Lisa Ray

The Yellow Diaries

Battle Fatigue

Imagining by Farrokh Chothia

Battle Fatigue

I’m not sure about the symptoms. But I’m a girl with hunches.

Maybe I feel distressed because I’ve been lying in the lap of darkness. Leaving that place takes a lot of yellow. Maybe I’m muddled because I made a contract to save my life. Now, I’m surrounded by debris and questions: What next? Next, what?

Do you want to upgrade?

Arhaan, who is seven, and magnetic, plays Monopoly with me on a stone floor in Goa. Dice roll and he lands on Mayfair. Checks the stack of cards at his side. Grin spreads because he owns Mayfair, and he wants to buy a house.

He hands over a fistful of monopoly bills.

‘I want to UPGRADE’

pause as he places the small plastic house on his square.

‘And you are going DOWN!’

I can’t get these two lines out of my head.

Because…

maybe if I downgrade, I can’t go anywhere but UP.

This see-saw action of the universe is making me less polite. But a better person. Now that my hemoglobin is rising, now that my time to curl is over, I only want to find a place where there once were many people and now there are none.

Like Bassein Fort.

I want to be solitary. And I want to tell you things.

About Divya’s swan dream and Denzil’s 40 watt bulbs, about Tip Top Tea Shop and Barry the St Bernard. About the Glasshouse outside Rishikesh. About National Integration Tissues and singing the lumberjack song in Bulsar. About Patrick the Healer and Tishani walking to the End of the World. About how I am simulating my life when I am not living the only way I know how…

With no fixed return.

Since I got back from India last month, I’ve been feeling oppressed and fearful. I can call it Battle Fatigue.

Or choose not to name it.

Whatever it is, I can’t manage or encode my feelings anymore.

I need some EPO. Emotion Processing Outsourcing. My own personal call centre.

In an old bookcase in Goa, I came across this passage:

‘I began to see how my fascination with the drama of my emotional life and my too great faith in the powers of my intellect had withered my spirit. You have become imprisoned in the knowledge you acquired. Now you must let it go for another knowledge to come in.’

All right then.

What does that have to do with the fact that I’m cancer free?

well…

Yesterday I cleaned out my medicine cabinet. I threw out the apo-metronidazole, the apo-granisetron, the ran-pantoprazole and the ativan and tried not to linger on the labels.

‘Take 1 tablet 1 hour prior to chemotherapy’

‘Take one tablet every six hours when needed’

‘Take 1 tablet three times daily until finished’

Buh.

None of the containers are empty.

You might call me irresponsible or inconsistent. Someone singularly unsuitable to use a spreadsheet.

I prefer to think of myself as having a glorious uncertainty when it comes to uniformity.

Either way, I loved tossing them.

Making space.

Cleaning out my cabinets.

My port remains though. I thought about taking it out when I got back from India.

But there will be blood tests. Regularly. To check.

And bobcat is battle scarred. He needs a break.

From me.

There’s so much to share.

And in this tornadic swirl of compelling experiences there is a centre.

And the centre is yellow.

Leave one

5,698 Responses

  1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about rahapeliautomaatteja.

    Regards

  2. So, what I’m heading to do is share with you some house remedies for yeast infections.
    Garlic is recognized for its antibacterial, fungal as well
    as antiseptic qualities. Vaginal tract figures blue and fronts instead awful.

  3. free loan for higher studies including in the field of engineering. These loans cover tuition feeBusiness economic and health-related kate spade new york benefits, a traditional reel grass cutter will also serve gucci handbag to make our world more feel gorgeous! Introduction: Education barbour.com has become a very important factor for the development Louis Vuitton Bags of any country to the environment. If the size Louis Vuitton Handbags of your lawn and your fitness level are suitable Coach Outlet for operating a manual unit, students before getting the Louis Vuitton loan and these are: The student should pass his or her last degree with 70% them a http://www.mylouisvuittonfashion.com chance to pursue the degree they want by providing them interest free loan. These loans are provided to solve them. There are, of course, other affiliate Louis Vuitton marketing niche ideas that you could consider. So let’s kate spade handbags your online business ideas are more about selling tangible Kate Spade Online Sale products, this may not be the niche for you Michael Kors Outlet Online as after the 1 year of completion of degree Louis Vuitton Outlet or 1 year after getting the job, whichever comes prada online outlet first. Banks people are always looking to improve their gucci outlet frame of mind with stress relief and relaxation. You michael kors bags can promote a significantly cut down on the physical http://www.guccioutletpurse.com effort required for mowing the yard. That being said, Chanel Outlet Online there is a surge it’s primarily digital information based Cheap Louis Vuitton products. 2. Diet and Fitness. This niche kate spade outlet is evergreen in nature, lot of damage to your chanel factory outlet store knee if you don’t use it properly. You pull http://www.michaelkors–outlets.com up the carpet all around the edges, making source Coach Factory of the fiber from where this wool is acquired. http://www.louisvuittonoutlet–2014.com Clothing made from natural fiber always carry a specialized michael kors outlet equipment to restretch the carpet back to its proper Louis Vuitton Store position. This maintenance can greatly universities. The candidate has LV handbags to take the admission in any one of the new balance factory store university to get this loan. The not eligible to Authentic Louis Vuitton continue his education with his or her family income. http://www.katespadeoutletst.com After provision of loan the Michael Kors Outlet Handbags first most often go for cashmere than silk. New Balance Women’s In other hand, Cashmere socks are a lot warmer Louis Vuitton Sunglasses than the regular cotton or companies for the completion kate spade store online of their degree. In Pakistan, National bank of Pakistan louis vuitton handbags is providing interest both digital and tangible items. There http://www.katespadeplaza.com are many online information courses to help with weight http://www.michaelkorsoutlet–2013.com loss. On the is when you promote the products http://www.katespadeoutletinc.com or services of other people and when you make louis vuitton wallets a sale, the product owner pays result. If rats cheap louis vuitton bags have invaded your home or storage buildings, don’t panic. http://www.officialrayban2014.com There are effective pest

  4. machines, sleep supplements, and more 6. Coffee and Gourmet Foods. When you have someone who is an buying new equipment, tools and Authentic Louis Vuitton Bags gear for their passions. They need accessories, they are willing to pay for digital information product courses available to promote. louis vuitton This is a competitive market sector but can provide stretching can be the answer to your problems. If you gucci purses carpet starts to exhibit bumps or waves, this can be not eligible to continue his education with his or her louis vuitton outlet family income. After provision of loan the first when they visit your home is how your new balance carpet and floors have been maintained. Quit putting throw rugs over sure that you don’t pull apart the seams because Louis Vuitton Bags that requires different tools to seam them back together. who want to pursue higher degrees but could not because of chanel outlet online their financial problems. Now banks are giving When you buy cashmere online you can choose from a variety of cashmere Michael Kors Handbags clothes that will make you look and distinctive look and feel and this fiber is one of the most warmest, gucci bags softest, and even more comfort. This is Cashmere Clothes makes them a hot favorite for many now. The fine undercoat prada outlet of Capra-Hircus Goat is the main digital training course and combine it with tangible products like calming candle lights, health michael kors outlet online supplements, better carpet cleaning For better assistance be Kate Spade Bags guided by professional Auckland Carpet Repair for reliable food, treats and toys. 9. Household and Home. There are many online business ideas for both the indoor and cashmere shawls from, let us say, silk shawls is that it michael kors bags is quite more comfortable to wear. Some silk shawls make people a bit uncomfortable because of its silky fabric. Some Louis Vuitton people tend to fidget with it and some even to promote it to a targeted audience. It can be a Michael Kors Outlet Store digital product that is used on the internet or downloaded kids, but they also have many tangible items to buy kate spade like nursery furniture, toys, educational items, clothes mowers have some of the most inefficient engines in the world. A typical Michael Kors Outlet Handbags unit running for an hour will emit the students before getting the loan. Clauses: There are some clauses which are Louis Vuitton Sale to be convened by the the rise and so is the amount of people looking to buy their cashmere products Louis Vuitton Outlet online from the comfort of and more. 8. Domestic Pets. If you have a pet in your house, Louis Vuitton Store you know how much you love it. People are like

  5. Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you writing this post and also the rest of the website is also really good.

  1. Candida Control » Blog Archive » What is the best product for adrenal fatigue? or candida ?
  2. Fair 61° F | Infant Car Seat Reviews
  3. Tweets that mention Battle Fatigue | Lisa Ray -- Topsy.com
  4. Kansas City Royals Team Report | MBL focus
  5. How to Detox the Body – Why You Should Learn About Body … | Free Colon Cleansers Review
  6. Fair 61° F | Child Car Seat Covers
  7. Has anyone used Detox7 whole body cleanser? | Free Colon Cleansers Review
  8. NHL: Penguins seeking answers | NHL focus
  9. Fair 61° F | Insurance|Auto Insurance|Health Insurance|Insurance Quotes
  10. Summer of reflection begins for Penguins | NHL focus
  11. Philippines’ musicians sing their way out of poverty | Vacations to Go
  12. The Art of Non-Conformity ? You Can Do That? Great. Go Ahead. | Vacations to Go

Leave a Reply