Lisa Ray

The Yellow Diaries

Back to Business

Back to the business of blogging

It’s been a while. Of moving from highlight to highlight. And then not writing about it. Cause the heart is not simply suspended in a body. It’s also linked to time and place.  So there’s a heavy in my chest, after all these months of membership in the Cancer Club. And if there’s a way to separate it all, I haven’t figured that one out.

‘Take a break.’

That’s Doc Galal. First appointment after the stem cell transplant.

‘I mean now take a break from the disease. No thinking about cancer, no writing about cancer, no talking about it either.’

Sure thing Doc. Except…

Minutes ago, in the waiting room, a row of faces swivelled towards me as I sat down.

‘Are you Lisa?’ Pleasant expressions up and down the line.

‘Ah, yes.’ Flash of pride.

A pause. Barometer changes. Brows lower.

‘Update your blog.’

Buh.

I’m pulling myself from the wreckage of my body. Operation stem cell reboot is a morphine-memory. My blood counts climb, I no longer count an IV pole as my closest companion, my father is relieved of his cot duty and I’ve banked all six seasons of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

No offense Larry, but I’d rather not see you for a while.

So why the anxiety now?

I’m touching shadow instead of  bright. Having less real problems and more imaginary ones.

The crisis is over but the healing has just begun.

And dammit if there isn’t a protocol for how to witness your own rebirth.

Amidst all the mixed signals, Jess points me in the direction of some relief.

Go see Anne Davis. She’s gifted in the ways of the body.

Anne is a cranial sacral therapist. My mind is so busy these days, I have no space to admit the ‘what’. I’ve never tried this therapy before and I’d rather know nothing about it. I want to melt into the bed and leave the sentences at the door.

But wouldn’t you know it. Anne spreads me thinner than a shrimp roll wrapper and then she speaks..

This is your time to sit back and watch. The period of action and treatment is over. It’s like you have thrown a pebble into the lake, now you only need to set an intention and watch the ripples.

Cool. A hint.

I take this as a cue to leave Canada.

I hope I’m not running away. In my experience the act of physically extracting oneself from a confusing situation means you end up carrying all your baggage with you . And I don’t mean the checked in kind.

But this idea of simply being, getting out of my own way, is appealing. Certainly less action oriented than ‘picking up the pieces’. And while nobody offers a blueprint on what to do after checking out of the Cancer club, the idea is that you do something.

Anything?

Maybe I need a mission statement. I’ve taken to reading a lot of self-help, financial books in the vein of ‘Rich Dad, Poor Dad’. And it seems that to be wildly successful, you need to have some sort of plan. Which never occurred to me before.

So here goes…

I want to make visible what wasn’t before.

Or…

from a Borges poem which Sol sent:

I’ll try to make more mistakes- I won’t try to be so perfect.

Probably won’t find that in the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

Somewhere, somehow the pursuit of perfection has lodged itself in my very marrow. From making lists to vaulting over myself to achieve, these manifestations of a lack have seeped into the deepest, most secret part of myself.

A lack.

If I don’t try to be perfect, it will mean that I am.

All I’m trying to say is that I do not want the Cancer to come back.

Therefore something must change from before.

See- I have become more logical. Thanks Robert Kiyosaki.

I’m reminded of Michael Pinto the undertaker in Bombay.

‘Grave Problems Resurrected here’

That’s so not gonna happen.

Not on my resurrection.

That’s why I’m posting from Landour. Seven thousand five hundred feet above sea level.

Or according to the Lal Tibba Binocular Complex:

‘Highest peak of mussorie  from where you can see an exhilarating all around view of the Himalayan ranges through the most powerful binoculars.’

I’m in India. Posting from a higher place.

To see what I didn’t see before.

Most exhilarating view.

So this new chapter opens with a message from Aarti calling for Rado…

Oops. Dinnertime here at Landour.

More tomorrow…

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2,027 Responses

  1. < ![CDATA[Glad to see you again..

    miss you so much

    fan from Thailand.]]>

  2. < ![CDATA[I started to visit your blog after reading a write up in India today magazine...good to see you in positive spirit. and spreading positive energy to the world...hope and pray that you get well soon...]]>

  3. < ![CDATA[your journey to this point has been difficult. It is time to take a break from the past so you can view your future.]]>

  4. < ![CDATA[Holaaa, soy de Argentina, y me alegro recibir noticias tuyas, no sé inglés. Besos y Fuerza en ese lugar tan maravilloso!!.]]>

  5. < ![CDATA[After the day to day scramble of creating the physical healing has ended and you are left alone with your fears, anxieties and the desire to still hope, it can feel like the hardest part. Glad to see you back in touch! Your spirit remains as lovely as always.]]>

  6. < ![CDATA[Let's take a break!
    it's good to know sth about you now

    with love a lot :)]]>

  7. < ![CDATA[Thank you Lisa - I'm really glad you are well enough to enlighten us again with your words. I don't want the cancer to come back either. Can we get a pic too if it isn't too much. Thank you for coming back.]]>

  8. < ![CDATA[I don´t even know where to begin and I just want to tell you in the firs place that you´re one of the most wonderful, and beautiful from inside and outside person and actress that I have ever seen, Lisa. (Sorry if my english is not so good, I´m from Brazil)... And this blog of yours makes me admire you even more, your strenght is beautiful! I know that I don´t know you, but seeing all that you write, all that you say... I just wanna thank you for not just showing all the strenght and how amazing you are but helping a lot of people in this world, because I´m sure that you are helping them too with the things you say... All your fans are here for you too, like I am... admiring you and hoping that you´ll be ok, ´cause you will!!!!!!! :)

    Sincerely,

    Laura]]>

  9. < ![CDATA[Mmmm, India sounds good:)]]>

  10. < ![CDATA[Lisa!!! I'm so glad to hear your words! And I'm glad you're up in the Himalayas watching from another perspective! I laughed loudly when I read that you'd watched all six seasons of Curb Your Enthusiasm as you healed because as another ex-member of the cancer club, I was recovering from a surgery the last few weeks and was addicted to Curb Your Enthusiasm as I healed!! I haven't made it through all six seasons, though. Anyway, I'm so happy to hear about your progress! I have had some insight (dare I call it an epiphany) in the past week that I'd love to share with you if you want. It definitely has to do with getting out of your own way! It came as visual images and then my mind put it together. My email should be attached, so if you send me a quick note to say yes, I'll email you my insight. It would be too long to clutter this post with (not that long, but a page or so). Much love and healing to you Lisa!!! Thank you for sharing your personal journey! You're brilliant and alive!]]>

  11. < ![CDATA[it is always nice to see people fighting and winning. the best thing that happened to u, now u r near to commoners. be like this. u know only the bitter side of life can make u feel the sweeter side of life. now u know, so value this. everybody showered love, now its ur turn]]>

  12. < ![CDATA[Hey Liz!
    Welcome in VASANT( the Spring)
    So happy to know you are back....missed you buddy.You know Liz,the Himalaya heals much more than any medicine.May you flourish in this spring with beautiful poems.Love and Best wishes.
    Falguni]]>

  13. < ![CDATA[I must say its really calming when you win after a difficult battle. You come out wiser than before. More mature, more sensible and more respectful for what you have.

    Life gets a meaning for you. Isn't it so. "Therefore something must change from before".....very true...It will change.

    And Thanks to you for posting .....people should learn and take life seriously and respect what they have.

    Very true lines......

    Rehne De asma zameen ki talash kar
    zindagi hai teri kimti bahut
    tu use har tarah pyar kar
    Har aarzu poori ho to jeene ka kya maza,
    Jeene ke liye bas ek kami talaash kar....]]>

  14. < ![CDATA[lisa, so glad that you are better and writing again.. take care... i was in mussoorie in jan and loved it...heal well... love and hugs]]>

  15. < ![CDATA[thanks to them who said you to update your blog.....]]>

  16. < ![CDATA[i think the word is world.....]]>

  17. < ![CDATA[soooo good to have a post from you and to hear of your recovery and the well deserved rest!

    enjoy India, enjoy your rest --- as always waiting for your next post :)]]>

  18. < ![CDATA[Heyyyyyy...gr8 tht u r finally back with a bang..well normally bangs have some after affect till all slows down & settles like the Big Bang !! ;) :)

    And as people say 'don't visit pain lanes & no grouching' as grouche pulls down the soul & morals.....so better tring all new things because there are so many new mistakes to make so why to repeat the old mistakes !!!!! ;)

    Its great 2 c tht u r doing all new stuff.....so just go for all new mistakes !!!.. :) ;) & no need to think about perfection coz perfect people never worry on PERFECTION !! :) ;)

    So just enjoy Mussorie as now its very pleasant there ........

    :) :) :)....hv a pleasant stay...jst njoyyyyyyyyyyy !!!!!!!]]>

  19. < ![CDATA[You write so beautifully, an actress and a poet :)

    I have both your movies with Sheetal Sheth on order. And when I watch them I will be sending metta your way. Enjoy the Himalaya. Many invisible fans think of you often.]]>

  20. < ![CDATA[Congratulations! Enjoy your time in India or wherever your heart takes you, you deserve it.]]>

  21. < ![CDATA[What a wonderful way to start the day -- a long awaited letter from my best friend away at camp. Camp soul survivor! Memories of the impatience of youth. The relief of knowing that you haven't drowned in the lake whilst attempting water walking! Relax enjoy -- your summer mornings will be many.Surf the tide of love and healing surging your way. Blog? Genius idea.
    Blessings, Susan]]>

  22. < ![CDATA[So glad to read you're recovering. Inshallah u will u don't have to be perfect slow down and enjoy n let things fall in place. Live long, remember you're blessed you've got so many fans all over the world n u may not even know who is praying for u... I'm in this part of the world, in Pakistan, from the bottom of my hear wish u a speedy recovery. Love you, God bless you. Wajiha Afridi, Karachi, Pakistan!]]>

  23. < ![CDATA[Hola tambien soy una de las personas que se sienten en unidad con Lisa Ray , se que ganara la batalla por que muchos hemos orado por ella y Dios siempre responde , pasara el tiempo y ella sera muy agradecida al Señor de los Ejercitos quien vive para siempre y su amor es eterno . Le amo en Cristo Jesus quien nos amo primero . Lisa realmente te admiro .]]>

  24. < ![CDATA[Thank you for sharing this experience, I admire your courage. Everything better all the time.

    Kisses and hugs.]]>

  25. < ![CDATA[I align with your intentions of health and healing and new visions of what your new life will be... see "The Intenders" website for further ways to "intend" and it may lead you to becoming more... Namaste]]>

  26. < ![CDATA[Thank you for devoting the time to write your fans. Your an amazing person!

    Here's a joke to make you smile:

    What do you call a person who is MAD for chocolate?

    A coconut.]]>

  27. < ![CDATA[That could not have been more eloquently put Lisa. Good luck in your quest. I'll be thinking about you.]]>

  28. < ![CDATA[Lisa - thank you for sharing this with us. your words are beautiful and beyond inspiring.... what a beautiful human being you are.... :o)]]>

  29. < ![CDATA[May God look after you. And thank you for sharing with us and making us smile. You are thoughtful and funny and smart... we all want to hear more from you. Keep writing!]]>

  30. < ![CDATA[Hello my wonderful sunshine:):*:*:*and welcome home:)

    Thank God you're okay.

    Hey .. you are a very strong person and I admire you a lot. I know that You Can win everything ...
    and I Believe in you...

    I know,you pass through a tough time ... is not easy to reinvent yourself, but you found the strength to do it:) I'm proud of you...You are a model for a lot of person...even for me:)

    so,don't loose your faith..You must have trust in yourself and in people around you...who loves you,who supports you,prays for you...You must think positive all the time...

    cry if you need to do that...the tears frees the soul of pain...and make you feel more easy...

    try to get all wonderful things from everything suround you and do not forget to laugh..."a day when you did not shave is a day lost"...

    oh..sorry..i think you recive a lot of advices and I think you're sick of them:))

    Well..then,I wish you a wonderful night...and take care of you...and enjoy your time in India:):*
    Good bless you:*:X:X:X
    Alexandra]]>

  31. < ![CDATA[I'm Giselli Cordova(Brazil),hi princess Lisa,you are an inspiration to many of us,your strenght and courage are exceptional you are truelywonderful women.I love you,kiss]]>

  32. < ![CDATA[I love you,I love you,I love you,I love you,I love you,I love you.I love you,I love you,I love you,I love you.I love you,I love you,I love you,Ilove you,I love you,I love you]]>

  33. < ![CDATA[hi lisa,

    just read your blog...ever since I realised my existence it we
    Was my dream to be in contact with you some how some way...unfortunately news of ur disease broke my heart and started making serious effort towards it. Reading what u wrote was like talking to ur soul..... And of course u r now moving forward in life and which other place can be better than the lap of himalayas to start a life again.....look forward to know more abt u...

    All of us need to make more mistakes to discover more abt life.

    Rahul]]>

  34. < ![CDATA[Hello Beautiful...

    Thanks for writing again. We miss you!]]>

  35. < ![CDATA[Yippeeeeeee glad to know about u :) Publish a book girl.. U are truely a strong person! Its ur stregth and will that made it possible ( offcourse technology too + insurance + prayers from over the globe) :) Im sure u cant read every comment but Thank God ! What a relief to know about it ! :D Ull still be in our prayers! :)]]>

  36. < ![CDATA[Omg..finally!I was soooo worried..actually,I saw ur interview on youtube,2 weeks ago..but..it wasn't the same..glad ur back!Enjoy in India..mwa <3]]>

  37. < ![CDATA[So great to hear from you Lisa!
    Enjoy India and take good care of yourself.
    Love,
    Pascaline

    PS: not time for dinner yet in Paris, but I'm starving!]]>

  38. < ![CDATA[Hello

    Since our beloved Lisa has been diagnosed with MM, she has received overwhelming love from supporting fans. Because of Lisa's incredible braveness and openness we all have had a chance to get a glimpse of what Lisa has been going through... the cancer treatment and the stem cell
    transplant. Lisa has inspired so many fans that want to show their love, support and gratitude in appreciation.

    Lisa is a very proud person, she doesn't want anyone's money or gifts even though she is deeply appreciative of the love, support and concern from fans. I know, as a fan, I felt the frustration because I just wish there is something I could do to help Lisa, even if it might be in very small way. So after long discussions and planning, we finally have a plan that will be benefit Lisa in a direct and effective way.

    Many of you may already know EP is in the process to producing audio books of ICTS and TWU. And the most exciting part of that is Lisa will be the narrator. With Shamim and Hana's generosity, Lisa will ultimately receive 50% of the profits of the sale of the audio books. Like any project there will be an investment involved. Many of you may know, even with the overwhelming responses to ICTS and TWU, EP hasn't been able to pay off the investment because of the illegal downloading. That is why Lisa, Sheetal and Shamim have not received their share of any profits from those projects. To prevent that from happening again, we came up with this idea to help Lisa so that she could benefit from the project while she is still unemployed and still recovering from her cancer. That is our intention so that Lisa has some income while she is not working or pressured to work hard during her recovery. EP has set up the Pay Pal account to raise funds to fund the audio book project. The money will go to the 50% of Lisa's share of the investment which will enable Lisa be able to get paid as soon as the audio books start to sell.

    As we are all fans of Lisa, we want to help her and we also want to be very respectful of her wishes, because she doesn't want any fan to send her money directly. But this plan has Lisa's approval and blessing. Lisa will autograph a photo from the film for those who donate funds as a way to show her deep appreciation.

    Here is information for PayPal account as 'Enlightenment Press Ltd'

    The email for payments is shamim@enlightenment-productions.com

    Please go to PayPal.com then go to “send money” page.

    EP will send each person an acknowledgement of receipt of funds once received. Those funds will be use for the cost for the recording studio time, the artwork, the implementation for digital sales, the mastering of the CD with the artwork and of course the packaging & manufacturing costs. When EP have the final budget, EP will be happy to share those costs with the fans who are donating to Lisa to be re-assured that the money was wisely spent.

    Thanks,

    Nairong Zong]]>

  39. < ![CDATA[Welcome back. :) May your remission be long.

    I think you can break as well as blog. Writing may be a potion to assist healing. Your prose stands out as more than words and news; it reveals a heart that must bleed some.

    Your mind and spirit are traveling to extraordinary realms, more extraordinary even than Landour. That's the scenery I see in what you write and it's beautiful.

    http://goodbloodbadblood.wordpress.com/>

  40. < ![CDATA[Lisa I am so happy to hear that you are doing well. It sounds like you are where you need to be. I can hear the calmness and peacefullness in your writing. Your Doc's advise was wonderfull we all need a break from ourselves. In fact why not let others do the work for you. I will be praying and sending all my positive energy to you and your misbehaving cells. Relax and enjoy India!]]>

  41. < ![CDATA[Habibti,

    "All I’m trying to say is that I do not want the Cancer to come back"...

    Good decision, of course.

    If you do not want it to come back, not make.

    Because your not allow it.

    Good decision too...

    Hugs to you always,

    Ximena.]]>

  42. < ![CDATA[Lisa, happy to find that you are back to blogging. Visted your blog every day and it was great to be rewarded with your thoughtful insights today. You are a wonderful person. Relax and enjoy the Himalayas and do give us a peek from time to time in your life. You are an inspiration to many.]]>

  43. < ![CDATA["¡Salud, Dinero, y Amor!" Health, Money, & Love! The most common toast in Español, "To You, Para Lisa!!!" Let me take a tiny liberty here, to speak for a triad, Jan from West Hollywood/Torrance, a dearest who goes by "Xena" from Eagle Rock, & myself from Hollywood/Puerto Rico, 3 very yellow women, all surrounded by the mountains of Santa Mónica and Verdugo, glorious California mountains who also cradle the leader of our hue, Aida.
    We want the money to flow your way. We want to read these diaries on a fisrt edition. Here's to our dream! We are only 3 or 4 of millions more, I'm sure.
    As for me, I am delighted to be part of this community in cyberspace, thank you to our brainstorm eye, Lisa.
    Infinito amor, amor del que mueve montañas para/por tí. ¡Un abrazo inmenso!...]]>

  44. < ![CDATA[hi lisa

    do read books by esther-jerry hicks, the law of attraction and ask and it is given..these books have powerful messages for everybody..

    praying for your speedy recovery.

    god bless.

    regards
    mariam]]>

  45. < ![CDATA[This is my first time posting. What a great way to start my day. I was really missing you and wondering how you were. We Love you and we are here for you. You are on our hearts and minds. Can't wait to read more from you tomorrow, your writing always takes my breath away. I want to share this song with you. It has a great message from the Queen of Salsa: Celia Cruz.

    Todo aquel que piense que la vida es desigual,
    tiene que saber que no es asi,
    que la vida es una hermosura, hay que vivirla.
    Todo aquel que piense que esta solo y que esta mal,
    tiene que saber que no es asi,
    que en la vida no hay nadie solo, siempre hay alguien.

    Ay, no ha que llorar, que la vida es un carnaval,
    es mas bello vivir cantando.
    Oh, oh, oh, Ay, no hay que llorar,
    que la vida es un carnaval
    y las penas se van cantando.

    Todo aquel que piense que la vida siempre es cruel,
    tiene que saber que no es asi,
    que tan solo hay momentos malos, y todo pasa.
    Todo aquel que piense que esto nunca va a cambiar,
    tiene que saber que no es asi,
    que al mal tiempo buena cara, y todo pasa.

    Ay, no ha que llorar, que la vida es un carnaval,
    es mas bello vivir cantando.
    Oh, oh, oh, Ay, no hay que llorar,
    que la vida es un carnaval
    y las penas se van cantando.
    Para aquellos que se quejan tanto.
    Para aquellos que solo critican.
    Para aquellos que usan las armas.
    Para aquellos que nos contaminan.
    Para aquellos que hacen la guerra.
    Para aquellos que viven pecando.
    Para aquellos nos maltratan.
    Para aquellos que nos contagian.

    Translation:
    Everyone out there that thinks that life is unfair,
    Needs to know that's not the case,
    Because life is beautiful, you just have to live it.
    Everyone out there that thinks they are alone and they are bad
    Needs to know that's not the case,
    Because in life no one is alone, there is always someone

    Ay, there's no need to cry, because life is a carnival,
    It's more beautiful to live singing.
    Oh, Ay, there's no need to cry,
    For life is a carnival
    And your pains can be alleviated through song.

    Everyone out there that thinks that life is always harsh,
    Need to know that's not the case,
    That there are just bad times, and it will all pass.
    Everyone out there, that thinks that this will never change,
    Need to know that's not the case,
    The bad times will turn, it will all pass.

    Ay, there's no need to cry, because life is a carnival,
    It's more beautiful to live singing.
    Oh, Ay, there's no need to cry,
    For life is a carnival
    And your pains can be alleviated through song.
    For those that complain forever.
    For those that only criticize.
    For those that use weapons.
    For those that pollute us.
    For those that make war.
    For those that live in sin.
    For those that mistreat us.
    For those that make us sick.]]>

  46. < ![CDATA[Great to have you back Lisa, and wonderful to have you in India! And Landour is most certainly one of the most beautiful places - certainly very peaceful. Drop in at Ruskin Bond's and say hi to him - he is a delightful host who will serve you lovely hot tea and coconut biscuits:))]]>

  47. < ![CDATA[dear lisarani ray,
    u must visit himalayan view from ropeway,i want to meet u either in uttarakhand or in canada,pl give me yr convenient time & date ,dedicating few lines to u:

    I want to help you, I want to embrace you in a hug, so you know.
    I want to take away all your pains, and tears, to make you glow.
    We talk and you drink, we talk and you drink.
    Over and over, until you can't even really think.
    This makes me want to cry, as your slurs, turn to blurs.
    Drinking to stop from thinking, all that can be wrong.
    Drinking and slurring was my families favorite song.
    I want to help you, I want to embrace you in a hug, so you know.
    I want to take away all your pains, and tears, to make you glow.
    This may seem hard for you to understand,I can't play in your band.
    I left that life thirty years ago, swearing to never be a drunk.
    I have spent thirty years sleeping sober and striaght in my bunk.
    I deal with all that life throws at me through knowing I am strong.
    This doesn't make me better than you, I just know that its wrong.
    I want to help you, I want to embrace you in a hug, so you know.
    I want to take away all your pains, and tears, to make you glow.
    We have all had past experiences that hurt us to our core.
    Things we wish, they never happen, or times we wished we done more.
    But turning to a bottle will never change, what we refuse to see.
    Tomorrow will always wake you up, reminding you, you talked to me.
    Then all the problems you feel and think, lay, until you drink.
    I want to help you, I want to embrace you in a hug, so you know.
    I want to take away all your pains, and tears, to make you glow.
    The problem with your past-time, and here within this ryhme.
    Is that your drinking should be seen, like your comitting a crime.
    Because its stealing away more pieces of you, everytime you drink.
    Your ability to see yourself, and feel good about what you think.
    You allow your pains to stay, so you have reason to drink them away.
    I want to help you, I want to embrace you in a hug, so you know.
    I want to take away all your pains, and tears, to make you glow.
    I love you my friend, and I think you know that.
    But I have no miricles to pull out of my hat.
    This was all written to show you ONLY ONE SURE THING IS TRUE!
    NO-ONE CAN TAKE AWAY WHAT IS YOURS, IT MUST BE DONE BY YOU]]>

  48. < ![CDATA[Finally, until you update
    Dear lisa:) :)
    Are you ok?
    You should take good care of your body,
    Don't let her too tired, you know?
    We will always support you,Together with Nairong
    Always follower---myra from China
    Good luck for you]]>

  49. < ![CDATA[Great courage..................I feel a miserable''rat'' compared to you cause even living a tormented time you are still fighting for better days..........CONGRATULATIONS and tkxs for the msg!!!!

    Big kiss, God Bless You every second..............]]>

  50. < ![CDATA[lisa !!!!
    so much satisfies to have your news.
    we miss you much !!!
    take care
    kiss of france]]>

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