re alive, you’ve much to pray. PTSD, it’s treatable. It’s understandable. Your doctor can guide you. Perhaps you can remove the port and feel less open to outside influences. Continuing your meditation, yoga and writing will add lumen upon lumen to light your way. Your honesty is staggering. And yet I sense you want more. Be easy. Your immune system exists in the warp and woof of the greater love that contains us.
    Peace and blessings,

  45. Arzu Kaya

     /  May 16, 2010

    Dear Lisa,

    i think it´s o.k to feel not so good or battle fatigue. It´s your human right. You don´t need to be always always strong, consistent and fearless. Even “healty” people think about what next? We all need sometimes a break! So it´s o.k. when Bobcat needs a break “from you” and may be you from him…


  46. Yesi =))

     /  May 16, 2010

    Buen Dia Lisa!!! =))

    Tengo un par de meses conociendo su trabajo,como muchos por ahi, vi una de sus peliculas en dias pasados y me dije: ¡he visto esa cara antes! nunca recuerdo nombres pero una cara jamas la olvido! asi que busque acerca de usted y sus peliculas y fue en ese momento que descubri su bloq y su enfermedad, se un poco de ingles solo un poco! pero bueno la tecnologia hace maravillas y fue asi como me encargue de leer su “aventura con el cancer” y dejeme decirle que escribe muy bien o por lo menos la escencia de lo que quiere decir bueno en claves y divagado muchas veces, ya que me quedaba con cara de what??en algunas ocasiones :p ….en todo este tiempo jamas me atrevi a escribir por las mismas razones de muchos, que es la pregunta del millon ..realmente leera los comentarios? pero hoy que la siento tan confundida pero sana me nacio el escribirle por que es largo muy largo para ser comentario esto…solo quiero felicitarla por “tratar” de ser positiva, dar buena cara a la vida, sonreir cuando lloraba por dentro, pero siempre manteniendo la fe de que todo iba a estar mejor mañana, eso es BUENA ACTITUD! y ayuda mucho cuando la vida te da un golpe bajo.

    Por otro lado your question: what next?….lo dificil ya paso “USTED ESTA VIVA” y lo que usted tiene que ver es que el universo le dio otra oportunidad, Y NO DEBE COMETER LOS MISMOS ERRORES!!! asi que esta en una etapa o por lo menos es lo que entiendo de explorar, pero no sabe como comenzar quiza por usted mismo, que le parece liberarse!! ese es el 1 paso y sabe va por buen camino LIMPIO sus gabinetes, ahora deberia seguir su cuarto en general, Que tiene que nunca usa?? y lo guarda por recuerdos o decimos: quiza un dia me quede!… mi punto es: hay que hacer una limpieza general: casa, amigos, recuerdos, amantes…hay que liberarse de eso que no usamos, de esas personas que nos roban energia y aun asi somos amables con ellos, de esos malos recuerdos y de los buenos tambien que nos tienen viviendo en el pasado; yo se que no es facil y es doloroso porque vivimos de esos recuerdos, ademas que como seres humanos no nos gusta perder eso que llamamos nuestro! pero todo es un ciclo y debemos aprender a dejar ir, por ejemplo: bobcat el es una parte de su vida pero nada mas, pero dira: lo he tenido tantos años, ha pasado conmigo tantas cosas que no se como seguir sin el estando lejos, por que siempre ha estado ahi! pero debe dejarlo ir quiza eso los haga crecer como pareja o darse cuenta que el ciclo ha terminado, el hace eso liberarse!, una vez que asimile: como esta su vida? Que no le gusta? Que debe cambiar?… entonces si …Next…fase 2…hacer lo que siempre quiso y nunca se dio el tiempo: pasar tiempo con amigos, rentar una pelicula que siempre ha querido ver, viajar a ese lugar que soño, agradecerle a la vida por lo que tiene y no pedirle mas, decir te amo a todos tus seres queridos, abrazar mas, no temer miedo por nada recuerde lo que esta en su destino NI COMO CAMBIARLO solo hay que dar lo mejor de nosotros y quiza eso es lo que haga el cambio y sombre todo hablar muy importante! siempre debemos decir como no sentimos no hay que guardar sentimientos eso solo enferma, sin miedo siempre debemos decir las cosas por insignificantes que estan parezcan o abrumadoras que sean. Recuerde: usted siempre es primero si usted esta bien puede transmitir bienestar a los demas.

    No olvide darse tiempo siempre para usted y el mundo (familia, amigos, vecinos, desconocidos). Lo demas viene por añadidura (fase 3).

    Lisa espero no haberla abrumado con tan largo escrito, le deseo lo mejor hoy y siempre y espero que encuentre la paz y el sentido a la vida que ha perdido, no haga muchos planes que el universo se encarga de desaserlos, solo haga las cosas para sentirse mejor con usted misma y no por que le conviene.

    ahh un detalle mas (usted dira: todavia mas?) jajajjajaaj es lo ultimo lo juro! :s ….usted dijo: ” I only want to find a place where there once were many people and now there are none”. El lugar que busca puede estar frente a usted, mi casa por ejemplo solia estar llena no solo de personas, ruido, olores toda clase de perturbaciones… y hoy solo es ella y aveces yo porque suelo solo visitarla para dormir.

    Salud y Conciencia mi querida Lisa, Cuidese Mucho. y digame: Quien dijo que la vida es bella siempre? hay que aprender a vivir solamente, unos dias mirando solo desde arriba y otros con pies bien puestos en la tierra, nimodo debemos conocer todas las perspectivas, pero usted sonria ;) .

    Que tenga una excelente semana…Besos Tronados desde Mexico. =))

  47. Dear Lisa,

    I am still reeling from your words… you are an Enlightener of deep thoughts and you make people revel in seas of blessed emotions.

    I wrote though for a different matter, which is to suggest that when you get the chance, Sweetie please put a ‘facebook share, retweet and any other social network’ widgets in this new site of yours when you have the time…

    So that everyone can easily share your writings on a simple click of a button… I strongly Believe that your writing must be put out there as much as possible.

    Your writing has a force of Power, as if it’s drawn from the ether as you share the depth and hues of what makes us Human….

    Also, if you can kindly add the ‘blog/email subscription’ widget again…

    Hope I am not making too many requests… I just really wanted it to be easier for everyone to know that you have written a new blog entry through an email sign-up and so that we can always spread/forward your meaningful reflections to the world.

    In the constant whiplash of battles, Your Heart and Soul is truly unmatched for.

    You are so acing this life,

  48. Anie

     /  May 16, 2010

    Even though bobcat needs a break from all of this, remember that I, even better we the Yellow Diarist are always here for you.

    So don’t worry.
    Keep sharing your thoughts.
    And sit back and listen to this relaxing song of Coldplay, ‘Don’t Panic’.

    Your always in my thoughts and prayers…

  49. Parul

     /  May 16, 2010

    There’s light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t lose hope. Don’t be afraid to admit that you are scared. Everyone is. But you are a fighter so keep fighting:)
    Love Always,
    Parul (US)

  50. Parul

     /  May 16, 2010


    There is a reason
    For every pain that we must bear,
    For every burden, every care
    There is a reason.
    For every grief that crushes our hearts
    For every scalding tear we shed,
    There is a reason.
    For every hurt, for every plight,
    For every lonely, painful night,
    There is a reason.
    Yet, if we trust God, as we all must
    It all can turn to be for our good,
    HE knows the reason.

    Hope this helps. Don’t worry about yesterday. Think and live in TODAY:)


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