Lisa Ray

The Yellow Diaries

Battle Fatigue

Imagining by Farrokh Chothia

Battle Fatigue

I’m not sure about the symptoms. But I’m a girl with hunches.

Maybe I feel distressed because I’ve been lying in the lap of darkness. Leaving that place takes a lot of yellow. Maybe I’m muddled because I made a contract to save my life. Now, I’m surrounded by debris and questions: What next? Next, what?

Do you want to upgrade?

Arhaan, who is seven, and magnetic, plays Monopoly with me on a stone floor in Goa. Dice roll and he lands on Mayfair. Checks the stack of cards at his side. Grin spreads because he owns Mayfair, and he wants to buy a house.

He hands over a fistful of monopoly bills.

‘I want to UPGRADE’

pause as he places the small plastic house on his square.

‘And you are going DOWN!’

I can’t get these two lines out of my head.


maybe if I downgrade, I can’t go anywhere but UP.

This see-saw action of the universe is making me less polite. But a better person. Now that my hemoglobin is rising, now that my time to curl is over, I only want to find a place where there once were many people and now there are none.

Like Bassein Fort.

I want to be solitary. And I want to tell you things.

About Divya’s swan dream and Denzil’s 40 watt bulbs, about Tip Top Tea Shop and Barry the St Bernard. About the Glasshouse outside Rishikesh. About National Integration Tissues and singing the lumberjack song in Bulsar. About Patrick the Healer and Tishani walking to the End of the World. About how I am simulating my life when I am not living the only way I know how…

With no fixed return.

Since I got back from India last month, I’ve been feeling oppressed and fearful. I can call it Battle Fatigue.

Or choose not to name it.

Whatever it is, I can’t manage or encode my feelings anymore.

I need some EPO. Emotion Processing Outsourcing. My own personal call centre.

In an old bookcase in Goa, I came across this passage:

‘I began to see how my fascination with the drama of my emotional life and my too great faith in the powers of my intellect had withered my spirit. You have become imprisoned in the knowledge you acquired. Now you must let it go for another knowledge to come in.’

All right then.

What does that have to do with the fact that I’m cancer free?


Yesterday I cleaned out my medicine cabinet. I threw out the apo-metronidazole, the apo-granisetron, the ran-pantoprazole and the ativan and tried not to linger on the labels.

‘Take 1 tablet 1 hour prior to chemotherapy’

‘Take one tablet every six hours when needed’

‘Take 1 tablet three times daily until finished’


None of the containers are empty.

You might call me irresponsible or inconsistent. Someone singularly unsuitable to use a spreadsheet.

I prefer to think of myself as having a glorious uncertainty when it comes to uniformity.

Either way, I loved tossing them.

Making space.

Cleaning out my cabinets.

My port remains though. I thought about taking it out when I got back from India.

But there will be blood tests. Regularly. To check.

And bobcat is battle scarred. He needs a break.

From me.

There’s so much to share.

And in this tornadic swirl of compelling experiences there is a centre.

And the centre is yellow.

Leave one

8,369 Responses

  1. wh0cd779982 [url=]advair hfa[/url] [url=]shuddha guggulu[/url] [url=]rocaltrol[/url] [url=]buy lasix[/url] [url=]i found it[/url] [url=]buy cephalexin online[/url] [url=]lexapro celexa[/url] [url=]synthroid online[/url]

  2. wh0cd441513 [url=]strattera generic[/url] [url=]full article[/url] [url=]seroquel[/url] [url=]bentyl cost[/url] [url=]silvitra online[/url] [url=]avodart online[/url] [url=]bupropion xl 150 mg[/url]

  3. Мужская толстовка. Цена 2 844 р.
    Стиль : – Фасон : Свободный Воротник…


    2016 fashion quilted bag purse quality bag women pu leather handbag messenger classical flap shoulder bags with chain women bags ( 20.00 $)
    Vintage casual nubuck leather handbags upgraded new hotsale women motorcycle tote ladies purse clutches shoulder shopping bags ( 32.40 $)
    Fashion pendant light transparent k9 crystal lamps lustre for dining room,100 quality guarantee ( 140.60 $)
    Wide Shawl Collar Buttonless Heather Coat ( 54.75 $)
    Excellent Value 10PCs Box Handle Knobs Arch Tracery Bronze Tone 4.3cmx1cm Furniture Hardware ( 3.09 $)
    Cute Black Leggings Mesh Yoga Pants Women High Elastic Grey Sport Leggings High Waist Running Tights Quick Dry Fitness Legging ( 17.80 $)
    5 Kinds of Categories Purple Blueberry Seed Windowsill Roof Fruit Seed Potted Bonsai Tree Plant Vaccinium Seed a Pack 200 Pcs ( 1.12 $)
    Good quality 7a unprocessed brazilian kinky curly virgin human hair 3bundles weave top selling virgin brazilian kinky curly hair ( 29.40 $)
    4XLot Free Shipping Led Par Can 7X10W 4in1 RGBW Led Slim Par Light Strobe Laser DMX DJ Disco Home Entertainment Party Lights ( 150.00 $)
    Simple desinged vintage pendant lights lamp with 1 light free shipping ( 127.98 $)
    Be nice snowmobile ski goggles double lens winter anti-fog big spherical high coverage professional snow goggles for adult 3100 ( 34.34 $)
    Peruvian virgin hair body wave 7a unprocessed virgin hair peruvian body wave 3 bundles human hair weave peruvian hair bundles ( 48.79 $)
    Sun6-auto sensor uv led nail lamp nail dryer diamond shaped 36w white light 365nm+405nm curing for uv gel nails polish art tools ( 37.63 $)
    Cheap 7a peruvian virgin hair straight 3 pcs lot unprocessed virgin straight hair bundles peruvian human hair weave 8-30 inch ( 48.23 $)
    Faux Fur Knitted Hood Zippered Quilted Jacket ( 81.65 $)

  4. wh0cd162161 [url=]noroxin without prescription[/url] [url=]benicar hct cost[/url] [url=]lasix[/url] [url=]provera[/url] [url=]your domain name[/url] [url=]crestor[/url] [url=]avapro generic[/url] [url=]found it for you[/url]

  5. wh0cd500631 [url=]augmentin antibiotic[/url] [url=]generic cafergot[/url] [url=]acticin without prescription[/url] [url=]cefixime for uti[/url] [url=]glucotrol glipizide[/url] [url=]hydrochlorothiazide 25mg[/url] [url=]keflex antibiotic[/url]

  6. wh0cd742384 [url=]effexor[/url] [url=]anafranil anxiety[/url] [url=]nexium[/url] [url=]acyclovir[/url] [url=]triamterene[/url]

  7. wh0cd419268 [url=]hydrochlorothiazide 12.5mg[/url] [url=]bupropion xl[/url] [url=]methotrexate[/url] [url=]retin-a[/url]

  8. LEBONON Water Resistant Unisex Small Elastic Personal Waist Bag for Outdoor Cycling Running Climbing ( 9.31 $)
    LEBONON Water Resistant Unisex Small Elastic Personal Waist Bag for Outdoor Cycling Running Climbing …


    Set of 2 Burgundy Saffiano Luggage Tags ( 50.00 $)
    Fashion women hoodies long sleeve print elephant sweatshirt casual basic mujer hoodies b6223e ( 18.45 $)
    Cylinder Silver Plated Cuff Links ( 66.40 $)
    Classic design men’s briefcase laptop bag 100 genuine leather cowhide bag men messenger bag free shipping ( 102.39 $)
    Original SJCAM M20 2160P 16MP 166 Adjustable Degree WiFi Action Camera Sport DV Recorder ( 115.04 $)
    7A Ombre Brazilian Hair Weave 3 Bundles Red 99j Burgundy Brazilian Straight Virgin Hair Straight Ombre Human Hair Extensions ( 74.19 $)
    New 2016 Belts Men High Quality Canvas Belt Casual belts fast dry Plastic Automatic Buckle 110-140cm ( 4.43 $)
    See-Through Gauze Spliced Maxi Dress ( 60.44 $)
    Solid Sky Blue Cashmere Tie ( 46.80 $)
    Bangtan boys kpop bts women hoodies sweatshirts letter printed in j-hope 94 and suga 93 women xxxl hoodies jung kook 97 ( 16.51 $)
    Oil Painting Canvas Print Cartoon Poster Super Hero Superman Wall Art Work Picture Home Decor Gift BUY TWO GET ONE FREE ( 10.99 $)
    Rosity new 20000 mah solar power bank bateria externa solar charger powerbank for all mobile phone for pad free shipping ( 37.90 $)
    Sanrenmu SK005D Lucky Number 5 Carabiner with Key Ring ( 2.86 $)
    New fashion pu leather handbag women cross body bag high quality lady messenger bags bolsos mujer casual female shoulder bag ( 24.99 $)
    Mini Tiger Bracelet ( 99.00 $)

  9. wh0cd322104 [url=]buy amoxil without prescription[/url] [url=]triamterene[/url] [url=]proscar drug[/url] [url=]phenergan[/url] [url=]retin-a[/url] [url=]buy celebrex online[/url] [url=]arimidex[/url] [url=]stromectol[/url] [url=]phenergan pill[/url] [url=]sildalis[/url]

  10. A recreation ⲟf tҺe unique shirt worn ƅy Alix Dobkin іn 1975
    in a photograph Ьy Liza Cowan.

  11. HD – 134 Hair Straightener Flat Iron with Titanium Tourmaline Plate – 110 – 240V ( 21.07 $)
    HD – 134 Hair Straightener Flat Iron with Titanium Tourmaline Plate – 110 – 240V …


    Man’s casual messenger travel bag business office laptop bags for man 2015 leather briefcases men maletin hombre cartable homme ( 49.50 $)
    Trendy square neck polka dot blouse for women ( 16.02 $)
    New runner light pink suede and fabric womens sneaker ( 181.88 $) DSquared2
    M Square Passport Cover Travel Wallet Document Passport Holder Organizer Cover on The Passport Women Business Card Holder ID ( 14.99 $)
    Gold Plated Chain Toggle Bracelet ( 122.00 $)
    Vintage casual small alligator chains hotsale ladies party purse women clutch famous designer shoulder messenger crossbody bags ( 17.00 $)
    1 pairs women fashion jewelry girl silver gold plated ear sweep wrap lady ear climber leafs ( 0.36 $)
    Junsun a7810 car dvr camera ambarella a7la70 with speedcam fhd 1080p 60fps video recorder registrar night vision dash cam ( 130.35 $)
    Marcus Line – Solid White Oxford Cotton Dress Shirt ( 78.00 $)
    8 STYLE 925 Sterling Silver Sparkling LEAVES SILVER RING WITH CUBIC ZIRCONIA for Women Compatible with BSE Jewelry A7206 ( 2.99 $)
    Leagoo Shark 1 6.0 inch 4G Phablet-186.48 $
    Bostanten 2016 new fashion genuine leather men bag famous brand shoulder bag messenger bags causal handbag laptop briefcase male ( 99.99 $)
    Rc line gold tone earrings wdeep blue stone ( 314.55 $) Roberto Cavalli
    Sweet women’s v-neck floral print bowknot swimsuit ( 18.13 $)
    Long wavy 5 clips in extension,blackbrown synthetic hair extensions,kanekalon fiber hair perucas ( 7.57 $)
    Лондон призвал ЕС расширить санкции против России

  12. Dome Imitation Camera with Flashing Red Light – Black ( 3.60 $)
    Dome Imitation Camera with Flashing Red Light – Black …


    2015 new fashion genuine leather bags tote women leather handbags women messenger bags shoulder bags hot vintage bags popular ( 69.00 $)
    Peruvian virgin hair with closure 4pcs lot peruvian water wave hair bundles with lace closures peruvian curly hair with closure ( 107.86 $)
    For OPEL ASTRA G Estate F35 1998-2009 car light sources Fog Lamps Car styling Fog Lights Halogen 1SET ( 22.68 $)
    Small soft fishing lure for bass fishing 9 cm 10 pcs one bag soft lure for ( 4.95 $)
    Camel Desk Letter Holder ( 101.00 $)
    Free Shipping Brand for xiaomi redmi 3 redmi 3S 3pro tempered glass screen protector Film redmi 3 s redmi 3 Pro Glass 0.33mm ( 1.76 $)
    Dark Blue Micro Checked Mens Shirt ( 49.00 $)
    Chic retro style leaf shape hairband for women ( 4.80 $)
    ZANZEA 2016 Black White Sexy Women Sweater Autumn Winter O Neck Bowknot Hollow Out Pullovers Long Sleeve Knitted Tops Pull Femme ( 16.32 $)
    Waterproof Temporary Tattoo Sticker sexy lotus mandala totem tattoo Water Transfer fake tattoo flash tattoo for girl women ( 0.44 $)
    Square Frame Plastic Sunglasses ( 181.00 $)
    Womens Brown Calf Leather Gloves w Silk Lining ( 89.00 $)
    Bluboo Xfire 2 5.0 inch Android 5.1 3G Smartphone MTK6580 Quad Core 8GB ROM 2.5D Screen Dual Camera GPS WiFi 87.79$
    8a indian water wave virgin hair 4 bundles indian curly virgin hair raw curly weave human hair bundles wet and wavy indian hair ( 53.70 $)
    Xiaomi Redmi 4A 4G Smartphone-99.95 $

  13. Compact LCD MP3 Music Player with Back Clip, FM Radio Support Micro SD Card ( 3.80 $),_FM_Rat2.jpg
    Compact LCD MP3 Music Player with Back Clip, FM Radio Support Micro SD Card …


    Jack purcell black leather low top sneaker ( 70.61 $) Converse Limited Edition
    K8 Mini 3G Smartwatch Phone-133.56 $
    Free shipping !touch keypad lcd wireless gsm sms alarm system autodial smart home security system burglar alarm ( 120.64 $)
    Ulefone Tiger 4G Phablet-111.25 $
    7a grade sexy formula malaysian curly hair 3pcslot malaysian virgin hair deep wave curly hair dhl free shipping human hair ( 103.76 $)
    UMI TOUCH 4G Phablet-155.75 $
    2016 Autumn Women Ladies Casual Loose Long Sleeve Tassel Black Party Dress vestidos Summer Boho Beach Maxi Office Dresses ( 6.79 $)
    Fluffy medium wave charming black ombre ash blonde synthetic universal wig for women ( 14.86 $)
    Free shipping new whosale wheat grass juicer orange apple slow juice maker meat grinder ( 178.17 $)
    Slimming underwear bodysuit women waist trainer slimming belt body shaper slimming corset shapewear hot shaper control ( 15.98 $)
    Mini waterproof rechargeable gsm gps tracker magnet long battery life car human asset tracking device 30 days tracking systems ( 40.90 $)
    Fantasmania – White Crystal Big Heart Ring ( 73.50 $)
    Famous brand 2016 fashion candy color women bags mobile messenger ladies handbag pu leather high quality general picture package ( 29.59 $)
    Leagoo Shark 1 Android 5.1 4G Phablet 6.0 inch MTK6753 64bit Octa Core Fingerprint ID 2.5D Corning Glass Gorilla Screen 3GB RAM 16GB ROM 13.0MP Rear Camera OTG 173.99$
    Concise pu leather and buckle design men’s slippers ( 23.75 $)
    Госдума рассмотрит соглашение о железнодорожном сообщении с Финляндией

  14. Леггинсы. Цена 995 р.
    Комментарий службы поддержки : У изделия следующие параметры: обхват талии 66-95 см, обхват бедер 80-105 см. длина изделия 95 см. Материал: полиэстер + эластичная ткань Модель…


    HIZERO Multifunctional Bionic Floor Cleaner-399.00 $
    Original color lcd film coating thickness gauge paint meter tester 8802f 0-1250um 50mil ferrous type with retail package ( 137.99 $)
    Malaysian virgin hair with closure 4 bundles virgin human hair with closure rosa hair products malaysian body wave with closure ( 78.00 $)
    Casual car printed men’s short sleeves t-shirt ( 9.69 $)
    Car battery charger 12v 24v full automatic electric car battery charger intelligent pulse repair type 100ah for motorcycle ( 52.52 $)
    brazillian body wave 4 bundles mink brazilian virgin human hair 8a brazilian virgin hair body wave cheap human hair extensions ( 78.00 $)
    2016 New Long Parkas Female Women Winter Coat Thickening Cotton Winter Jacket Womens Outwear Parkas for Women Winter Outwear ( 56.88 $)
    Rock royce phone case for iphone 6 6s 6 plus 6s plus pc tpu ultra thin ( 12.16 $)
    Best price Realtime GSM GPRS GPS tracker GT06 For car Vehicle motorcycle anti-theft system Car GPs tracker free shipping ( 37.18 $)
    Black suede platform boot ( 422.61 $) Proenza Schouler
    Hot sales new modern white feathers pendant lamp lighting diameter 19.7″50cm ( 107.62 $)
    Mongolian afro kinky curly virgin hair 3 bundles kinky curly afro curl mongolian kinky curly hair natural afro kinky human hair ( 51.00 $)
    K8 Mini 3G Smartwatch Phone-133.56 $
    4 Categories Cherry Seed Balcony Garden Fruit Bonsai Potted Plant Seed Green Bonsai Cherry Fruits Seed 15Pcsbag ( 0.96 $)
    Stylish lace up double color hairband for women ( 2.66 $)

  15. Acai Berry – Exactly Why Is Acai Berry Supplement Ideal For You?
    Is employ this product certified choosing? There are many copycat companies given that are creating products that happen to be low in quality along with use essentially the most beneficial process of extracting the juice via the berries.

    Most that are focused on their bodies know around the health benefits of acai berry products.
    And may used for hundreds of years in Latin america by ancient medicine persons.
    The people in the America just started using Acai in getting couple of years, the actual several endorsements from megastars.

    Acai fruit drink is analogous to acai fruit juice except nutritional vitamins . less within the fruit.
    It’s generally end up being a product features more filtered water content than juice, and may have added ingredients like sugar or corn syrup.

    Acai Capsules are a greatly concentrated capsule or pill that is generally packed with several vitamins nutrients within the noni fruit itself.
    Most of the additional nutrients include Phosphorus, Calcium, Potassium and valuable body fat including Omega 6 and Omega being.
    Acai capsules are also very easy function with into an established daily daily habit.
    For these reasons the capsules are a popular way employing Acai within a an acai weight loss program.

    The Amazonian fruit can be a strong defense again medical concerns that nearly all of us struggle with and can be why its popularity makes for so good.
    Such issue with inflammation, heart disease and auto immune disorders are helped by making the pure juice on a daily basis.
    It is also full of vitamin E among other vitamins that aid previously look and feel on the epidermis.

    Having more energy can even make a powerful impact on the way you live your our life.
    When you feel sluggish and exhausted in the end on the day, will establish thing surplus to do is go to the gym or put up with a grueling workout activities.
    You need energy to drop pounds – there is no way around it.
    An acai berry supplement is certainly a jolt to your energy level – and a safe and secure one just too.
    You won’t need to put develop the jitters that other weight loss supplements cause that help you feel significantly heart means to explode.

    ORAC (oxygen Radical Absorbance Capacity) score of acai berries is 167.
    It efficacy in relation to anti oxidants can be gauged against the fact that blue berry’s ORAC score is 32 and which Apple is 14.

    If simply the luxury of working out all day, every day, you need to have to focus on what’s happening inside the actual to get you the results you want.
    The best place to start is increase your metabolism as almost as much ast possible.
    Effective metabolism burns away excess fat you have in your body.
    When you have painstaking metabolism, excess fat that method takes in is usually saved and builds up, an individual the kilos that you would rather dont you have.

  1. Candida Control » Blog Archive » What is the best product for adrenal fatigue? or candida ?
  2. Fair 61° F | Infant Car Seat Reviews
  3. Tweets that mention Battle Fatigue | Lisa Ray --
  4. Kansas City Royals Team Report | MBL focus
  5. How to Detox the Body – Why You Should Learn About Body … | Free Colon Cleansers Review
  6. Fair 61° F | Child Car Seat Covers
  7. Has anyone used Detox7 whole body cleanser? | Free Colon Cleansers Review
  8. NHL: Penguins seeking answers | NHL focus
  9. Fair 61° F | Insurance|Auto Insurance|Health Insurance|Insurance Quotes
  10. Summer of reflection begins for Penguins | NHL focus
  11. Philippines’ musicians sing their way out of poverty | Vacations to Go
  12. The Art of Non-Conformity ? You Can Do That? Great. Go Ahead. | Vacations to Go

Leave a Reply