Lisa Ray

The Yellow Diaries

Category: The Yellow Diaries

Operation Reboot Continued

Keep your chin up. Like a nosebleed.
I got that off facebook.
Light precipitation tonight. All over my pillow. Every morning I wake to tickle from disengaged follicles. My hair is falling, my hair is falling! Evidence. Finally! The little piles make me think of the pleasant tangles washed up on the beach of Georgian Bay. Each [...]

Ellen's Lawn

I’m back
I never left but I’ve been busy. Committing my flesh one place while my mind goes somewhere else.
Like yesterday. Critiquing another hospital drop ceiling, while a radioactive marker circulates in my blood. Par example. Why are ceilings not more user friendly?  Or counting to three and going to that tranquil pasture in my head [...]

Mane Tamer

Evening before my stem cell harvest, I open ‘The Winter Vault’
‘No two facts are too far apart to be put together’ Anne Michaels writes.
Witness then, my exaltation.
And my fear.
Side by side on a bench. Thighs touching.
My enthusiasm and my exhaustion. Cuffed to each other like greasy inmates. Origins long forgotten.
Me and Bobcat-man.
I have to start [...]

Bloom'ng Chair

Woke up.
Got out of bed.
(Did not) drag a comb across my head.
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup
And somebody spoke and I went into a dream…
share shock.
It was a gathering of Yellow Hearts even if they didn’t know it. A singular experience to walk down University Ave with no honkers. Imagine a city without [...]

Ring my Bell

Today is Diwali. The Festival of Lights in India. In the night we light oil lamps to signify the victory of good over evil within an individual.
And then you gamble.
Faith and chance.
Today is also my last Chemo day. And wouldn’t you know, I’m gonna miss Chemo Daycare.
‘Hello There
Welcome to Chemo Daycare’
You can get used to [...]

The Tarantella

I’ve been on the roof until now.
‘Monsieur Dunning est monte sur let toit est il refuse categoriquement de descendre!’
This from my favourite short story in Hemingway’s ‘A Moveable feast’.
It’s about a jar of opium and the poet Monsieur Dunning. Hemingway is told to deliver the opium only in the case of any true emergency. And [...]

be very suspicious…

So, here we are washed up on this Yellow sandbank together for a pause. And all I have to say is:
Be suspicious of my motives.
It never once occured to me that I won’t get better.
I remember sitting in Dr. Silverman’s office with the Bobcat. I was called in as the last patient of the day. [...]

Let's all floss

Bobcat fixed my teeth.
Teeth are important. Especially if you eat all the time, like I do. It’s good to have a full time job.
Teeth by Bobcat. Body by Dex.
Bobcat has excellent teeth. And a dentist he is slightly scared of, who wears very short skirts.
Me, I kept a thousand mile stare in my eyes every [...]

Each day is a gift!

In the movie Brain Candy, there’ s character called ‘Cancer Boy’.
‘Hi Doctor, I’m Cancer Boy! No, there’s no hope for me’.
He’s in a wheelchair and shares all the details of his condition in a cheerful monotone, like: ‘Ow- that’s ok, my marrow is low.’ and ‘Each day is a gift!’
Apparently people were vastly offended.
Share shock. [...]


I had a sticky moment this morning.
So, fortunate to be unemployed, I can read. And after reading every single response to the blog, I had to think. I had to break the skin of the messages to understand what was beneath. ‘There is no guarantee that the recipient has read or understood the message contents’ [...]