Lisa Ray

The Yellow Diaries

Back to Business

Back to the business of blogging

It’s been a while. Of moving from highlight to highlight. And then not writing about it. Cause the heart is not simply suspended in a body. It’s also linked to time and place.  So there’s a heavy in my chest, after all these months of membership in the Cancer Club. And if there’s a way to separate it all, I haven’t figured that one out.

‘Take a break.’

That’s Doc Galal. First appointment after the stem cell transplant.

‘I mean now take a break from the disease. No thinking about cancer, no writing about cancer, no talking about it either.’

Sure thing Doc. Except…

Minutes ago, in the waiting room, a row of faces swivelled towards me as I sat down.

‘Are you Lisa?’ Pleasant expressions up and down the line.

‘Ah, yes.’ Flash of pride.

A pause. Barometer changes. Brows lower.

‘Update your blog.’


I’m pulling myself from the wreckage of my body. Operation stem cell reboot is a morphine-memory. My blood counts climb, I no longer count an IV pole as my closest companion, my father is relieved of his cot duty and I’ve banked all six seasons of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

No offense Larry, but I’d rather not see you for a while.

So why the anxiety now?

I’m touching shadow instead of  bright. Having less real problems and more imaginary ones.

The crisis is over but the healing has just begun.

And dammit if there isn’t a protocol for how to witness your own rebirth.

Amidst all the mixed signals, Jess points me in the direction of some relief.

Go see Anne Davis. She’s gifted in the ways of the body.

Anne is a cranial sacral therapist. My mind is so busy these days, I have no space to admit the ‘what’. I’ve never tried this therapy before and I’d rather know nothing about it. I want to melt into the bed and leave the sentences at the door.

But wouldn’t you know it. Anne spreads me thinner than a shrimp roll wrapper and then she speaks..

This is your time to sit back and watch. The period of action and treatment is over. It’s like you have thrown a pebble into the lake, now you only need to set an intention and watch the ripples.

Cool. A hint.

I take this as a cue to leave Canada.

I hope I’m not running away. In my experience the act of physically extracting oneself from a confusing situation means you end up carrying all your baggage with you . And I don’t mean the checked in kind.

But this idea of simply being, getting out of my own way, is appealing. Certainly less action oriented than ‘picking up the pieces’. And while nobody offers a blueprint on what to do after checking out of the Cancer club, the idea is that you do something.


Maybe I need a mission statement. I’ve taken to reading a lot of self-help, financial books in the vein of ‘Rich Dad, Poor Dad’. And it seems that to be wildly successful, you need to have some sort of plan. Which never occurred to me before.

So here goes…

I want to make visible what wasn’t before.


from a Borges poem which Sol sent:

I’ll try to make more mistakes- I won’t try to be so perfect.

Probably won’t find that in the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

Somewhere, somehow the pursuit of perfection has lodged itself in my very marrow. From making lists to vaulting over myself to achieve, these manifestations of a lack have seeped into the deepest, most secret part of myself.

A lack.

If I don’t try to be perfect, it will mean that I am.

All I’m trying to say is that I do not want the Cancer to come back.

Therefore something must change from before.

See- I have become more logical. Thanks Robert Kiyosaki.

I’m reminded of Michael Pinto the undertaker in Bombay.

‘Grave Problems Resurrected here’

That’s so not gonna happen.

Not on my resurrection.

That’s why I’m posting from Landour. Seven thousand five hundred feet above sea level.

Or according to the Lal Tibba Binocular Complex:

‘Highest peak of mussorie  from where you can see an exhilarating all around view of the Himalayan ranges through the most powerful binoculars.’

I’m in India. Posting from a higher place.

To see what I didn’t see before.

Most exhilarating view.

So this new chapter opens with a message from Aarti calling for Rado…

Oops. Dinnertime here at Landour.

More tomorrow…

Previous post
Leave one

2,311 Responses

  1. As of 2010, all current Black – Berry mobile phones are
    suitable for Microsoft Office Outlook.

  2. science writers
    essay writing service
    business plan buy sell
    custom essay

  3. wh0cd311816 clomid

  4. To encourage the ability to build canned responses, click on the gear icon from the upper-right corner
    from the web page and select.

  5. If you aren't satisfied with the item you got via Pay – Pal, it is
    possible to request a refund to your purchase.

  6. Of course, in the event you look at web begging or internet begging as being a good
    method to contact millionaires offering free money, this is just one
    example of what you are able to write whenever you make
    your legitimate get help.

  7. You may also compress files with a zip utility program.
    It comes with email notifications as well as the ability to.

  8. Then select “Transfer Funds From a Bank Account within the United States” link.

  9. The player emerges 2 minutes and 14 seconds to come up with several new words as you can.

  10. Good post. I learn something new and challenging on blogs I stumbleupon everyday.
    It will always be helpful to read content from other authors
    and practice a little something from other sites.

  11. Great post. I was checking constantly this blog and I’m impressed!
    Extremely useful info specifically the last part :) I care for such info
    much. I was looking for this certain info for a very long time.
    Thank you and good luck.

  12. How to Move Emails From Outlook Express with a USB Drive;.

  13. When you try to Facebook's webpage to register, the mandatory
    fields around the page request your email address and your.

  14. Can You Reduce Minimum Credit Card Payments Without Affecting Credit.
    Not only creates this change approach verify the greeting
    card, nevertheless it also makes sure the buyer has enough funds to
    pay the entire fuel purchase.

  15. Downloading i – Tunes songs onto an electronic digital MP3
    player lets you take your chosen music along with you anywhere.
    The i – Tunes desktop application may be the Apple-developed player, organizer and synchronization program for Apple
    media devices, such as i – Pods, i – Phones and Apple TV.

  16. next payday advance reviews
    personal loans
    cash fast
    payday loans online

  17. fast loan approval
    payday loans online
    payday loans now
    cash advance

  18. las vegas payday loans online
    loans for bad credit
    short term loans texas
    loans for bad credit

  19. easiest payday loan to get
    cash advance
    cash to go
    payday loans online

Leave a Reply