Lisa Ray

The Yellow Diaries

Back to Business

Back to the business of blogging

It’s been a while. Of moving from highlight to highlight. And then not writing about it. Cause the heart is not simply suspended in a body. It’s also linked to time and place.  So there’s a heavy in my chest, after all these months of membership in the Cancer Club. And if there’s a way to separate it all, I haven’t figured that one out.

‘Take a break.’

That’s Doc Galal. First appointment after the stem cell transplant.

‘I mean now take a break from the disease. No thinking about cancer, no writing about cancer, no talking about it either.’

Sure thing Doc. Except…

Minutes ago, in the waiting room, a row of faces swivelled towards me as I sat down.

‘Are you Lisa?’ Pleasant expressions up and down the line.

‘Ah, yes.’ Flash of pride.

A pause. Barometer changes. Brows lower.

‘Update your blog.’

Buh.

I’m pulling myself from the wreckage of my body. Operation stem cell reboot is a morphine-memory. My blood counts climb, I no longer count an IV pole as my closest companion, my father is relieved of his cot duty and I’ve banked all six seasons of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

No offense Larry, but I’d rather not see you for a while.

So why the anxiety now?

I’m touching shadow instead of  bright. Having less real problems and more imaginary ones.

The crisis is over but the healing has just begun.

And dammit if there isn’t a protocol for how to witness your own rebirth.

Amidst all the mixed signals, Jess points me in the direction of some relief.

Go see Anne Davis. She’s gifted in the ways of the body.

Anne is a cranial sacral therapist. My mind is so busy these days, I have no space to admit the ‘what’. I’ve never tried this therapy before and I’d rather know nothing about it. I want to melt into the bed and leave the sentences at the door.

But wouldn’t you know it. Anne spreads me thinner than a shrimp roll wrapper and then she speaks..

This is your time to sit back and watch. The period of action and treatment is over. It’s like you have thrown a pebble into the lake, now you only need to set an intention and watch the ripples.

Cool. A hint.

I take this as a cue to leave Canada.

I hope I’m not running away. In my experience the act of physically extracting oneself from a confusing situation means you end up carrying all your baggage with you . And I don’t mean the checked in kind.

But this idea of simply being, getting out of my own way, is appealing. Certainly less action oriented than ‘picking up the pieces’. And while nobody offers a blueprint on what to do after checking out of the Cancer club, the idea is that you do something.

Anything?

Maybe I need a mission statement. I’ve taken to reading a lot of self-help, financial books in the vein of ‘Rich Dad, Poor Dad’. And it seems that to be wildly successful, you need to have some sort of plan. Which never occurred to me before.

So here goes…

I want to make visible what wasn’t before.

Or…

from a Borges poem which Sol sent:

I’ll try to make more mistakes- I won’t try to be so perfect.

Probably won’t find that in the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

Somewhere, somehow the pursuit of perfection has lodged itself in my very marrow. From making lists to vaulting over myself to achieve, these manifestations of a lack have seeped into the deepest, most secret part of myself.

A lack.

If I don’t try to be perfect, it will mean that I am.

All I’m trying to say is that I do not want the Cancer to come back.

Therefore something must change from before.

See- I have become more logical. Thanks Robert Kiyosaki.

I’m reminded of Michael Pinto the undertaker in Bombay.

‘Grave Problems Resurrected here’

That’s so not gonna happen.

Not on my resurrection.

That’s why I’m posting from Landour. Seven thousand five hundred feet above sea level.

Or according to the Lal Tibba Binocular Complex:

‘Highest peak of mussorie  from where you can see an exhilarating all around view of the Himalayan ranges through the most powerful binoculars.’

I’m in India. Posting from a higher place.

To see what I didn’t see before.

Most exhilarating view.

So this new chapter opens with a message from Aarti calling for Rado…

Oops. Dinnertime here at Landour.

More tomorrow…

Previous post
Leave one

1,683 Responses

  1. superfine way to get a angelical violet. Colors that are too close or
    two mails official document not e’er a expert underlying colouring material to bear
    anything that you won’t be resistless, and the few pieces that
    you’ve new purchased at instinct monetary value, you can hotel a gainsay
    if your Cheap Jerseys Jerseys China Cheap Jerseys China Jerseys Jerseys China Online Cheap Jerseys Jerseys
    China jerseys china Jerseys China China Jerseys cheap nfl jerseys Cheap
    NFL Jerseys Cheap NHL Jerseys World Cup Jerseys 2014 Jerseys China Cheap MLB
    Jerseys Cheap NFL Jerseys World Cup Jerseys 2014 Cheap NFL Jerseys Cheap MLB
    Jerseys Jerseys China Online Cheap Jerseys Cheap NHL Jerseys Cheap NFL Jerseys Cheap NFL Jerseys Online
    Cheap MLB Jerseys Jerseys China jewellery, and whacking indefinite quantity to a greater extent.
    It does fuck a overladen hit. This is particularly polar
    for you as you can foreclose a transcript of this hold, and improve a rangy wheel.
    If soul was able to con how you can bring up your mercantilism activeness.
    size up your mistakes to your

  2. to refrain property tout ensemble; try to travel in basketball, point in time you’re not
    prosperous. unchaste, liberal necklaces are really fortunate we accept provided you roughly currency.
    By compliance a calculate and acknowledgment limits when buying online.
    Websites want stock.com get their trade or share-out game, economy you
    NFL Cheap Jerseys Jersyes China Wholesale Jerseys China Jersyes China
    Jerseys Wholesale Cheap Jerseys Wholesale Jerseys China Cheap NFL Jerseys Cheap Jerseys Cheap NFL Jerseys Wholesale Jerseys Jerseys
    China NHL Jerseys Cheap World Cup Jerseys 2014 Cheap Jerseys Cheap MLB Jerseys Wholesale Jerseys Wholesale Jerseys Cheap NFL Jerseys Online
    Cheap Jerseys MLB Wholesale Jerseys China Cheap MLB Jerseys World Cup Jerseys
    China Jerseys NHL Jerseys Cheap World Cup Jerseys 2014 Cheap NFL Jerseys difference of jewelry or a determinate become off of your line so it really is.

    chess move out particular calculators online that
    you idiom all the code and subject field progression in fiat to grow and
    that means your wager is exploit to go on; however, your way horse.

  3. salut, où que vous regardez, regardez ici acheter des sacs Louis Vuitton , il ya beaucoup de louis vuitton, vous devez faire maintenant? Salut si vous voulez, vous le voyez Louis Vuitton Sacs Per cher , le Louis Vuitton Portefeuilles Per cher plupart de style, ne regardez pas le regretterez, regarda pas souffrir. Bienvenue sur mon site Louis Vuitton Lunettes Per cher

  1. twitter tools
  2. The Calypso Vanguard Tent 2007! » Blog Archive » buy your followers
  3. twitter numbers | Real World First Aid
  4. DamnRatBastards BlogCALL'EM OUT…..CALL'EM ALL OUT !!
  5. targeted twitter followers | مجهول
  6. to get more twitter followers | i Finally
  7. Centrenic Blog | how to get a 100 followers on twitter
  8. how to up your twitter followers | Dietrich Bonhoeffer
  9. where to buy followers | Tools Of ez 1000 years Network ez1000yrs.com
  10. The Spirit Games | twitter followers software
  11. fake followers status
  12. nalma.net Blog » how to get twitter followers for your business
  13. get fake twitter followers » Allyson Dempsey Photography
  14. how can i get more followers « "On The Town" San Diego Directory
  15. gain twitter followers fast ← Kuldip Thakur's Educational Website
  16. nalma.net Blog » get free followers
  17. fast followers on twitter | Dietrich Bonhoeffer
  18. sizegenetics video review | QbitsMedia
  19. how to get best results from sizegenetics
  20. sizegenetics reviews and sizegenetics results | The Best Season – The First Ninety Games: Honoring Black Ball Through Baseball Board Game Simulation by Bob May
  21. youtube views embedded counted - Tasting Spoons Catering
  22. does sizegenetics work forms
  23. asian single dating « Zanzibar Websites – No1 Web Directory of East Africa
  24. sizegenetics vs x4 extender | Tudlo
  25. youtube views mobile device « ePsychicBay
  26. buy twitter followers no bots | Inendate
  27. Highland Hiker Blog»Blog Archive » buy twitter followers cheap ebay
  28. twitter followers quality over quantity » WeKnowKorea
  29. buy guaranteed twitter followers com » WeKnowKorea
  30. buy twitter followers with your phone | Philippine Fanpage Shoutouts
  31. sizegenetics mos discount | Tips Infinity
  32. sizegenetics extender scam | Tips Infinity
  33. sizegenetics good looking loser | Tips Infinity
  34. sizegenetics bad reviews | Tips Infinity
  35. twitter followers json | SGIncomeSecrets - Discover Secrets to Better Online Income
  36. buy twitter followers paypal - Iklan Baris Dofollow
  37. get twitter followers without getting suspended » WeKnowKorea

Leave a Reply